Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

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Netflix Dropped A Documentary Exploiting The “Dark Side” Of Bob Ross, And It’s Like Can We Not?

*30 for 30 voice* What if I told you, those little happy trees weren’t so happy after all?

Look, I’m all for righting the wrongs of past mistakes. For making sure the bad guys are exposed. But I’m not here for Netflix digging up the grave of one of our country’s most beloved afro’d painters since Andy Warhol and trying to cancel his corpse. LEAVE BOBBY ALONE! YOU ARE LUCKY EVEN PAINTED FOR YOU BASTARDS!

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Bob Ross was the soundtrack of our childhoods… when we were trying to fall asleep. Did I learn an ounce about painting just by watching him? Not at all. But hearing him scrape the paint off his pallet and wiping it on his canvas to make little happy trees might as well have been the cure to insomnia. Especially when you factor in the soothing sounds of his delicate voice whispering away as he painted hidden waterfalls in valleys surrounded by happy trees. How many? However many you wanted. This was your world you’re painting.

In the power rankings of best things to fall asleep to:

3.) whenever your wife is “telling you about her day”

2.) golf on TV

1.) Bob Ross painting something on PBS

So since Bob was so great at putting us to sleep, we should let him sleep. We don’t need this expose about him being a douche bag or super greedy. That could’ve come out at any point in the last 25 years, but didn’t. This feels a lot like some sort of money grab by the Anti-Bob Rossers out there. In fact, this feels a lot like that Nirvanna baby going back to being a baby chasing a buck.

Look Netflix, could’ve dropped this doc back when you were still mailing DVDs to people, but you didn’t. And now? Well, now’s not the time. I’m not looking to cancel one of the last great morsels of society. I mean, if we don’t stop you now, who’s gonna be next? Ghandi? Tom Hanks? Dolly Parton? BRENDAN FRASER? Nope. Not on my watch. Get behind me, Satan!

Why would anyone want to besmirch the image of this man?

Will I watch this thing? *sigh* Probably. Will I like it? Probably not. Bob Ross did nothing but contribute to the greater good. If he was a douche behind the camera? So be it. Christian Bale was a dick on set, and we all still love Batman. Just let Bob Ross peacefully paint his happy clouds in the giant happy clouds in the sky.

Also, I was today years old when I learned Bob Ross passed away in 1995. I knew he’s been dead for a while, but poor guy never even got to see Y2k. Or the Atlanta Olympic Games. Or 3rd Rock From The Sun. Gone wayyy too soon. Just like this documentary: too soon.

P.S. Again, I haven’t watched this documentary yet, so if he’s into some really freaky and nasty stuff, then I take back literally everything I’ve said in this blog.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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