Make Some Dough! Here Are Gator’s Best NFL Picks On The Internet – Week 14
I think everyone knows that I’m an Eagles fan. As such, my life right now is not great. Our moron coach broke our franchise quarterback, I have a law final tomorrow, and there’s a global pandemic that’s killing thousands of people a day. Plus the holidays are the worst time of the year. People who love Christmas, are the bane of my existence. Take your fake cheer elsewhere, or go volunteer at a food kitchen. You shoving your stupid holiday crap in my face is not doing anything but making you feel better. Why don’t you grow up and just drink like the rest of us. Dumb assholes. Here’s a bunch of picks for games that may or may not happen due to COVID.
Patriots @ Rams (LAR -6)
Just when you leave them for dead, the Patriots keep finding a way to win ball games. It seems as though there’s some dark magic going on in Foxborough. Now we have a Thursday night matchup between the two teams who gave us the worst Super Bowl ever two years ago. I think this year’s version will be even more boring, as now the Patriots have a quarterback who can’t throw for more than 100 yards. Fun.
PICK: Patriots 9, Rams 3
Titans @ Jaguars (TEN -7.5)
Oof. Not a good look for the Titans to give up 4 first half touchdowns to Baker Mayfield (a truly horrible quarterback). The Jaguars have lost 11 straight, but I’m pretty sure they’ve covered in every single loss (don’t check me on that). Strange matchup. Let’s take the Titans to win and the Jaguars to cover.
PICK: Titans 27, Jaguars 24
Cardinals @ Giants (ARZ -2.5)
Everyone who knew the Giants were going to beat the Seahawks with Colt McCoy raise your hand… Now put them down, you dirty liars. What a world we live in that Colt McCoy is still winning NFL games. Crazy stuff. Also, fun fact, the Cardinals are 0-3 since their miracle win against Buffalo. Giants are hot, Cardinals are cold, so logic would state that the Giants will win. We’re picking the Cardinals.
PICK: Cardinals 24, Giants 20
Chiefs @ Dolphins (KC -7)
Did anyone see that Tyreek Hill touchdown that wasn’t a touchdown? Damn, that’s probably the greatest catch that never was. You know the Chiefs are really good when they’re receiver catches a touchdown, and doesn’t beg the coach to challenge the call… Seriously we’ve all seen receivers make their coaches burn challenges on plays that were not close to catches, and here we have Tyreek Hill saying, “Oh well, I’ll just catch one later.” I’m not gonna pick against that team ever.
PICK: Chiefs 34, Dolphins 20
Packers @ Lions (GB -7.5)
The Lions are now undefeated this year when Matt Patricia is not their coach. Things are really looking up in Detroit! Is it too late for a playoff run for the Lions? Probably, but it’s never too late to get hot at the worst possible time and spoil your chances at a top draft pick. This is the major upset Detroit will get to finish at 8-8! Hooray!
PICK: Packers 30, Lions 34
Vikings @ Buccaneers (TB -6.5)
Don’t look now, but the Bucs are in major danger of falling out of the playoffs. The Vikings, on the other hand, are one of the hotter teams in the NFL. Every week that passes means Brady is slightly older, and it really shows as the 82-year-old has really struggled in the past couple of weeks. Now, if the Bucs lose this game, it will be time to sound the alarm in Tampa. We hate Tompa Bay, so of course we’re taking the Vikings. Also, they’re a much cooler marauder than a Buc. Scurvy is so not in.
PICK: Vikings 31, Bucs 20
Cowboys @ Bengals (DAL -3.5)
In one of the least talked about quarterback returns, Andy Dalton returns to Cincinnati after what seemed like a dozen years of not winning a playoff game. The only thing that continues to bring me joy this year is how bad the Cowboys are. I have no idea how Vegas has them favored as they have consistently been one of the worst teams in the league all year. Maybe Dalton will have a chip on his shoulder, or maybe he’ll just suck like normal. I’d put my money on the latter. Big Cats win.
PICK: Cowboys 10, Bengals 28
Texans @ Bears (HOU -0.5)
Damn, the Bears are an absolute mess. All they had to do to beat the Lions last week was hold on to the stupid ball at the end of the game. Instead, Trubisky fumbled and gave the Lions the win. Yikes. After starting 5-1 the Bears are now 5-7… Big yikes. In games against bad teams, I usually side with the better quarterback. In this matchup, Watson is greater than the monstrosity that is the Trubisky/Foles duo. Texans big.
PICK: Texans 34, Bears 20
Jets @ Seahawks (SEA -13.5)
So the Jets fired their DC after their 12th straight loss… Yes, because Gase is the type of coach who is too important to cut loose… ORRRRRRRR… Gase is needed to guarantee the Jets lose all 16 games to lock up the first pick in the draft to get Trevor Lawrence. Knowing the Jets though, Lawrence will probably wait another year to come out, which will be the biggest L they take all year.
PICK: Jets 12, Seahawks 34
Colts @ Raiders (IND -2.5)
Wow, good thing the Raiders were playing a team that wanted to lose. You know a team is tanking when they call an all out blitz on a Hail Mary. Tough stuff. Hopefully for the Raiders, they got their stinker out of the way as the Colts (and my high school JV team) are a lot better than the Jets. I think they shock the world and get it done.
PICK: Colts 24, Raiders 27
Saints @ Eagles (NO -7)
The Eagles will be starting backup Jalen Hurts. The Saints will be starting backup Taysum Hill. It’s gonna be a crap game. Two quarterbacks who would rather be running. Great. The worst part is that a bunch of f**king morons around the city of Philadelphia are rejoicing because Wentz is on the bench. To those people, congrats. Our team is destroyed. Hope you’re happy. I also hope your Xmas tree burns down your house.
PICK: Saints 24, Eagles 25
Football Team @ 49ers (SF -3.5)
Damn, the Football Team is here to prove that you don’t need a name to be successful. This is a game that I don’t really think anyone will watch as it will be boring dump down after boring dump down. Take the under, and I guess the Football Team to cover.
PICK: Football Team 13, 49ers 16
Falcons @ Chargers (ATL -2.5)
LOLLLLL. Did anyone see the Chargers lose 45-0 to the Patriots??!! Wow, I bet Herbert’s wishing he didn’t hire his mom to puncture Tyrod Taylor’s lung now. So glad we broke off our man-crush with Herbert before it all went down hill. You just love to be the first to leave a sinking ship. Not only does it make you look smart, but you also don’t drown.
PICK: Falcons 31, Chargers 24
Steelers @ Bills (BUF -2.5)
Welp, the Steelers got exposed, and the Football Team went into Pittsburgh and pulled off the upset. Now that Alex Smith has a robot leg, he’s out here setting the world on fire. Cool story. Anyways, the Steelers went 12 weeks without a loss, now they’re about to lose 2 straight. After early season hype on Josh Allen, the nation has decided to ignore him even though he’s still lighting it up. It’ll be hard to ignore him after this big win though.
PICK: Steelers 20, Bills 27
Ravens @ Browns (BAL -1)
I will bet a billion dollars that Baker Mayfiled throws more interceptions this game than touchdowns. Guy’s a clown. Can’t wait for Cleveland to lose in the first round of the playoffs, because he’s their quarterback. Also, if anyone saw on Tuesday night, the Ravens have 3 great running backs not even including Lamar. Can’t wait for them to stop Baker and put Cleveland back in its place.
PICK: Ravens 34, Browns 24
