Make David Ortiz’s [expletive]-laden Tirade A Family Treat!

In case you didn’t know by now, David Ortiz might just be a little bit crazy. He gave an exhibition of his insanity following Boston’s 6-4 loss to the Yankees Tuesday night, when he went off on an expletive-laden tirade at some reporters who suggested that maybe he wasn’t so good against the Yankees, and that that it could be a symptom of a bigger problem. Here’s the full transcript, with thanks to ESPN.

“You guys wait ’til [expletive] happens, then you can talk [expletive]. Two [expletive] games, and already you [expletives] are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? [Expletive]. [Expletive] 160 games left. That’s a [expletive]. One of you [expletives] got to go ahead and hit for me.”

As I was reading the transcript this morning while watching Sports Center, my wheels started turning. What’s the name for those things where you have people fill words into an incomplete paragraph? It didn’t take long to figure it out as, just a few moments later, Hannah Storm made some sort of reference to a “mad lib.” Ah yes, the mad lib.

The only natural course of action after this was to create a mad lib by taking out the [expletives] and emailing the other KB writers what types of words were needed to fill it in.

So, here is “Big Papi’s Sad Day,” filled in with words chosen by a few of the guys. After his, I’ve left what is needed for you all to play at home because, you know, families everywhere can make a night out of this.

“One day, Big Papi was having a hard time. An adversary suggested that maybe things weren’t going so well for him. This made Big Papi sad. ‘You guys wait ’til butter happens, then you can talk tooth. Two colorful games, and already you Gene Hackmans are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? Sassafras. Buoyant 160 games left. That’s a taco. One of you ventriloquists got to go ahead and hit for me.’ Boy, it sure just wasn’t Big Papi’s day.”

• • •

“One day, Big Papi was having a hard time. An adversary suggested that maybe things weren’t going so well for him. This made Big Papi sad. ‘You guys wait ’til backdoor happens, then you can talk crayon. Two young games, and already you Charles Barkleys are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? WTF. Kinky 160 games left. That’s a floss. One of you dolphins got to go ahead and hit for me.’ Boy, it sure just wasn’t Big Papi’s day.”

• • •

“One day, Big Papi was having a hard time. An adversary suggested that maybe things weren’t going so well for him. This made Big Papi sad. ‘You guys wait ’til llama happens, then you can talk pickle. Two salty games, and already you Conans are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? Dagnabbit. Gay 160 games left. That’s a kitten. One of you snuggies got to go ahead and hit for me.’ Boy, it sure just wasn’t Big Papi’s day.”

• • •

Here’s how you can play at home:

Words needed:

1st noun:
2nd noun:
1st adjective:
1st proper noun:
1st declaratory word (like geez or wow):
2nd adjective:
3rd noun:
4th noun:

…and here’s the story shell:

“One day, Big Papi was having a hard time. An adversary suggested that maybe things weren’t going so well for him. This made Big Papi sad. ‘You guys wait ’til [1st noun] happens, then you can talk [2nd noun]. Two [1st adjective] games, and already you [1st proper noun] are going crazy. What’s up with that, man? [1st Declaratory word]. [2nd adjective] 160 games left. That’s a [3rd noun]. One of you [4th noun] got to go ahead and hit for me.’ Boy, it sure just wasn’t Big Papi’s day.”

Image source: workitmom.com