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Thursday, April 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Let’s Take A Deeper Look Into Mike Vrabel’s War Room

This image is like a Magic Eye. The longer I look at it, the more I see.

Look, there were a lot of home office war rooms shown on night one of the NFL Draft last night. Everywhere from Jerry Jones’ fittingly sunken ship, to Bill Belichick’s lonely (kitchen) island, to Kliff Kingsbury’s PARASITE house.

But the most bonkers war room of all goes to Michael George Vrabel, the head coach of the Tennessee Titans. Who decided to make his first round draft pick in the middle of a Harlem Shake video.

I don’t do drugs, but after seeing this room, I feel like I have. It’s like a weird dream, because if you tried to explain it to someone else, it wouldn’t make sense at all. Regardless, I’m going to do my best to make sense of everything we saw in this home,

Mike Vrabel

Let’s start with the head coach himself, Mike Vrabel. Normally, I’d call his outfit casual, but with this gang of misfit Avengers he’s with, he might actually be overdressed.

Good on him for staying focused despite Animaniacs reunion going on behind him. To me this is like one of the Queen’s Guards from London. You know the guys with the fuzzy hats? All day people try and get them to break, but they keep on guarding their fort. That’s Vrabel here.

Also, there’s not a chance on earth he’s wearing pants.

This Poor (and totally normal) Girl

God bless, this young woman. Not only is she stuck with these guys through 29 picks in the draft, but we’re under stay-at-home orders. She’s probably stuck with (and been stuck with) these guys for weeks. She’s got the same look on her face as most defenders get in the 4th quarter when facing Derrick Henry. She just wants it to be over.

Is That An Arcade Game?

Is that a Big Buck Hunter? Actually, you don’t even have to answer that. Because there’s not a doubt in my mind that Mike Vrabel would have a BBH arcade game in his basement. He fits the profile perfectly. Honestly, I’d be shocked if he didn’t have a Big Buck Hunter in his basement.

The Suspiciously Giant Titans Screen That’s Clearly Hiding Something

I’m not one to judge. Lol, jk. This entire blog is judging. But why do they have this obnoxiously large screen right behind Vrabes? It’s like one of the Titans cheerleaders came to Vrabel’s house to do laundry and they’re air-drying the flag.

My question is: If these Cirque du Soleil rejects are the things you want to show off, think about what’s behind that giant screen that they don’t want you to see?

Dead bodies? Bill O’Brien tied up? A Korean family that hides in the basement? Nope, just MORE arcade games apparently.

Both Need For Speed: Carbon and Golden Tee?! Was Vrabel conducting this draft from his home or the arcade of a local pizza place? If you didn’t want anyone to see your video game addiction, why didn’t you just set up your war room in the kitchen, dining room, or in a hotel closet like the Bengals.

The Freeze, But Fat

Look, I know there haven’t been any Atlanta Braves games this year, but the Freeze sure let himself go. His new name should be Freeze Pop, because he looks like he’s about to. And instead of having people challenge him in races, he just opts for eating contests. Why is this dude dressed like that standing behind the head coach of one of the 32 teams in football? I don’t know, but frankly, that’s not even the biggest question I have with Vrabe’s war room.

This Doofus

Last year, Mike Vrabel joked on a podcast with his players that he would cut off his penis if the team won a Super Bowl last season. Well, by the looks of this giant ogre wearing his old Pro Bowl jersey, it looks like he did. Because that’s exactly what I would expect Vrabel’s member to look like. Awkward and ugly, but ginormous. And by the way he coached in the playoffs last year, we know he has the giant stones to match.

Also, Vrabel’s war room was muted, but I could still hear this guy breathing through his mouth.

This Pooping Kid

The pick is in? Looks to me like the pick is coming out. Apparently, this is Vrabel’s son, Tyler, just taking a dump with the door wide open in the middle of the NFL Draft on live TV. If he’s not gonna shut the door, I hope my man at least pre-sprayed with some Glade first. If not, that’s just rude and apparently normal, because clearly no one gives a damn about a guy just a few feet away, taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Honestly, I haven’t seen anyone take a dump on live TV like that since the Giants took Daniel Jones 6th overall last year.

More like Tennessee Tootin’s, amirite?! Ok, that was bad. But not as bad as some kid literally producing a giant growler in plain sight.

Vrabe’s and company went to so much trouble and effort to block out their Cruisin’ USA arcade games, but failed to cover up the kid pinching a loaf on the other side of the room.

I should also note that Vrabel later tried to diffuse the situation…

Uh, yeah, coach. We definitely saw him sitting on his stool.

Who did the Titans end up picking with their first round pick? I don’t know? A guy in a giant Lego man costume to fit in their war room for Round 2? Probably.

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Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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