Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Let Me Be Frank With You…

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Mark Schlereth used to pee his pants on the field.

So, there’s this book out called NFL Unplugged that “offers a ruthlessly entertaining portrait of the NFL”. I didn’t actually read the book. I mean, I haven’t read a book since the Boxcar Children series in second grade. But I did stumble across a site that summarized some of the weirdest parts of the book and found out current ESPN analyst and former Denver Bronco Mark Shlereth used to wet himself on the field.

“It just so happened I regularly peed my pants,” Schlereth said. “Pretty much every game I did. I was already drenched in sweat so it was no real difference to me. So later the nickname got shortened to just Stink. Hey — I was miserable anyhow out on the field, I wasn’t going to hold it in and become even more miserable.”

Former fullback Jon Ritchie added, “You’re drenched in sweat anyway. What does it matter? By the time warm-ups are over, you’re over-hydrating and you’re drenched. It’s clear. It’s not urine. What’s the big deal?”

I guess Billy Madison was right.

T.O. must have ZERO “game”.

The New York Post is reporting Bengals’ wide receiver Terrell Owens has hired a matchmaking service known as Kelleher International to find him someone who “looks like bodacious Kim Kardashian”. So, let me get this straight, a multi-millionaire star athlete/celebrity with the body of a Greek God (no homo) needs to hire a matchmaking service that charges $15,000 to $150,000 to find a woman? Man, that’s embarrassing. I mean, I’m a soft bodied, childish looking guy who doesn’t make any money and I am STILL…wait, no, that’s right. I’ve been single for years. Crap.

This is the most hardcore fan in history.

If you ever thought you were the biggest fan of your team ever, you’re dead wrong. Or maybe you’re just smarter than this idiot. Meet Eric Barr. Eric used to live in East Hartford, Connecticut and work at Kichler Lighting Warehouse. For the past three seasons, Eric drove 566 miles to every Cleveland Browns home game, each way, in a 1992 Nissan Sentra with no radio, no air conditioning, and a top speed of 54 mph. Understandably, Eric hit his breaking point and decided this roughly bi-weekly trek was just no longer bearable. So, instead of purchasing NFL Sunday Ticket from Direct TV, Eric just straight up moved to Cleveland with no job, no place to live, and no prospects on the horizon. After leaving his job with full benefits and his family, Barr said, ” My ancestors came over from Ireland with nothing. I have a blanket. I’m already one step ahead of them.”

Great point Eric, great point.

Foreigners don’t know what’s “cool”.

This video is awesome. Watch it. Enes Kanter, a 6 foot 11 big man from Turkey who can barely speak English and has a strange obsession with professional wrestling (give him a break. He hasn’t been in America long enough to know that’s not “hip”) was introduced at Kentucky’s Big Blue Madness in an akward, Undertaker-esque fashion. He apparently saw a WWF or WWE match/episode/whatever you want to call it on TV in Turkey and has been enthralled ever since. Enes is already a legend and he may never play a game in college.

Deodorant is not antiperspirant.

This seems to be a fairly obvious statement, but every time I see someone using “deodorant” and not “antiperspirant” deodorant a little bit of my soul dies. Why? Why people? It costs the same price. Why do they even make non antiperspirant deodorant. Do some people just enjoy having pleasantly smelling pit stains? If you’re one of those people who don’t pay attention to what kind of underarm protectant you purchase and wonder why you sweat mass amounts from your pits, give your stick a look.

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As always, if you have any ideas for future posts or just come across something funny, please shoot me an email at Frank@KorkedBats.com.

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