Korked Bats NFL Mock(ing) Draft

Every year around this time, you are flooded with Mock Drafts left and right. You can’t get away with them. Heck, some people have mock drafts for mock drafts. It’s weird. Well, we at Korked Bats don’t partake in that blogging ritual. Instead, we wait until the day after to mock all the picks the teams made. So please, enjoy our Korked Bats NFL Mock(ing) Draft…

1. Chiefs: Eric Fisher, OT Central Michigan

While picking a guy like Fisher, Andy Reid clearly had seafood on the mind.

2. Jaguars: Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M

Luke Joeckel looks to compete with Blaine Gabbert for the starting job.

3. Dolphins (from Raiders): Dion Jordan, DE, Oregon

Dion Jordan should fill gaps and be a good run stopper for the Dolphins. Unless, of course, they’re playing Stanford.

4. Eagles: Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma

Of course, Lane Johnson won’t officially be an Eagle until he gives up his first sack.

5. Lions: Ziggy Ansah, DE, BYU

After growing up in Ghana, Ziggy thought his life could only get better.  Then he was drafted by Detroit.

6. Browns: Barkevious Mingo, DE, LSU

Barkevious Mingo’s signing bonus will be a few Pilot Gas Station rebate coupons.

7. Cardinals: Jonathan Cooper, OG, North Carolina

Drafting an offensive lineman to protect a quarterback for the Cardinals would be like buying boat insurance without owning a boat.

8. Rams (from Bills): Tavon Austin, WR West Virginia

Tavon Austin was drafted one spot higher than his Wonderlic score.

9. Jets: Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama

Jets get a Dee in the first round and eventually on their overall Draft Report Card.

10. Titans: Chance Warmack, OG, Alabama

The Titans first round pick is the same as their Super Bowl odds… A fat Chance.

11. Chargers: D.J. Fluker, OT, Alabama

The NFL Draft was probably blacked out in San Diego. And after getting drafted by the Chargers, D.J. Fluker was probably found blacked out in New York.

12. Raiders (from Dolphins): D.J. Hayden, CB, Houston

The Raiders stadium is nicknamed “The Black Hole,” because college players careers get sucked up there, never to be heard of again.

13. Jets (from Buccaneers): Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri

The Jets decided to take a shot with Sheldon Richardson, while Sheldon Richardson decided he’d rather take a shot to the nuts.

14. Panthers: Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah

Pretty sure Star Lotulelei was one of the cousins involved in the Manti Te’o hoax.

15. Saints: Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas

The Saints drafted safety first. Man, Roger Goodell really got to them.

16. Bills (from Rams): E.J. Manuel, QB Florida State

Goodell: “With the sixteenth pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, the Buffalo Bills select…”

Geno Smith: [ears perk up]

Goodell: “…quarterback…”

Geno Smith: [stands up, smiling]

Goodell: “E.J. Manuel…”

Geno Smith: [sits back down]

17. Steelers: Jarvis Jones, LB, Georgia

Steelers bring in all the defensive help they can get… Just in case… Because you know, Ben Roethlisberger.

18. 49ers (from Cowboys): Eric Reid, S, LSU

Wait… You mean to tell me there are defensive backs out of LSU WITHOUT frosted tips and a drug-induced bloodstream?

19. Giants: Justin Pugh, OT, Syracuse

Eli Manning giggled at his last name.

20. Bears: Kyle Long, OG, Oregon

Jay Cutler is already pissed at Kyle Long.

21. Bengals: Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame

Bengals are reverse racial profiling by drafting a white guy who they assume won’t be arrested.

22. Falcons (from Redskins through Rams): Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington

The Falcons drafted yet another guy Matt Ryan won’t throw to while wide-open in the endzone during the NFC Championship game.

23. Vikings: Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida

The Vikings used their first wish on new uniforms. Their second wish on Sharrif Floyd and their third wish on three more wishes.

24. Colts: Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State

With a name like Bjoern Werner, it appears the Colts drafted an indie songwriter that we haven’t heard of yet.

25. Vikings (from Seahawks): Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida State

This was the Vikings’ fourth wish.

26. Packers: Datone Jones, DE, UCLA

Good move for the Packers, getting an extra guy to chase Colin Kaepernick all over the field with.

27. Texans: DeAndre Hopkins, WR, Clemson

The Texans only drafted DeAndre to play shortstop for the Astros.

28. Broncos: Sylvester Williams, DT, North Carolina

Sylvester Williams should bring some speed to a Broncos secondary that has both Rahim Moore and Champ Bailey.

29. Vikings (from Patriots): Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee

This was the Vikings’ fifth wish.

Also, how have the Patriots not acquired every pick in the draft through trades?

30. Rams (from Falcons): Alec Ogletree, LB, Georgia

While on the clock, deciding on who to pick, Jeff Fisher took his time to mullet over.

31. Cowboys (from 49ers): Travis Frederick, C, Wisconsin

To be honest, any Division 1 college football player would’ve fit in with the Cowboys, since they don’t have playoff experience either.

32. Ravens: Matt Elam, S, Florida

Instead of cutting to shots of Matt Elam’s reaction, ESPN cut to a shot of Ray Lewis’ reaction. And yeah, he’s still crying.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.


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