Sunday, February 25, 2024

Korked Bats

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Kevin is Embarrassing Kyle on a Weekly Basis – Week 5

Ok, another week, another round of Kevin v. Kyle NFL Picks. The Cowboys blew a game for me, so I almost made one game up. But alas, Kevin is even further ahead. Here’s our picks for Week 5.

Kevin: Philadelphia Eagles 27 • Buffalo Bills 23

People started buying the Bills as a legit team and then of course they lose to the Bengals. Does anyone really believe the Eagles are going to be 1-4 at the end of this week?

Kyle: Eagles 31 – Bills 20: Eagles get back on track.

Kevin: Cincinnati Bengals 18 • Jacksonville Jaguars 13

Jacksonville’s immense fear of the gingers provides the Bengals with enough confidence to overcome being a bad team. Also, the Jaguars are an even worse team than the Bengals.

Kyle: Bengals 14 – Jaguars 20

Kevin: Tennessee Titans 17 • Pittsburgh Steelers 21

I’ve found that it’s normally beneficial to me when I bet against my favorite team to win the game. So… THERE’S NO WAY THE STEELERS LOSE THIS GAME!

Kyle: Titans 20 – Steelers 24

Kevin: Kansas City Chiefs 12 • Indianapolis Colts 15

I told you this was going to be the only week I picked the Colts. The Chiefs blew it by picking up that win last week against the Vikings by the way.

Kyle: Chiefs 24 – Colts 13: We’re 2-3 baby!

Kevin: Oakland Raiders 28 • Houston Texans 23

The Raiders get back above .500, which is still not enough to bring Al Davis back to life.

NOTE: Kevin wrote these picks two days BEFORE Al Davis died. Proof that he is psychic and I am doomed. HE PREDICTED A DEATH. BEWARE OF KEVIN.

Kyle: Raiders 20 – Texans 23: The Raiders pay tribute to Al Davis by doing what they did most of the last years of his life. Losing.

Kevin: Arizona Cardinals 16 • Minnesota Vikings 21

Joe Theismann criticized Donovan McNabb this week. Naturally I want anything Theismann says to be thrown right back at his face because, well… he’s Joe Theismann.

Kyle: Cardinals 20 – Vikings 24

Kevin: New Orleans Saints 31 • Carolina Panthers 21

I guess I have to admit that Cam Newton is actually pretty good (reverse jinx alert).

Kyle: Saints 34 – Panthers 20

Kevin: Seattle Seahawks 0 • New York Giants 35

Let’s look at the facts here. Seattle is traveling across the country to play a 1:00 ET game in New York. It’s an away game for Seattle, which automatically makes them a worse team than they actually are by about 40-50 times (and they are initially horrible). Even Eli Manning can’t screw this up can he?

Kyle: Seahawks 10 – Giants 25

Kevin: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24 • San Francisco 49ers 13

The 49ers cannot keep winning with Alex Smith at quarterback. I refuse to believe it. I won’t. I will NOT do it.

Kyle: Bucs 30 – 49ers 20

Kevin: San Diego Chargers 34 • Tim Tebow 6 long chants from the crowd to put him in.

It doesn’t matter what I think Denver will score. It only matters if Tebow plays (according to ESPN). By the way, this prediction means the Chargers will win if that wasn’t clear.

Kyle: Chargers 40 – Broncos 14: The Broncos are worse than the Chiefs.

Kevin: New York Jets 17 • New England Patriots: Whatever Rex Ryan’s weight is in points.

Rex Ryan is fat. Hence he weighs a lot. Therefore the Patriots will score a lot of points.

Kyle: Jets 24 – Pats 30: Ryan always plays the Pats close to the belt. Food jokes.

Kevin: Green Bay Packers 35 • Atlanta Falcons 31

So Brett Favre was in the news this week (sigh).

Kyle: Packers 24 – Falcons 32

Kevin: Chicago Bears 27 • Detroit Lions 30

Eventually the Lions will lose, but I can’t pick it this week because Mike Martz is involved with the team playing against them.

Kyle: Bears 31 – Lions 34

Overall Score:

Kevin 33-15 : Kyle 24-23


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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