Sunday, April 21, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

In Our Completely Unbiased Opinion, Derrick Henry Won Super Bowl Sunday

Look, there were a lot of cool things coming out of this Super Bowl. From Matt Stafford and Aaron Donald finally getting theirs after years of being on lousy teams, to making an electric truck seem somewhat cool with a Sopranos themed commercial, to 50 Cent finally working out again with upside-down crunches, to Detroit finally being represented in the Super Bowl, to floating QR code screensaver commercials, the Super Bowl was filled with epic moments. But in our extremely unbiased opinion, we here at The #1 Derrick Henry Fan Site On The Internet™ believe the single greatest moment was a no-brainer:

Mini Derrick Henry tossing Mini Deion Sanders like a garbage man tosses trash into his truck.

And when I say Mini Derrick, I don’t mean D’Onta Foreman, who clearly became a mini-Derrick this season. I’m talking an actual Mini King. I know it was just mini-CGI’d characters, but I still gave an audible “DAMN!” when I saw it. The digitized version of Derrick did digitized Deion DIRTY! And of everyone in the commercial, I’m pretty sure Mini King was the only one who didn’t get embarrassed. Let’s not ignore the fact that immediately after all these digitized players came crawling out of the TV like that chick from The Ring, the ruckus starts with Mini 22 delivering a pretty aggressive shove of Mini Chase Young. Then he beats Mini Marshawn to the loose football, makes a clean scoop, and then sends Mini Deion into the shadow realm. I know Mini Deion is about the size of a ragdoll, but he didn’t have to toss him like that. Maybe Mini Derrick remembered how Deion didn’t know who Kevin Byard after his first All-Pro season, calling him “a fan.”

Keep in mind, Deion worked as an NFL analyst at this point. The guy didn’t even know who one of the league’s best (based on his All-Pro status) secondary position players was. Great work, Prime. Then again, after what Mini King did to Mini Deion, there’s not a chance he knows who anyone is anymore. Goodell’s been trying to eliminate concussions from the league, when he should be trying to eliminate concussions from his commercials. I bet when the Mini Trainers came over to assist a knocked out Mini Deion and they asked him to spell his name, he replied with “C-T-E.” It’s a good thing that China was there to break his fall, otherwise he would’ve been stiff-armed to China. It was by far, the greatest hit of the night. Narrowly edging out that doofus Pete Davidson getting his clock cleaned.

After this, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mini Deion just turns to mini baseball full time. Or at very least, stick with the commercials starring him, Saban and the duck. Because this might be the most embarrassing thing to happen to a Falcon on Super Bowl since 28-3, and the most embarrassing thing to happen to a Falcon defensive back on Super Bowl weekend since Eugene Robinson. Hell, I haven’t seen a former Raven get rocked that hard by a Derrick stiff-arm since Earl Thomas. And speaking of Ravens, I loved after he finished tossing Mini Deion, Mini Derrick tossed the rock to the second best running back in the league, Mini Lamar Jackson.

So look, you can have your legendary halftime show full of TRL classics. Give me Mini Derrick doing Big Derrick things.

P.S. It should be noted that Jonathan Taylor was nowhere to be found in this commercial. Hm, that’s weird.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.