I Don’t Want To Hang Out With Whoever Runs ESPN’s Twitter

Social media.

It’s a beautiful thing. Seriously. We have the ability to converse with people without ever opening our mouths. (which in Fran Dresher’s case, is a very good thing) We behold the power to inform masses of people (up to as many as your 41 followers) as fast as to the second of when we got out of the shower and are “gonna grab a bite to eat.”

We can check out the photos of that girl in high school who was really slutty take pictures of her midsection in the mirror every week for nine months after finding out that her and her “sexy BF” Jamal are preggers. We also get to read the Facebook status updates featuring lines from No Doubt’s Don’t Speak after said slutty girl breaks up with Jamal shortly after Jamal Jr. is born. See? Social media is a beautiful thing!

Ok, maybe it’s not a beautiful thing.

All of the time.

But most of the time, it’s terrific. Just take the sports world for example. By following Chad Ochocinco on Twitter, we can get a behind-the-scenes look into his team’s meeting rooms, we can get a chance to win tickets to his upcoming game, and we can criticize him for a week on ESPN about not doing things “the Patriot way.” Am I right, Tedy?

Also, by following Darnell Dockett, we get a behind-the-scenes look of what it’s like to be racially profiled by police. Wow, Twitter can be educational and expletive!

But social media, Twitter especially, allows to have instant information right at our fingertips. Which, in the case of Mike Sims-Walker, anything at his fingertips usually isn’t a good thing. Or completed. When something eventful happens, most people, not named my grandparents, find out about breaking news via Twitter. It’s fun and informative.

Well, everyone’s Twitter account but ESPN’s. It’s neither fun nor informative. In fact, ESPN’s Twitter account could very well be run by Snooki. Allow me to explain.

Have you ever met a total bro? Like I’m talking a bro that’s so bro, he’s not even deserving of the -ther ending from the word that bro is a derivative of. You know, the kind of guy that keeps AXE Body Spray in business. With his usage alone. The kind of guy who’s drink-of-choice upon going out is Red Bull, Smirnoff, and when available, Zima. Most of the time mixed together. The kind of guy who has a wardrobe consisting of graphic tees that even Ed Hardy calls tacky. The kind of guy who wears Tazmanian Devil pajama pants, Adidas flip flops, and a North Face jacket to his econ class. Every. Single. Day.

You should get it, by now.

This is the only kind of person that could possibly construct tweets that come from the @ESPN Twitter handle. It’s like everything I explained in that last paragraph mixed with a person who is so desperately wanting to fit in with the cool kids. And we are the cool kids. Apparently, ESPN’s Twitter feels the need to express their love for sports to us. On a daily basis. Like listing Brady Quinn as your second string quarterback, it’s unnecessary. We get it, ESPN. You’re ESPN. We know you like sports. You’re a multi-billion dollar sports organization. Quit trying to be a human like one of us. You’re the Chip Carson of TV channels. You’ll never be one of us. Even if Alan Thicke is your dad.

Whoever runs this Twitter handle, we’ll call him Tanner (because of his excessive bro-ness), obviously knows that the country LOVES football. Seriously, next to eating and being fat, football is right up there with this country. And Tanner has taken this fact and ran with it.

If you would like an example of what we’re talking about, we took a few samples of their tweets to show you first hand:

Granted, this analysis is better than any we’d ever get from Ron Jaworski or Jon Gruden. But please, we beg you, never, ever, use sticky to describe anything involving football again. You make it sound like something Rex Ryan would absolutely love.

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You got me fired. It’s ok though, I’ll probably make a whole lot more money from suing ESPN now.

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This proves that whoever runs this Twitter account is also that guy from the Haynes commercial who was on that flight with Michael Jordan with a “bacon-necked” white undershirt. What an idiot!

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Well… Not only is ESPN’s Twitter account annoying, but it’s also stereotypical and racist. If you’re short, fast, and black, ESPN WILL compare you to Darren Sproles.

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ESPN, please, for the love of all that is holy, never live tweet your experience of making love to a football again. Please.

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If it means your deleting your Twitter account, then we #CantWait either!

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Oh ok. Well. Glad that’s cleared up.

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It’s funny because tearing your ACL would be more enjoyable than reading these tweets.

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Wait, you’re supposed to be our go-to source for sports news? Weird, feels like you’re my 12-year-old cousin. #SheTweetsWildWildThingsWeDontCareAbout

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ESPN’s tweets. Or as we like to call them, Stupid Dumb Kill Me Please.

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This post was written by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Neither of those accounts are as bad/annoying as the Four-Letter Network’s.