Hipster Joe Maddon Releases ALDS Lineup “You Haven’t Heard Of Yet”
TAMPA BAY- Tampa Bay Rays Manager Joe Maddon seems to be growing into his glasses. Ahead of their ALDS matchup against the Boston Red Sox, Maddon nonchalantly turned in his team’s lineup, sighed and said, “You probably haven’t heard of it yet.”
To the surprise of everyone, his lineup actually consisted of players we hadn’t heard of yet. Names of indie band bassists, local baristas, and a few extras from Wes Anderson films were all included in the lineup. A local craft brewery in Indiana was even listed as playing third base and batting fourth.
“I’ve been releasing lineups since before it was cool,” Maddon claimed. However, a recent poll amongst MLB managers concluded that no one thinks releasing lineups is cool. Anonymous MLB managers have admitted they “have no idea what [Joe] is talking about.”
“I used to hate having to wear full uniforms for games,” one MLB manager told us. “That was until I saw Maddon wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a v-neck deep enough to reveal his belly button. If that’s the alternative, I’m fine with full uniforms.”
Rays General Manager Andrew Friedman was unsure how to react. “I didn’t want to come down hard on him, because I didn’t want him to rebel more than he already has,” Friedman said. “When I first confronted him on his recent behavioral changes, [Maddon] locked himself in his office and blared a mixtape CD filled with Arcade Fire, Death Cab, Florence & The Machine and The Shins on repeat for four straight hours.”
Friedman said some of Maddon’s behavioral changes have included wearing tight cutoff jean shorts, getting a tattoo of a Lana Del Rey lyric across his chest, his constant misuse of the word “ironic,” and his request to put a Pabst Blue Ribbon vending machine in the locker room. Friedman first caught wind of this new “hipster” Joe when he was one of twelve people who attended an “Occupy Tropicana Field” movement for the Rays home opener this season. Since then, Friedman acknowledged Maddon’s lifestyle as a “drastic transformation” comparable to “Heidi Montag of The Hills.”
“I’ll admit, I was initially disturbed with the lineup he turned in. Before the game, I went to inform him that this stunt was the final straw,” Friedman stated. “However, I was quickly informed that his lineup wasn’t made up. Apparently, we just have a really deep farm system.”
Friedman later admitted, “Except for the Indiana craft brewery. That was made up. Longoria started instead.”
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