Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Here’s What Nick Saban Will Complain About After A 48-14 Win Over Mercer

That rant was after Alabama’s complete and utter curb-stomping of the U in the opening weekend of college football. The Sabes chewed out his team’s effort. They won 44-13. Clearly this man is living on a whole other level as the rest of us.

So after Alabama only beat Mercer 48-14, what is The Sabes gonna say? We locked down a transcript:

In the final 23 minutes and 21 seconds of this game, we were outscored 14-10. We clearly didn’t play a full a 60 minutes. And frankly, I don’t think we’re even close. I mean if we can’t close it out to Mercer, how do we expect to just turn it on against any league opponents. And let’s not act like Mercer isn’t a viable opponent. Mercer has to be short for Ron Mercer, who won an NCAA title in 1996. I wish our guys could win an NCAA title. But it’s September 12 and they’ve yet to win an NCAA title yet. And to quite honest with you, I’m getting sick and tired with the lack of NCAA titles won by our squad this season.

And speaking of basketball. Our school’s basketball team played Mercer in 2017 and they were able to hang 80 on them. Why can we only hang 48? Is that too much to ask? You tell me.

Not to mention, Bryce Young threw eight incomplete passes. Eight. You think that kind of output is going to win us championships? It’s not. Ok? But sure keep singing the praises of a guy who threw eight incomplete passes. What you all are feeding my team is rat poison. Actually, I think it’s more of Tide Pods. Way more embarrassing to consume, and my team is just eating it up like it’s some sort of FaceTok challenge. We are nowhere near ready for this season, and frankly, I’m getting a little sick of it. I guess everyone happens to forget my first year here when we lost at home to Louisiana-Monroe. That was another case of Tide Pods. Everyone thought that since I won a single title at LSU and was extremely mediocre in the NFL that all of a sudden I was going to be great here. But it doesn’t happen that way, ok? Stop feeding my guys Tide Pods, alright? They’re wayyy too impressionable but any hashtag with the word challenge in it. We just need to be better in all phases.

[awkward silence]

*takes swig of Dasani water bottle* Are we done here?


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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