Fake Interviews With Real Athletes: Ben Roethlisberger

Here at Korked Bats we like to think of ourselves as sports journalists. And by sports journalists, I mean just a couple of guys with the domain rights to KorkedBats.com. We can’t land big interviews for your reading pleasure.

However, yesterday was Media Day at the Super Bowl in Dallas, and we are happy to report that Korked Bats was represented at the event (sort of) and had a chance to sit down (kinda) with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (not really). We had a pretty exclusive one on one with him. Here is that interview.

BR will represent Ben Roethlisberger and KB will represent Korked Bats

Korked Bats: Ben, we want to thank you for taking time out to speak with us. Especially with just a week left until your third career Super Bowl start.

Ben Roethlisberger: Sure, it’s no problem. But before we get started may I ask why you wanted to meet in a bar?

KB: Oh, well. I just figured a bar scene would help you feel right at home.

BR: It’s 2 in the afternoon.

KB: I didn’t want to have to pay a cover charge.

BR: I know this place. They don’t charge a cover until 9pm.

KB: I know. I wanted to do this interview before the bouncer gets on the clock.

BR: Does anyone even know we’re here?

KB: Let me put it this way: They don’t not know that we’re not here.

BR: Huh?

KB: Soooo are you excited for Sunday?

BR: I don’t know If I feel comfortable being here if no one knows we’re here doing this interview. I can’t get in any trouble this week.

KB: Would you feel more comfortable with plate loads of food in front of you?

BR: What’s that supposed to mean?

KB: How about some 20-year-old girls?

BR: Are you kidding me?

KB: Fine, let’s just do this interview on our motorcycles without helmets on.

BR: Ok, bro, that was years ago.

KB: I’m sorry. Let’s just start the interview. So what’s with the beard you’ve been growing?

BR: Oh it’s just a playoff beard. I’m ready to shave it.

KB: So is America.

BR: What?

KB: You look like an unfunny Zach Galifianakis.

BR: Just because I have a beard?

KB: And because it appears you just robbed a doughnut store..

BR: Are you calling me fat?

KB: Subtly, yes.

BR: I could take you right now.

KB: I bet that’s your 20-year-old’s pick up line too, isn’t it?

BR: Listen, I’m going to give you 3 seconds to start this interview before I call James Harrison and Troy Polamalu to kick your a…

KB: ::cuts off Ben:: What is one thing you need to do to beat the Green Bay Packers in the Super Bowl?

BR: Good. Ummm… Not turn the ball over.

KB: Is it true you stay awake all night playing Twisted Metal for Playstation the night before each of the Super Bowls you have been in to help calm your nerves?

BR: No. I don’t think I have ever done that in my life, let alone the night before the Super Bowl.

KB: Was it Banjo Kazooie?

BR: No, I mean, I don’t stay up late playing any videos games the night before any of my Super Bowls. Where did you hear that?

KB: Gotcha. I didn’t hear that anywhere. I just wanted to ask. Let’s say, hypothetically, you did do that.

BR: I wouldn’t.

KB: EH… It’s hypothetical. Let’s say you did do that. Would it be a good idea?

BR: No. That’s a terrible idea. You need your rest. Especially the night before the biggest game of your life.

KB: Ok, I’ll take your word on it. I mean, Big Ben nose best.

BR: ::silent::

KB: Did you get it?

BR: Get what?

KB: I said Big Ben nose best. As in nose on your face. You broke your nose earlier this year. Remember?

BR: Yeah. That’s… Ummm… Funny.

KB: Sorry, I guess my jokes don’t compete with the slogans you wear on your t-shirts. “Drink Like A Champion?” ::sarcastically:: That’s gold. Let’s move on. Now, if you could play for either team in this years Super Bowl, which would it be?

BR: Are you serious right now? I already play for the Steelers. We’re in the Super Bowl.

KB: Oh that’s cool. Are you the backup?

BR: No. I’m the starting quarterback.

KB: Oh. Ok. That’s really neat. Could you still answer the question please?

BR: ::sigh:: Pittsburgh. For obvious reasons.

KB: Are those obvious reasons that Pittsburgh has cuter 20-year-olds than Green Bay?

BR: No!

KB: I’ll take that as a yes.

BR: Dude, I messed up last off-season. I am trying to grow from that and put it behind me. Why can’t you drop it?

KB: We just found this picture of you and Tiger Woods. That’d be like Lindsay Lohan telling me she’s done with drugs and alcohol. But then us finding a picture of her with Amy Winehouse.

BR: That picture was from a long time ago. I am working to be a better quarterback, man, and role model.

KB: A role model for overweight horny quarterbacks?

BR: That’s enough. Stop it.

KB: That’s what she said. But you probably “didn’t hear her.” No means no.

BR: ::looks down to phone::

KB: Wait. What are you doing?

BR: I’m calling James and Troy.

KB:  ::nervously::  No!

BR: Troy, get James…

KB:  ::getting more and more worried::  No means no, Ben! No means no!  ::let’s out high pitched shriek, and runs out of room::


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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