Detroit Lions Unveil New Alternate Helmets And Yes, Everyone Has Jokes

The Detroit Lions finished the 2022 NFL season just narrowly missing out on its first playoff appearance since 2016, which happened to be a very forgettable postseason dud albeit a superbly fitting one thanks to a 26-6 drubbing courtesy of the Seattle Seahawks — the very team that kept Dan Campbell’s squad out of postseason play last year.

But make no mistake about it, things are vastly different in Detroit now.

Last year’s 9-8 Lions team proved to be a tough out all the way to the finish, winning five of their last six games, punctuated by a beautiful 20-16 season finale victory at Lambeau Field in a game that also turned out to be Aaron Rodgers’ final — and incredibly meager — appearance in a Green Bay Packers uniform.

Sad! But not really.

Anyway, assuming the Lions aren’t derailed by injuries this coming season, all signs point to an uptick in wins that would likely solidify a playoff berth. So it has quickly become a stark reality that we’re running out of time when it comes to mocking the Detroit Lions — if we haven’t already.

Alas, Wednesday’s “highly anticipated” drop of the Lions new alternate helmets for 2023 offered up a ripe opportunity for some impromptu comedy that the team laid out on a silver platter.

A beaut? In a word, no.

In more words, “the lion looks like it was drawn by a child,” and I would have to wholeheartedly agree on that piercingly cold point.

Poor thing looks like it was starved for weeks before posing for the iconic sketch. The standard Detroit Lions logo we’ve become so accustomed to would throw that emaciated weakling on a skewer and casually toss it down like a Tic Tac.

While a savagely low-blow comment like “this helmet is even uglier than the Lions’ history” or a very straight-to-the-point opinion of “that is GOD awful” might come across a little harsh, one must keep in mind that every single time a team at the college or professional level introduces new uniforms — in this case, helmets that will be worn for one football game — they’re a lock to get crucified.

However, one element that’s seemingly universally agreed upon from Lions fans amidst all the ongoing criticism is that combining the new alternate helmet with the gray uniforms is apparently the worst decision in the history of decisions.

I tend to vehemently disagree, as the truly inexplicable existence of the Dieting Detroit Lion should probably be the one taking the lion’s share of unrelenting darts.

But — and there’s always a but — you have to appreciate the creativity that comes with all the piling negativity. Because this is an outstanding interpretation of the Lions’ very special blue and gray stripes.

It took about 15 minutes for good ole Harrison here to turn those two meaningful stripes that were included to signify the franchise’s 90th season into a very sad 11-loss campaign.

Or a pause button. There’s that, too.

Talk about great symbolism. There was nothing more necessary than a pause button at some point along the line.

And while I too would like to know who signed off on this, if I were allotted just one question to someone on the marketing team it would go as follows:

Why are the blue and gray stripes so ridiculously prominent and chunky while the Lion has tragically been reduced to a sewer rat with great hair?

Now if you happen to be a fan of the Detroit Lions and would prefer to weave through all this endless negativity in the hopes of finding something meaningful to clutch onto, I strongly suggest leaning on God for this one.

Gray hair? Close enough. And you’re welcome.

Tim Ryan

Tim Ryan is a freelance writer with a humorous take on the preposterous world of sports we've all come to know and embrace. His previous work can be found at places like Bro Bible, The Big Lead, FanSided, and Sportsnaut, among others. Tim's Q&A sitdown with Hulk Hogan remains one of his favorite 'journalistic' experiences to date.

Tim Ryan