Cleveland Browns To Go Door-To-Door To Find Next Head Coach
CLEVELAND, OH — To the surprise of no one, the Cleveland Browns are desperately seeking someone to become their next head coach. After weeks of interviews and turned down offers, Browns Owner Jimmy Haslam has been forced to think outside of the box.
“That’s only because we’ve already tried everything within the box,” Haslam said. “But we feel like we have an idea that will help us land our next head coach.”
The Browns released a statement on Wednesday morning that said they will be sending out representatives to go door-to-door to find their next head coach.
“We’re calling theses representatives Brownies, like the young Girl Scouts who come to your door selling cookies,” Haslam explained. “Except instead giving out delicious cookies, we’re hoping to take a few years of your life. But only until we fire you or you leave us for South Beach.”
Haslam further explained how they decided on this idea after going through 3/4 of the phonebook, with no luck. Haslam explained the Brownies process, saying they will knock politely on your door. When you answer, they will ask you a series of questions beginning with, “Are you ready for some football?” with the disclaimer, “or something like football.”
If you don’t answer, Haslam said the Brownies will wait outside your door until you return home or walk outside to grab the paper or something.
Examples of the questions are, “Would you like to be the Brown’s next head football coach?” and “Will you please be the Browns’s head coach?” and “For the love of all that is holy… I’m not allowed to see my children again until I find someone for this job. PLEASE?!”
Meanwhile, teams like the Redskins, Buccaneers, Texans, and Titans have filled their vacancies before Cleveland. The Browns’ search is now garnering attention across the country. Which is surprising, because the Browns never garner attention.
Even actress Jennifer Aniston weighed in on the Browns current situation on the red carpet of one of those Hollywood award shows.
“They’re like the like the me of college football,” she said. “We just can’t find a match.” When asked if she was interested in taking the job for herself, Aniston answered, “HEYELL NO!”
However, Jimmy Haslam remains optimistic, claiming there is a col de sac in Dayton full of old women who might just be desperate enough interested.
Browns fans have really felt the pains of this coaching search. We spoke with Charlie Sasser, a Browns fan from Ohio State, who tried to find any avenue for optimism. “Ummm… I’ve never felt more in touch with Taylor Swift’s music. That’s a plus, right?” Sasser said.
The Browns hope to have a head coach in place by the start of training camp in August 2014 or 2015.
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