Cha-Ching! Here Are Gator’s Best NFL Picks On The Internet – Week 5

Wow. Just when I thought we could only go 9-7, the Titans decided to catch the ‘Rona and dash my dreams of the most consistent year of picks ever. The 9-7 streak is over, but the good news is that the winning streak continues! Last week we went 9-5-1 bring our overall record to 36-26-1! A whole 10 games over .500! Where other betting experts charge for their expertise, I offer this to my loyal readers for free. I love you all, and to prove it I’m gonna keep winning.

Buccaneers @ Bears (TB -5.5)

This article has been known to be a place for throwing shade on Mitch Trubisky, and just generally hates Tom Brady. There’s good reason for both as Trubisky is a terrible quarterback, and Brady is a cheat. However, this week we change things up! Fun fact about the Bears. They are 3-0 in games that Trubisky starts this season, and they have yet to win a game where Foles starts. As an Eagles fan, I will always be grateful to Foles for bringing home a championship, but how many teams will make the same mistake in thinking he’s a legitimate starter? He’s the type of quarterback who can give you a great game sandwiched between 3 horrible ones. Now he goes against the quarterback he vanquished in Super Bowl LII, and I don’t think confetti will rain down for him this time. For the first time in Gator’s Best Picks On The Internet™ history, we’re siding with Tompa Bay.

PICK: Bucs 31, Bears 17

Panthers @ Falcons (ATL -4.5)

Oh boy, Matty Ice and the Falcons are in trouble sitting at 0-4, but yet are still modest favorites against the upstart Panthers. I guess the oddsmakers are assuming the Falcons will be extra motivated for a win to save coach Dan Quinn’s job. In my opinion, Dan Quinn lost this team when he lost the Super Bowl. I expect the Falcons to promptly get blown out by the Panthers, and tell Quinn to have a nice life.

PICK: Panthers 31, Falcons 28

Raiders @ Chiefs (KC -12.5)

Remember when everyone was convinced that Tony Romo was going to be the new voice of Monday Night Football a year ago. Well in a strange twist of fate, Romo called his first Monday Night Game last week when the Chiefs took care of a Patriots team missing their quarterback. The Raiders, on the other hand, lost at home to Buffalo despite having multiple chances to win, only to fumble (quite literally) those chances away. The Chiefs are 4-0, and will move to 5-0, but I think the Raiders keep it closer than expected.

PICK: Raiders 30, Chiefs 38

Rams @ Football Team (LAR -9)

The Football Team is in shambles. They’ve lost their lead in the NFC East (Go Birds!), they’ve benched their starting quarterback, and they’ve even lost the novelty of being called the Football Team. As COVID-19 sweeps through DC, one might think that the best think that could happen for the Football Team is that the whole city of Washington D.C. is put on lockdown so they don’t have to play their game on Sunday. I highly doubt that to happen because they’re terrible with gameplans. So the Football Team loses big.

PICK: Rams 31, Football Team 14

Jaguars @ Texans (HOU -6)

Has there ever been a Week 5 where two 0-4 teams have been favored to win? If someone wants to look that up and let me know that’d be great. Bill O’Brien kept the proud tradition of horrible things coming out of Penn St alive, by completely decimating the present and future of a once-promising Texans team as GM. His horrible coaching didn’t help either. His pink slip won’t bring back Deandre Hopkins, but it will motivate the Texans to go out and get a win, proving that he was in fact, the reason for all of their struggles.

PICK: Jaguars 20, Texans 31

Cardinals @ Jets (AZ -6.5)

The biggest shocker following Week 4 was that Adam Gase still had a job. Never before has a team looked so hapless, and I’m including the 0-16 Lions and Browns. Early in the game, Jets QB Sam Donald was knocked out, leading to a guest appearance by former “ELITE” QB Joe Flacco (Delaware’s favorite son). Gase decided however that he was not Wacko for Flacco and threw a hurt Donald back into the fire for him to get sacked on his first snap back. Poor kid. Might be time to get Mono until that idiot is fired and you have a chance to win games.

PICK: Cardinals 31, Jets 13

E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!! @ Steelers (PIT -7)

Two division leaders square off in the battle of Pennsylvania this week in the marquee matchup on Sunday. Yes, the Eagles shocked the world on Sunday night to take over the division lead after they were left for dead by everyone (except for me). Look, if you want to hop back on the bandwagon, now is the time. None of this soft-ass I’ll wait and see how they do against Pittsburgh B.S. The train is leaving the station. Choo choo. This team has heart and they’re going to continue to show it with another upset victory on the road. Let the haters keep hating, it fuels us.

PICK: Eagles 30, Steelers 24

Bengals @ Ravens (BAL -13.5)

Joe Burrow finally got his first win (as we predicted), and as a prize gets to go to Baltimore to face off against Lamar and the Ravens. Gulp. It’s tough for rookies who get drafted by terrible teams, but Joe should take solace in the fact that it could always be worse. How? Well he could have been drafted by the Titans and his season could already be over due to COVID. #BURN

PICK: Bengals 20, Ravens 42

Dolphins @ 49ers (SF -8)

The good news for San Francisco, they’re still 2-2 after a gut punch of a loss against division-leading Philly. The bad news, that record puts them in last place in the NFC West. Sure there will be the pundits who point out that if they were in the NFC East they’d be in first place, but life is not ruled by ifs and buts, it’s ruled by cold unforgiving facts, and those facts lead me to believe that the 49ers aren’t that great this year and will probably miss the playoffs. All that being said, I think they win a close one against Miami, but fail to cover.

PICK: Dolphins 23, 49ers 27

BIlls @ Titans (No Line)

As I’m writing this, the breaking news has come in that the Titans have more COVID-19 positive cases that threaten to cancel this game. Shocker. It’s a shame, as both of these teams are undefeated, but unfortunately the Titans are better at spreading a deadly virus than covering the spread. Last week was technically their BYE week, so if the game isn’t played it should be forfeited. A lot of people don’t like the concept of a win by forfeit, but in the NFL, you gotta take the W’s no matter how they come.

PICK: Bills win by Forfeit

Broncos @ Patriots (NE -11.5)

The Patriots are favored big in this game even though Cam Newton is still listed as out… I’m not sure what the bookies were watching Monday night, but Brian Hoyer and that Stidham kid are horrible. There’s not much to be said about this match up, but I think the Broncos pull off the upset!

PICK: Broncos 24, Patriots 19

Giants @ Cowboys (DAL -9.5)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The Cowboys gave up 307 rushing yards to a Browns team that lost their starting running back in the first half. Giving up 49 points to a team led by Baker Mayfield is not a winning recipe. Watching the Cowboys lose is one of the greatest joys in this life, and this version of the Cowboys is really good at losing. However, the media is still picking them to win the NFC East… Hilarious. They’re losing again.

PICK: Giants 30, Cowboys 21

Colts @ Browns (IND -2.5)

Don’t look now, but the Browns are 3-1! Cleveland fans everywhere are celebrating in the streets as they have already surpassed their average win total for the last 20 years. The Colts are also sneakily 3-1 and just handed the Bears their first loss. Baker’s probably feeling confident after playing Dallas’ defense (who wouldn’t), but the Colts are a different animal. Just ask Nick Foles. Colts keep winning and Baker cooks up a truly awful performance that single-handedly loses the game for the Browns. He’ll be in the Dawg House after this one!

PICK: Colts 19, Browns 14

Vikings @ Seahawks (SEA -7)

Hard to believe that we have entered the midst of the COVID scares in the NFL and Kirk Cousins is still healthy. It’s also hard to believe that his former teammate, Robert Griffin III is still in the league and actually threw more interceptions last week than Kirk. RG3 threw one in garbage time relieving Lamar Jackson against his former team the Football Team, which is the football team formally known as the Redskins. Funny enough, the Football Team which is the football team formally known as the Redskins drafted RG3 3rd overall, and took Cousins in the 4th round of the same draft. Now Cousins is the “star” quarterback and RG3 is backing up for the reigning MVP. Funny how that works. With all that being said, Russ is still cookin. Seahawks win, but Kirk keeps it close!

PICK: Vikings 23, Seahawks 28

Chargers @ Saints (NO -7.5)

Who knows if this game will even be played as Hurricane Delta swirls around the Gulf of Mexico looming over the city of New Orleans. People have talked a lot about how crappy 2020 has been, but the fact that we had to switch over to the Greek alphabet to name hurricanes because we already went through A-Z really is the cherry on top. If this game is played though, I expect a close one, with Brees inching ahead of Herbert. Saints win, but Chargers cover.

PICK: Chargers 30, Saints 33