Saturday, April 13, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Cardinals Release Attractive Clipboard Holder Leinart

Sad news, folks. It seems that everybody’s favorite jacuzzi ad man will be searching for new employment after losing Arizona’s starting QB gig to a guy that was last year deemed insufficient by the Cleveland Browns.

Eek. Tough luck, Matt.

But hey, all is not lost. Leinart still has his youth. Sort of. And surely there are still some NFL bosses out there that think he has some talent. Maybe. And while “third-string QB for the Seattle Seahawks” might not seem as sexy as “starting QB for the Arizona Cardinals,” I’m certain there are still some women that will find him attractive. I think.

At any rate, you guys know I’m not the type to kick people while they’re down. So let’s take this opportunity to remember some highlights from the transcendent QB’s career so far.

October 1, 2006: Rookie Matt Leinart comes on in the fourth quarter of a week-four matchup against the Atlanta Falcons for his first NFL action. On his second snap (following a successful handoff on first down) Leinart is sacked and fumbles the ball away. Things would only improve for the young gunslinger from there, as he went on to throw his first career interception pass on the next offensive possession. It was on that day that a star was born.

December 3, 2006: Nine short weeks later, the budding superstar posted an impressive 100.3 QB rating against against Big Ten power St. Louis Rams. The Cardinals won 34-20.

October 7, 2007: In a week-five tilt against those same Rams, Leinart’s collarbone selfishly breaks, undermining what was sure to be a breakout season. It was on that day that some jerk back-up named Kurt Warner took over as Arizona’s starting QB, presumably because he loved God just a bit more than Leinart did. This would be nothing but a road block in the young prodigy’s NFL career.

February 1, 2009: Leinart, starring in the role he’d perfected in Arizona’s impressive postseason run, started at Pouty Clipboard Holder in the Super Bowl for the NFC Champ Cards. The star PCH fell just short of watching his team to victory, after his disinterested stare at the Cardinals’ secondary came up just short in stopping Santonio Holmes’ go-ahead TD.

January 3, 2010: Week 17: Leinart ties a career high with two interceptions in a 33-7 loss to the Green Bay Packers. Our man also successfully hands the ball off 14 times to Arizona runningbacks.

February 7, 2010: Leinart’s college runningback, Reggie Bush, wins Super Bowl XLIV with the New Orleans Saints, and our hero deserves tons of credit for that one time he hooked Bush up with those blonde twins. Leinart’s ring, apparently, is still in the mail, or something.

September 4, 2010: Leinart ends his career with the Arizona Cardinals, presumably after deciding that the other three QBs on the roster aren’t in his stratosphere athletically. There is no telling what it will take for a team to reel in the hot free agent in, but I think it’s safe to assume that Leinart will get to be choosy with which UFL team he will grace with his talents.

So see, Matt? All isn’t lost. You’ve got several notable moments behind you, and surely several more to come. And, of course, we’ll always have your appearance in The House Bunny.

Lead image courtesy of The Bleacher Report

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