Saturday, July 13, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Burrested and Put Behind Bars

On Wednesday I stubbed my big toe.
It sucked.

But it didn’t suck as bad as starting a two year prison sentence.

Am I right, Plaxico?

But don’t worry Plax, no need to cry in interviews with Jeremy Schapp.

We here at Korked Bats will provide you with a list of things you will miss in the next 2 years while you are confined in the slammer. Or excuse me, the slamma’.

Trust me, after reading this list, two years from now it will be like you never left us. And by us I mean civilian life.

Things Plaxico Burress Will Miss
While In Jail For The Next Two Years

  • The 2010 Winter Olympic Games
  • Lady Gaga’s Second Album
  • Two seasons of the WNBA
  • The next two Script’s National Spelling Bee
  • Miley Cyrus becoming legal
  • His son, Elijah’s 4th and 5th birthdays
  • The birth of his daughter
  • Donte Stallworth spending time in jail with him
  • The release of the movie 2012
  • The U.S. Census
  • He’s not going to be able to vote for Congress
  • Danny Ocean, when he gets released early for good behavior (but he will be back soon after knocking over The Bellagio, The Mirage, and The MGM Grand)
  • Me, graduating from college (hopefully)
  • The 25th Anniversary of the release of Back To The Future.
  • According to a scenario in the original SimCity computer game, there will be a nuclear meltdown in Boston. (You have until 2015 to complete the scenario.)
  • Women
  • The Cricket World Cup in April 2011
  • The final season of LOST
  • Not Collecting $200 on his way there
  • The Dodgers’ back to back World Series Titles (I hope)
  • The release of Step-Up 3-D. (It’s about time they come out with a 3-D dance movie. Keep your fingers crossed that Channing Tatum returns to the series)
  • Maurice Clarrett’s 26th and 27th Birthday
  • Our Korked Bats Radio Show’s every Saturday from 12pm to 2pm on http://kcou.fm (Shameless Plug)

Choose your one phone call wisely, Mr. Burress.

Of course, being in jail for two years isn’t all that bad. There are many things that Plax will get to be a part of while in the big house.

Things Plaxico Burress Won’t Miss
While In Jail For The Next Two Years

  • Andy Dufresne writing the government everyday to recieve funding for new books for the prison library.
  • Showering with dudes (only instead of showering with fellow teammates, he’ll be showering with fellow inmates)
  • Ernest
  • Playing Football (Because he will be invited to play for Paul Crewe’s team of prisoners when they play the guards)
  • Seeing Johnny Cash in concert
  • Prison Rodents (Fellow inmate John Coffey keeps resurrecting all of them)
  • Getting raped


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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