Building The Perfect Villain: Jeff Bezos
Jeff Bezos is sneakily becoming the popular choice for the next great supervillain prepared to take over the world.
After all, we haven’t seen anything this scary from someone with an origin story built on distributing books since Stephen King started writing horror stories in 1959.
The timeline and ever-evolving key characteristics needed to become an iconic villain are aligning more perfectly for Jeff right now than when his workers clock in for their fast-paced (absolutely no piss break included) 12-hour shifts at Amazon.
Here’s a few examples of what I’ve noticed:
The Evil/Creepy/Just Downright Weird Laugh
It’s rare to see any great villain that doesn’t have a laugh that will send chills down your spine. My personal favorite has to go to The Joker, played by the late Heath Ledger in 2008’s The Dark Knight.
However, on Monday, Jeff pulled out a laugh from the depths of hell after nearly ascending to the heavens, all within the span of about 20 minutes (suck on that, Elon).
The Accessibility to Breaking Edge Technology & Extreme Wealth
On June 5, 2019, Jeff Bezos literally lived out the beginning of the story of Dr. Otto Octavius. If that name doesn’t ring a bell, he was better known as “Doc Ock”, and appeared in Spider-Man 2…
There’s really not much left to say here, this video is just literally the exact same thing as in the movie.
You can tell just how aroused Jeff is in this video at the idea of every Amazon worker being strapped into one of these bad boys. Can you imagine the productivity increase in every Amazon factory in the world? Also, does anyone else find it ironic that the guy obsessed with productivity happens to have a “lazy” eye?
Let’s explore that next…
The Crazy Eyes
Remember Ed the Hyena from The Lion King?
Enough said. Jeff can both look into your eyes and also see what happened behind you with his right one. I wouldn’t even be slightly surprised to learn that his eye has deteriorated to that state due to the machine that reads his pupil to allow entry into his evil lair.
The Shiny Bald Head
Voldemort is undoubtedly the offspring of Jeff Bezos and vacation Mark Zuckerberg. The bald head, pasty (either sunscreen or human flesh covered) skin tone, and otherworldly speed to arrive at distant locations seemingly next-day (shoutout Amazon Prime), are all too obvious for me to ignore.
And Finally, Thousands of Loyal Minions
Hey Jeff, if you’re reading this, (and I’m sure you and Zuck are) could you please take a moment to #FreeKorkedBats on Instagram? I literally don’t know of anyone else above you in the hierarchy of getting things done on the World Wide Web.
