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Bo Pelini, Will Muschamp, and Brady Hoke Walk Into A Bar…

Coaches Walk Into A Bar - With Font

[Bo Pelini walks into a bar with Will Muschamp standing behind the counter cleaning glasses, and Brady Hoke sitting at the bar, playing a Nintendo DS.]

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: [yelling] WHAT’S UP, MUSLOSER?!

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [annoyed] Do you always have to yell, Bo?

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: I CAN’T HELP IT! I HAVE A CONDITION. I’M ALWAYS PISSED OFF AT EVERYTHING, ALWAYS.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: I believe that condition has been diagnosed as “coaching at Nebraska.”

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: SHUT UP, WILL! [looks around] SO THIS IS YOUR NEW PLACE, HUH?

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Yeah, I was able to get a jump start on my job search after botching that South Carolina game. I pretty much knew I’d be gone by seasons end, so I used my buyout money on a down payment for this bar. The hours are a lot better, and I never have to work overtime.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: THAT’S GREAT! YOU ALWAYS SUCKED IN OVERTIME.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Shut up, Bo.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: OH COOL! YOUR BAR EVEN HAS NORM FROM “CHEERS”!

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [interrupts, whispering] Umm… No, Bo. That’s Brady Hoke.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: What’s up, Brad? [pauses his Nintendo DS and waves]

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: OH! SORRY ABOUT THAT. [leans into to whisper to Will] WHY DID HE CALL ME BRAD?

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [whispers back] Brady isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed… In fact, he’s probably the dullest.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: [whispers back] GOTCHA.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: It’s alright. I love cheers! [starts clapping his hands] Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar!

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: [keeps looking around] I DON’T KNOW, WILL… I ALWAYS IMAGINED A MUSCHAMP-OWNED BAR WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: How so?

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: WELL, JUDGING FROM YOUR STINT AT FLORIDA, I FIGURED THE COUNTER HEIGHT WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [confused] What do you mean, Bo?

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: YOU KNOW, I JUST FIGURED YOU WOULD’VE SET THE BAR REALLY LOW.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: [still doing cheers] WE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO! WE GOT SPIRIT! HOW ‘BOUT YOU?

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [rolls his eyes before changing the subject] So, I’m guessing you guys are here because you guys lost your jobs too, huh?

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: I WOULD’NT BE SPENDING THIS MUCH TIME IN A BAR IF I WAS STILL HEAD COACH AT NEBRASKA.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Yes you would.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: OH YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT! I WAS MISERABLE AT THAT JOB! HAHAHAHAHA!

[the guys are unsure if that is a fake laugh or not]

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: What about you, Brady?

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: Yeah, I lost my job too. My wife is going to kill me. I just don’t know what I’m going to do now that my entire schedule is free?

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: What are you talking about? You should already be used to a light schedule. You coached in the Big Ten.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: HAHAHAHAHAhaha… [realizes he, too, coached in the Big Ten] hey, wait a minute.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: What’s the Big Ten?

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [sighs]

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: [changes the subject] SORRY TO HEAR YOU LOST YOUR JOB TOO, WILL.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Yeah. I don’t get it. I got Florida bowl eligible. Isn’t that enough for the University of Florida anymore?

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: I beat Northwestern, 10-9!

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: ARE YOU KIDDING RIGHT NOW? BOWL ELIGIBLE? I WENT 9-3! NINE AND THREE! MY THREE LOSSES WERE ALL TO RANKED TEAMS. AND I GOT FIRED. FIRED! I CLEARLY HAD NO REASON TO BE LET GO! HELL, EVEN MY FAKE TWITTER ACCOUNT WAS PRODUCING GREAT RESULTS!

[the guys fall silent after Bo’s tirade]

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: [breaks the silence] I lost to Rutgers!

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [pats Brady on the back] That’s great, Brady! Good for you.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: SO, WILL, HOW’S BAR LIFE TREATING YOU?

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Well, I’ve pretty much been living in a bar since losing to Georgia Southern. So it’s not entirely new to me. The only difference now is that I’m no longer living off kid’s tuition money. Now, I live off tips.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: HERE’S A TIP… YOU SHOULD’VE STARTED TREON HARRIS EARLIER IN THE SEASON.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [throws a towel at Bo]

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: WHOA! IT’S WEIRD TO SEE YOU ACTUALLY THROW!

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: WE HAD A GOOD RUNNING GAME! AND WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD RUNNING GAME, YOU SHOULDN’T ABANDON IT!WHY DON’T PEOPLE REALIZE THIS?!

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: I like punting.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: [sighs] I just don’t know what the next step is… for any of us. Have y’all thought about new jobs?

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: I’m going to go pro in something other than sports.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Haha! You mean like those NCAA commercials?

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: What commercials?

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Oh…… nevermind.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: I want to be a basketball umpire.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Do you mean a basketball referee or a baseball umpire?

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: Yes.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: THOSE ARE BOTH STILL IN SPORTS, BRADY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO “GO PRO IN SOMETHING OTHER THAN SPORTS!”

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: [starts giggling uncontrollably] I like you, Benji!

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: [shakes his head, looks at Will] I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: You could work in anger management.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: I DON’T KNOW, I FEEL LIKE A JOB LIKE THAT WOULD MAKE ME PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Oh, right. Because you’re not already. [looks away] Well… you could go on tour with GWAR or Linkin Park?

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: I’VE CONSIDERED BOTH, BUT I DON’T LIKE HOW MUCH THEY YELL.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: You could work as a hamster.

[it’s gotten to the point where both Will and Bo are just ignoring Brady now]

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: UGH. I CAN’T THINK ABOUT IT ANY LONGER. MY HEAD HURTS.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Be careful. If your head hurts bad enough, Brady will put you back in the game at quarterback.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: NICE.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: It’s like that Nelly Furtado song!

[Will and Bo share a look, having no idea what Brady is talking about.]

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Did you hear they already hired my replacement? Jim McElwain out of Colorado State is taking my job.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: UGH. ANNOYING. YEAH, THEY GOT MIKE RILEY TO TAKE MY JOB.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: That should be a good hire, right?

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: YEAH IF NEBRASKA IS LOOKING TO GO 2-7 IN THE PAC-12 NEXT YEAR.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Riley’s a nice guy though, right? I mean, he’s like a hippy, but really nice.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: YEAH, I BET RILEY HAS ALREADY TURNED MY OFFICE INTO A HOT YOGA STUDIO.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: Michigan replaced me with Bear Bryant.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Um, Brady… Bear Bryant is dead.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: [tears fill his eyes] Whaaaaa?!

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: YEAH, HE’S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER THIRTY YEARS.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: [instantly stops crying] Wait, did I say Bear Bryant? I meant to say Michigan is replacing me with a toaster.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: This is like after your girl breaks up with you and starts dating another guy no more than a week later.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: Girls are yucky.

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: Brady, you’re married to a girl.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: Tell it to the judge!

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’D LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST. FOR THE THREE OF US.

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: You should use the toaster Michigan replaced me with.

Head Coach - Bo Pelini

Bo: HERE’S TO US LIVING UP OUR UNEMPLOYED LIFE IN HOPES WE LAND BACK ON OUR FEET QUICKLY!

Head Coach - Will Muschamp

Will: I’ll drink to that!

Head Coach - Will MuschampHead Coach - Bo Pelini

Will and Bo: CHEERS!

Head Coach - Brady Hoke

Brady: Cheers? Ok… RAH-RAH-SIS-BOOM-BAH!

[Will and Bo leave.]

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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