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Baseball’s Unwritten Rules, Written Down

Major League Baseball fans constantly hear about the game’s unwritten rules, or otherwise known as common courtesy in the game of baseball. For centuries though, no one has taken the time to write these rules down, just so we’re all on the same page as to what you CAN and CANNOT do in baseball. Pretty sure rules are a lot easier to follow if you write them down.

So that’s why we at Korked Bats took it upon ourselves to write down Baseball’s Unwritten Rules.

So here they are… baseball’s unwritten rules, written down:

  • If a player has a 3-0 count with the bases loaded and his team leading 10-3, he should not swing his bat at all, let alone hit a grand slam. In fact, just go ahead and quit baseball altogether, because that lead is way too big already. You don’t want to show up your opponent.
  • It’s always best to stop playing when you have a lead, so your opponent can come back in the game and/or lose peacefully.
  • If you’re a pitcher on an off-night, you must wear a team hoodie, sit on the top dugout step for the entire night, either chewing on a fingernail or occasionally saying something to the guy next to you.
  • If you step on the pitcher’s mound and you’re not a pitcher, you will instantly have bad luck. I mean, you saw what happened to Dr. Fauci.
  • If a throw from the outfield is late, it’s because Yasiel Puig didn’t hit his cutoff man.
  • If a throw from the outfield is on time, it’s because Mookie Betts.
  • If a rule needs fixed, wait about 25 years or so for baseball to finally fix it.
  • If a rule doesn’t need to be fixed, wait about 25 minutes for Rob Manfred to try and fix it.
  • If the home team’s player is up to bat has a full count, the fans must stand, get really loud and try to rattle the away team’s pitcher, even though it might make the home team player nervous, causing him to strike out.
  • If you’re not superstitious, you’re not a baseball player.
  • No hitters are like Fight Club in the sense that the first rule is you don’t talk about no hitters.
  • No hitters are also like Fight Club in the sense that neither ever involve a San Diego Padres pitcher.
  • Never steal a base when your team is winning in a blowout, because it’s rude.
  • Always steal signs when your team is losing in a blowout, because F it.
  • Never steal signs electronically and convey that intel by use of a trash can.
  • No one understands the play at the plate rule, and no one ever will.
  • Don’t date during baseball season.
    • For example: In 2009, Matt Kemp was single. He hit nearly .297, had 34 stolen bases, and 101 RBI’s. He won a Gold Glove Award and a Silver Slugger Award. In 2010, Matt started dating Rihanna. He played in 3 more games than his 2009 season, and his batting average dropped to .249, he had 30 fewer hits, 15 fewer stolen bases, and over 30 more strikeouts. In 2011, Matt and Rihanna broke up and Matt finished 2nd in the National League MVP voting.
  • Don’t admire a home run.
  • Don’t admire Alex Rodriguez.
  • Don’t bunt to break up a no hitter. Just kidding. Go for it! It’s a no hitter, not a no bunter.
  • You will never get the theme from Major League Baseball featuring Ken Griffey Jr. for Nintendo 64 out of your head.
  • “Hi, this is Ken Griffey Jr. Let’s play Major League Baseball. It’s showtime! …Call call, call me Junior.”
  • It’s better to flip someone off than flip a bat.
  • A bat flip is never acceptable. After every hit, no matter how good or how far, you gingerly bend over to gently set down your bat and maybe dust it off a few times, all of this to not infuriate the opposing team’s pitcher.
  • If there is a fast baserunner on first base and second base is open, you must throw over to check the runner a minimum of five times. The first time to keep the runner in-check, and the other four times to slow the game down and annoy fans.
  • If an away team’s pitcher throws to first to keep a runner on, fans must boo him as if he just murdered your family.
  • Hit the ball where it’s pitched.
  • Conversely, don’t hit a ball where it’s not pitched. That’s just dumb. (I’m looking at you, Jose Altuve.)
  • Los Angeles Dodgers fans are not allowed to show up prior to the 3rd inning and must not stay past the 7th inning.
  • Chicago Cubs fans are not allowed to show up sober.
  • Tampa Bay Rays fans are not allowed to show up.
  • Always give 110%… except when you’re team is winning 10-3 late in a game.
  • If an All-Star Game is tied after 9 innings, it shall end in a tie.
  • If one of your players gets hit by a pitch, your pitcher must retaliate in the next half inning.
  • If the opposing team retaliates to your retaliation, you must retaliate in the next half inning.
  • If the opposing team retaliates your retaliation of their retaliation, resort to this:
  • Basically, never stop hitting the opposing team until they’re beaten to a bloody pulp.
  • If a team cheats their way to a World Series title and then an American League title, always retaliate. Then make faces at them.
  • If you pick your nose in the dugout, a camera will catch you doing it.
  • If your team is playing a season in the middle of a global pandemic, don’t go out to a casino after games.
  • No matter how good you get at mowing a lawn, you will never get the lines in your home lawn to be as even and beautiful as those in a MLB outfield.
  • “Call, call, call me Junior.”
  • If you play professional, college, high school, middle school, or little league baseball, NEVER take steroids.
  • If you play men’s slow-pitch softball, ALWAYS take steroids.
  • If you play men’s slow-pitch softball, never use a guy’s bat without asking.
    • “Bro, did you just use my bat?! That’s a $700 bat! I will [expletive] kill you.”
  • If you use a guy’s bat without asking, don’t take what he says personally. It’s the ‘roid rage talking.
  • You will forget about your fantasy baseball team 9 weeks into the season.
  • When arguing about baseball, throw out the terms sabermetrics, OBP, and WAR, and you’ll win the argument guaranteed.
  • This will never NOT be funny:
Padres Hat - Alex Torres
  • No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to throw a baseball like a submarine pitcher.
  • Baseball shall first adopt instant replay, then ban home plate collisions, and the sport must continue to implement new rules every year until it is football.
  • No, it’s not you. Hunter Pence does everything extremely awkward. Try not to laugh.
  • The only thing more awkward than baseball cards in the mid-90’s is nothing:
Piazza Rookie Card
  • No matter what Fernando Tatis Jr. does, it’s wrong.
  • Any Yankees-Red Sox game must take no less than 6 hours to complete.
  • If you have trouble fielding routine fly balls you will be designated to play the outfield of the Home Run Derby or for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
  • When signing autographs before the game, only sign for cute girls and young kids.
  • If you smile or have fun playing baseball, it is disrespectful to your opponent and to the game.
  • If you make it to the big leagues by slipping on a baseball, breaking your arm and somehow throwing a lot faster after your tendons healed a lot tighter, and then somehow loosened those tendons after again slipping on a baseball, thus losing your ability to throw fast, and are about to face the best hitter on the opposing team… just float it.
  • Also, your father, who walked out on you and your mom was never that great at baseball. Your mom lied to you all these years. However, it was your mom who was really good at baseball. Seriously. Check the inside of your baseball mitt.
  • If you’re a Cardinals fan and someone makes a really good point while making fun of your team, you must respond with “Oh yeah? Well, how many world championships does your team have?” As long as that person is not a Yankees fan.
    • NOTE: do NOT point out that over half of those world titles came before World War 2 and Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier.
  • Any unattended food left out in the clubhouse will be eaten by Pablo Sandoval. Whether he’s on your team or not.
  • When Bartolo Colon swings, his helmet must come off. Every. Time.
  • If nobody signs Bartolo Colon, he shall be kept in a glass case to preserve his mint condition.
  • Sunglasses are just for show, and not for blocking the sun out of your eyes:
Holiday Sun
  • If you show any emotion whatsoever when playing Brian McCann’s team, like Liam Niesson, he will find you, and he will kill you.
  • 98.6% of attempted bunts with 2 strikes will go foul.
  • American League teams don’t even know how to spell “bunt.”
  • If you walk the leadoff batter of an inning, there is a 112% chance he will score.
  • Whenever your MLB team needs to call up talent, it’s best to do so from your designated AAA farm team. For example, the New York Yankees get their big leaguers from the Kansas City Royals.
  • Maybe don’t masturbate in your car.
  • “Call, call, call me Junior. It’s showtime!”
  • Even today, Nomar Garciaparra will never be content with the strap tightness of his batting gloves.
  • If a player joins your team and doesn’t the know the backstory of “The Beast,” you must host an all-night campout for the entire team, just so one kid can explain the 2-minute story to him.
  • If you ever get a bad tattoo, never, under any circumstances (even hitting a walk-off home run in Game 7 of the ALCS to send your team to the World Series), take off your shirt.
  • Never make the first out at third.
  • Never make the third out at third.
  • Never make the fourth out anywhere.
  • The white powder in Rosin Bags are used to dry a pitcher’s hand and not anything else, Daryl Strawberry.
  • Lonely pitchers should never throw a no hitter, so they always have someone to chat with on the bench.
  • When all of these rules are enforced, it should be referred to as “The Cardinal Way.”

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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