Bank Some Bones! Here Are Gator’s Best NFL Picks On The Internet – Week 15

I’m what most people would consider a “Scrooge.” I war with Christmas every year, and truly feel it’s the worst time of the year due to the lack of sun, fake cheer, and horrible holiday movies/music. Even though “Grinch” is a more appropriate insult since Scrooge was simply a greedy jerk who had an epiphany during the holiday season, whereas the Grinch truly hated Christmas. Whatever. Well, in the hopes of my heart growing 3 sizes this day, each pick will include what one of the teams want most for Xmas!

Chargers @ Raiders (LV -3)

The Raiders want an owner who doesn’t terrify little children just by merely existing for Christmas. Al Davis was a scary man as well, but his son Mark is just disturbing. Something about those outfits mixed with his horrible haircut sends a tingle down my spine. Billionaires should really do better.

PICK: Chargers 20, Raiders 27

Bills @ Broncos (BUF -6.5)

The Bills want an AFC East Title for Christmas. This one is easy. Like the spoiled brat crying for a PS5, there’s NOTHING in the world that the Bills want more. In fact they need it! Fun fact, in my 25 years on this Earth, the Bills have not won a division title. That’s right folks, the Bills haven’t won the division since the 1994-95 season. This year it seems like a lock, but I’m not going to put a jinx on a franchise that lost 4 straight Super Bowls. Oof.

PICK: Bills 34, Broncos 20

Panthers @ Packers (GB -8.5)

The Panthers want a sitcom with Robbie Anderson and Sir Purr for Christmas. What started earlier in the season with receiver Robbie Anderson confusing the Panther for a Bear gained traction for a few weeks, but died off. Based off of the Panthers season this year, this was bad news. I want to pitch a Full House-style show staring Anderson and Sir Purr. It’d at least be better than watching the football team.

PICK: Panthers 13, Packers 31

49ers @ Cowboys (SF -3)

The Cowboys want to not be hated by all true blooded Americans for Christmas. Normally, I feel bad for individuals who feel like outcasts. In these trying times, it’s important to stick together. With that being said, screw the Cowboys and their fans. They’ve reaped what they have sowed and deserve all the spite directed at them.

PICK: 49ers 31, Cowboys 13

Seahawks @ Football Team (SEA -5)

The Seahawks want Russ to win an MVP for Christmas. Poor guy will spend his whole career finished 2nd, kinda like Drew Brees. Don’t look now, but the Seahawks are probably not going to win their own division. People have been laughing at the NFC East, but the Football Team is on a 4-game winning streak. I think this will be a close one.

PICK: Seahawks 31, Football Team 28

Bears @ Vikings (MIN -3)

The Bears want a coach who knows what he’s doing for Christmas. The Bears have gone back to Mitch as the starter just in time for them to pretend like they’re still in the playoff hunt. It really makes you wonder how many wins they’d have if they had a coach who didn’t pull the plug on an undefeated quarterback… Get rid of this guy, Chicago. His lasting legacy will be the meme of his face after the Double Doink. Horrible look for the Windy City.

PICK: Bears 13, Vikings 24

Patriots @ Dolphins (MIA -2)

The Patriots want a time machine to go back to 2000 for Christmas. Really feels as if the dynasty has come to an end, and it must be tough for those in the Northeast. I would feel bad, but they were cheaters who never got punished, so screw those guys. Don’t cry because it’s over, New England. Smile because it happened.

PICK: Patriots 20, Dolphins 27

Jaguars @ Ravens (BAL -13)

The Jaguars want Blake Bortles back for Christmas. Ok, they probably don’t, but I do, and it can’t get worse! Bring back Bortles and maybe you bring back the wins. It’s pretty obvious that Minshew is only good for cool facial hair… Maybe he can be the new mascot and Bortles can lead the team back to 6 wins! YAY!

PICK: Jaguars 13, Ravens 34

Buccaneers @ Falcons (TB -6)

The Falcons want to stop choking for Christmas. A simple request, but it would help the good people of Atlanta. Even with them firmly out of the playoff hunt, they are finding new ways to devastate their fans. That loss against the Chargers last week was something truly horrible. I’m praying for them, but the Falcons will need a Christmas miracle for their wish to come true.

PICK: Bucs 28, Falcons 24

Lions @ Titans (TEN -11)

The Titans want recognition for Derrick Henry for Christmas. Not that anyone outside of Nashville has noticed, but King Henry is having an all-time great season. He has rushed for 100 yards in a game 8 times this season, with two 200-yard games. He needs to average around 150 yards a game to get to 2,000 yards and it’s totally doable looking at the cakewalk schedule the Titans have left. In a league that has all but abandoned the run, a 2,000 yard season is amazing. He really should be in the MVP race.

PICK: Lions 13, Titans 34

Texans @ Colts (IND -7)

The Colts want a quarterback who isn’t washed up for Christmas. The Colts are probably going to make the playoffs this year, but they won’t go far with Rivers as his quarterback. He just doesn’t have the spunk to do it anymore. Probably cause he had 9 kids. Tough stuff. I love their defense but Phillip is a liability.

PICK: Texans 20, Colts 28

Eagles @ Cardinals (ARZ -6)

The Cardinals want to not be playing in the NFC West for Christmas. At 7-6 they’re in the hunt for a wild card. If they were playing the NFC East, they’d be on top of the division. Tough break for the red birds. Speaking of birds, GO BIRDS. We’re the only picks on the internet (I think) to pick the Eagles straight up last week, so your welcome America. These picks are truly fuego.

PICK: Eagles 31, Cardinals 24

Jets @ Rams (LAR -17)

The Jets want Trevor Lawrence for Christmas. There is no other reason as to why they would be losing every game in such horrible fashion. The problem with tanking in the NFL is that even if you do get a game changing quarterback, you still need to block for him or he will not last a season (cough Joe Burrow cough). Knowing the Jets, they’ll get the first pick and Lawrence will decide to stay at Clemson for his senior year.

PICK: Jets 10, Rams 37

Chiefs @ Saints (KC -3)

The Saints want a backup quarterback who isn’t a gimmick for Christmas. The Taysom Hill experiment hit a snag when they were upset by the Eagles (Go Birds!). It’s really tough to win games in the NFL when your quarterback is classified as a tight end on ESPN fantasy. They better hope Brees is back in time for this week, because if they don’t have a real quarterback going against the Chiefs, they’re going to be run out of the building.

PICK: Chiefs 34, Saints 20

Browns @ Giants (CLE -5)

The Browns want better locks on their bathroom toilets for Christmas. In the game of the year, the Browns were so close to taking down the Ravens, but were sunk when Lamar Jackson came back from the bathroom. Better locks and maybe he gets stuck in there and Cleveland pulls off the upset. Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.

PICK: Browns 23, Giants 20

Steelers @ Bengals (PIT -12.5)

The Steelers want crappy teams to beat up on. After starting the season 11-0, the Steelers have now lost two straight after playing decent competition. Good news for them is that they get to play the crappy Bengals this week. I don’t even know who they’re starting at quarterback, but it won’t matter. They’re going to get crushed. Might as well bring back Carson Palmer for the start for old times sake.

PICK: Steelers 35, Bengals 11