fbpx

Athletes Best Equipped to Help You Survive the Apocalypse

Since the apocalypse is coming this weekend, Saturday to be exact, I thought it best for us all to prepare a bit. Zombies are coming, or God or whatever. Needless of who is ending humanity and the world as we know it, you’d best start preparing. Here are the athletes that I think are best equipped to help you survive impending doom.

Brains

Note: You’ll have to track these athletes down, show them this post and convince them to help you out amongst the fiery death that surrounds you both in order for this post to be effective.

Evan Longoria – He’s good with a bat (weapon), tall (help you into a tree) and has intimidatingly good looks (fact). Plus if your zombie hits a curving baseball at you, you should still be in good shape.

Ray Lewis – Big, strong, fast. Has no trouble using extensive force to rid a moving object of its life. Too soon?

OJ Simpson – See: Ray Lewis + the ability to steal back his own autograph. May be a good co-author of your post-apocalyptic novel “How I Did It,” about, of course, how you allegedly killed your wife zombie.

Lou Holtz – He pretty much looks dead. A great way to disguise yourself and blend in.

No Photoshopping necessary.

Manny Pacquiao – The best boxer in the world is a no-brainer (hehe). Jab and move. Jab and move.

Floyd Mayweather – A very good boxer, Mayweather is the world’s greatest avoiding-situations-everyone else-knows-should-happen-er, which may prove to be more helpful than fists.

Joakim Noah – Same physical attributes as Lou Holtz but with a crazy ability to flail is arms.

Athletes to Avoid: LeBron James (he tends to run away when things get tough), Jose Canseco (I just want him to die), Derek Jeter (he would swing and miss the zombies about 4 out of 5 times).

So there ya have it. Good luck and don’t die or else.

Who do you think would be an essential apocalypse athlete? Hit up the comments!

Kyle

Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.

Kyle

0 thoughts on “Athletes Best Equipped to Help You Survive the Apocalypse

  • Avatar
    May 21, 2011 at 2:29 am
    Permalink

    I would just like to stipulate that at press time, Derek Jeter has a better batting average than Longoria.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.