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An Exclusive Post-Hot Dog in the Face Interview with Sluggerrr

There has been a great deal of attention surrounding the recent lawsuit filed by John Coomer, alleged Kansas City Royals fan and obvious resident of the state of Kansas, towards the Kansas City Royals Franchise. He claims that during a Royals game on September 8th, Sluggerrr (the King of the Jungle mascot of aforementioned professional sports team) was tossing hot dogs to fans via paw, throwing them into the stands, and on an attempt at a “behind the back dog toss,” Sluggerrr struck the plaintiff in the eye. Court records said Coomer has since undergone two surgeries and has suffered permanent vision impairment in his left eye.

“I was sitting in the outfield, the section where home runs usually go,” Coomer said in a recent interview, “and so I figured I was safe from any projectiles, this being a Royals game, and all.”

So to try and get the other side of the story, I sat down with the KC bringer of joy, Sluggerrr, in an exclusive Korked Bats interview:

Korked Bats Interview

With Kansas City Royals’ Mascot Sluggerrr

Korked Bats: Hey Sluggerrr, I just want to start by saying thank you for taking the time out of your day to meet with me.

Sluggerrr: RAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRR

-A long moment passed-

KB: Excuse me, Sluggerrr?

S: RAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRR

KB: Ok, I don’t think this is going to work out. Thank you for your time.

S: I’m just kidding, Kyle. Keepin’ my lion front on, you know?

KB: Ok, I suppose that makes sense. So let’s jump right into it. How do you feel about the allegations that you struck a fan in the eye with a hot dog during a game last summer?

S: I’m sure I did. It was a behind-the-back throw. Those are difficult throws. Even Magic Johnson missed them every once in a while, but you don’t see anyone suing him.

KB: That’s hardly relevant.

S: If you look very closely on the back of your ticket, it says the Kansas City Royals are not responsible for any eye damage caused by combination-meat products.

KB: It says that on the tickets? Where?

S: It’s very small, and… it’s written in lion.

KB: Lion? What kind of a language is that?

S: It’s invisible. (grows angry) It’s an invisible language, ok!? Look, you don’t know half of what I go through every day. What goes on in this head would blow your mind. When I was a kid my uncle betrayed my father and threw him into a stampede of wildebeest that ended up trampling him to death. I was too afraid to confront him, so I fled to the depths of the jungle where I befriended a warthog and a meerkat, and had to sing a bunch and age rapidly on a log before I could eventually confront my uncle, whom I had to throw into a fiery pit of flaming fire just to avenge my father. I’VE SEEN THINGS!

KB: Sluggerrr, I’m pretty sure that didn’t happen to you.

S: You don’t know me!

-Sluggerrr proceeded to storm out of the interview.-

-Kyle

Kyle

Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.

Kyle

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