Thursday, April 25, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

A Timeline of John Mozeliak’s Trade Deadline Day

Never has there been a first place team that felt like they were in last place quite like the 2019 St. Louis Cardinals.

The Cardinals are currently sitting in first place in the NL Central, but it feels as though they’re doomed, and maybe even cursed. Cardinals fans are cautiously pessimistic, and understandably so. The frustrations coming from Cardinal Nation are extremely warranted. The Cardinals front office told us 2019 mattered, but when it came to the trade deadline, their actions didn’t match their words.

What makes it worse was MLB Network’s Greg Amsinger said that walking the halls of the Network that day, with some of the best baseball writers and reporters in the country, multiple people said they hadn’t even heard of the Cardinals talking with other teams.

Infuriating for Cardinals fans, right?

So what the heck was John Mozeliak doing that day? Well, we were actually able to somehow track down John Mozeliak’s schedule from July 31st, 2019.

So without further adu, I present to you…

A Timeline of John Mozeliak’s Trade Deadline Day

4:59am – Mo’s alarm goes off. Why 4:59a instead of 5:00a? So he can tell people he gets up before 5.

5:01am – Mo makes breakfast. A healthy bowl of Carpenter Crunch. Part of a well-balanced breakfast. That’s “bAlAnced” with a Double-A.

5:30am – Mo whips open his laptop. He’s got a busy day ahead. Better get to work right now.

5:31am – Mo types www.JCrew.com into his web browser. Hey, those quarter-zip sweaters aren’t going to buy themselves.

6:15am – After adding his 33rd item into his cart, Mo realizes maybe he should start doing actual work…

6:16am – So Mo types www.BrooksBrothers.com into his web browser. What?! J. Crew didn’t have the chinos he wants in his size. Plus, Mo could use another bowtie or two or eight. “Look good, feel good,” Mo mumbles to himself under his breath.

7:30am – After nearly two-hours of online shopping (or as Mo calls it “therap-e-shopping”) and three maxed-out credit cards later, Mo decides to get dressed for the day.

7:45am – Mo goes into the bathroom to shave, but then stops. He realizes if he goes with the scruffy 5 o’clock shadow look, it will give off the look like he hasn’t had time to shave because he was too busy “doing the baseball trade stuff.” Plus, he saw Jon Hamm rock this scruffy 5 o’clock shadow look one time. Mo believes he kind of looks like Jon Hamm. Unfortunately for Mo, he looks like if Jon Hamm never pursued acting, but rather went into accounting.

8:03am – Mo leaves the house for Busch Stadium.

8:16am – Mo swings by the Galleria in Clayton. “Sometimes they have things in store that they don’t sell online,” he says to himself, justifying why he’s going to be late to work.

8:45am – Mo walks out of the Galleria holding six bags. Three from Nordstrom, one from Eddie Bauer, one from Lacoste, and one from Yankee Candle.

9:05am – Mo arrives to work. Cardinals GM Michael Girsch is there waiting for him. “What kind of coffee would you like today, Mr. Mozeliak?” he asks. Mo gives him a stern look and says, “Michael, how many times have we been over this, don’t call me Mr. Mozeliak.” Girsch apologizes, “I’m sorry… Mr. Almighty Mo-Man The Baseball Zeus!” Mo nods, “That’s better. And I’ll take my usual.”

9:36am – Girsch returns with a venti soy raspberry white chocolate iced mocha with extra whip cream.

9:49am – Mo finishes his drink. “Ahhhh,” he says loudly after his final sip.

9:51am – Mo falls asleep at his desk.

12:02pm – Mo wakes up, checks his watch, and says, “Alright, time for lunch.”

12:03pm – Girsch walks in and asks, “Want me to pick some food up for you, Mr. Almighty Mo-Man The Baseball Zeus?” Mo shakes his head no. “The trade deadline is busier this year than in the last few years. So I’d like to get out of the office for a bit. Clear my head.”

12:29pm – Mo’s car pulls up to the California Pizza Kitchen at the Galleria.

12:31pm – “Mama Mia, Mama Mo-a!” Mo says in a really bad Italian accent. He says this every time he enters CPK, even though it’s clearly not an Italian restaurant.

12:34pm – His waiter arrives to his table. “Shouldn’t you be making trades today? Isn’t the deadline in a few hours?” the waiter asks. “I’m about to make a trade,” Mo says. “Really?? What is it?” the waiter excitedly asks. “I’m about to trade some cash considerations for a Buffalo Chicken Pizza, my good sir,” Mo says laughing to himself. The disgruntled waiter, who’s also a Cardinals fan, sighs and asks if he’d like anything else. “And a tall glass of milk please!”

1:28pm – Mo returns to his office.

1:33pm – Mo’s phone rings. Blocked number. Mo answers and immediately hears giggling. “Hello, is this the Cardinals?” the voice on the other line asks holding back laughter. “Yes,” Mo says. “Is…[more giggling]…Is your… Is your refrigerator running?” Mo peeks into the office kitchen. “Yes,” Mo says. “[more giggling] Well, it’s probably running faster than Yadier Molina!” the person shouts into the phone before hanging up. Mo realizes this is probably a prank call. “Damn you, Epstein,” he whispers under his breath while clenching his fist.

1:41pm – Mo’s phone rings. It’s Dodgers President of Baseball Operations Andrew Friedman. “Surfs up, man! I was just at California Pizza Kitchen! I bet you eat there all the time since you live out there. Gah, you’re so lucky. Although, there I’m sure you guys just call it Pizza Kitchen.” Friedman cuts him off and explains that he heard the Cardinals needed left-handed pitching help for their bullpen. “I’ve got just the guy for you,” Friedman says. “Tony…. Cingrani.” Mo sits up in his chair, “I’m listening.” Friedman explains that Tony Cingrani is almost as good as a Tyler Webb with all the worst qualities of a Greg Holland, but admits Cingrani has more injuries that have him sidelined until next year. This time Mo cuts Friedman off. “YOU HAD ME AT TYLER WEBB!” he shouts. “Want Jedd Gyorko in return??” Friedman, a little surprised by this, says, “Wait.. really? Ummm.. sure.” The two men agree to the deal. “Always great working with you, Andy Free!” Mo says awkwardly trying to force that nickname onto him. Then right before he hangs up, Mo hears on the line, “He did it. He actually made that trade. AND he threw in Jedd Gyorko. You owe me 5 bucks, Epstein!” Wait. Esptein was with Friedman that WHOLE TIME?! Damn. Mo got played by Epstein AGAIN.

1:55pm – Mo’s phone rings. It’s Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen. He wants to trade Zach Wheeler to the Cardinals for highly touted prospects Dylan Carlson or Nolan Gorman. “No way, Jose!” Mo says, thinking the Mets’ GM’s name is Jose. “We’re not giving up Carlson or Gorman.” The Mets GM then offers a deal of Zach Wheeler for Harrison Bader and all 195-points of his batting average. “You think I’m crazy?” Mo yells. “Who else is going to not hit in the bottom of our lineup?” Mo hangs up.

1:57pm – Mo’s phone rings again. It’s the Mets. They offered to just give Zach Wheeler to the Cardinals for free. “You listen here buddy,” Mo says. “If you call here one more time, I’m going to have you reported.”

2:23pm – Mo gets an email from Theo Epstein. The subject reads URGENT. Mo clicks on it frantically. It’s a coupon for 50% off all items at Banana Republic. Just click here, the coupon reads. Mo shrieks loudly. He clicks on the coupon. It takes him directly to a YouTube link of Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up. Mo has been Rick Rolled by Theo Epstein. Mo looks to the heavens, shaking his fists. “EPPPPSTEEEEEEIIIIINNNNNNNN!”

2:30pm – Times winding down until the 3pm deadline. Mo pages his assistant on his office phone. “Yes?” Girsch answers. “Please hold my calls, I need to work out a trade before 3p,” Mo says.

2:31pm – Mo makes a trade. He got Robbie Ray from the Diamondbacks. Then he turns off MLB The Show on the PS4 in his office.

2:39pm – Mo cracks his knuckles like he did something.

3:00pm – The Trade Deadline hits. Mo sighs. “Man, we were busier this year than in year’s past,” he says to no one in particular.



Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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