A Review of ‘The Batman’ From A Guy Who Hasn’t Seen It Yet

March 3, 2022March 3, 2022 Austin

What is there to say about Hollywood’s newest box office smash, The Batman?

No, seriously, I’m asking. I haven’t seen it yet, and I want to know what there is to say about it.

Before you click away from this review to read a review of The Batman from “a guy who has already seen it” who may or may not be a “professional movie critic,” please note that I have seen Batman movies before. In fact, all of them. So I’m not totally left in the dark here. Like Bane. Remember Bane? While you were merely raised in the dark, he was born in it and molded by it. Personally, that’s not something I’d be bragging about to friends at cocktail parties like he does, but he also blows up stadiums while Hines Ward returns kickoffs, so he’s a little odd to begin with. Probably not a whole lot of reasoning with him either.

The Batman stars Robert Pattinson (Tenet, Twilight, Remember Me, Twilight 2, Twilight 3, was there a Twilight 4? If so, he was in it), who I’m going to assume plays Bruce Wayne. For those that don’t know, Bruce Wayne is a billionaire playboy who – since he’s played by Pattinson – clearly can’t afford a comb. I’m also going to assume that very early on, we learn Bruce Wayne’s alter ego is a hero vigilante who protects Gotham city by bringing justice to the streets and nearly beating his worst villains to death before giving them an out at the last second. Now if you’re curious if this Bruce fella has parents or not, I’m sure this movie will tell you as every Batman movie has. And don’t worry, if they’re not still around and just so happened to die a horribly painful death, I’m sure the movie will explain that with some sort of shaky-camera and echoey flashback.

The movie also stars Lenny Kravitz’s daughter who may or may not be the American woman he sings about in his hit song, “Fly Away.” I’m not sure who she plays, maybe Catwoman? Or maybe she’s just an extra who works in a record shop like she did in the short-lived show High Fidelity. According to IMDB, John Turturro is in The Batman as well. However, if I have to be critical of this film that I have yet to see, it’s here. Because apparently, he doesn’t play Alfred, which is essentially the same role he played in Mr. Deeds. I’m not sure what role he plays in this new version, but I’m willing to bet he’s not near as “very very sneaky, sir” as he was in that classic. Colin Ferrall is in it as well, who you may remember from his Academy Award-winning performance in the movie Phonebooth, where for an hour and a half he was inside of a phonebooth. I know phonebooths are a lot like Colin Ferrall by struggling to stay relevant, but I’m hoping he pops in one during this movie for old time’s sake. And lastly, Paul Dano is in this movie. If you don’t know Paul Dano by name, it’s ok. Neither did I before looking it up on IMDB. But he’s the guy who looks like if Cousin Greg from Succession made an offspring with the bad guy from Red Eye/Scarecrow from Batman Begins. He’s also in Looper, if that helps. But anyway, he’s in this movie too, I guess.

I do know the movie takes place in Gotham City. Don’t ask me how, but I just know.

Personally, I feel like this movie will be really good. Why? Because the trailers make the movie appear very poorly lit and always overcast – which, as we’ve learned through the years, makes for very entertaining and very gritty superhero reboots. You want to be a box office smash? Don’t you dare show color and/or the sun shining. Personally, I think it’s hard for a Batman movie to fail as long as you abide by two rules: 1. don’t put Ben Affleck in it, and 2. don’t put nipples on the suit.