A Recap of “The Bachelor” from a Guy – Week 3

January 22, 2015January 22, 2015 Austin

PLEASE NOTE: This post contains spoilers. If you have yet to watch the second episode, please take caution.

This episode, like every other episode, is unlike every other episode in the show’s history, at least according to the show’s promos. This week, ABC’s own Jimmy Kimmel joined the show for some much needed comic relief. However, based on last week’s episode, we suspected it might have been Kimberly in a Jimmy Kimmel costume, trying to come back to get a rose. You never know.

The show started with Kimmel walking in and immediately killing it with a fantastic, “Hello, Sister Wives!” line, but it might have come across funnier than it actually was, because the women on the show are super giddy and just laughed at every word he said.

“Hi, I’m Jimmy Kimmel!”
“O-M-G! Did you hear him? He’s totes hysterical! I’m LOLing!”

One of the things that bothers me about this show is when the couples go on dates, they go on the most amazing and extravagant dates that no one in the real world would ever actually go on. The dates on The Bachelor are just so unrealistic, and with the first date of this week’s episode, that trend continued.

Chris took Kaitlyn on a one-on-one date to Costco.

“How’s that unrealistic?” you ask. Well, for one, if they went on a real Costco date, they’d still be in line to check out. Also, I didn’t see either of them grab one free sample of lemon-glazed poppyseed chicken or something. What gives? Lastly, did you see what Kaitlyn was wearing? I don’t know about you, but no one I know wears a skin-tight halter top bearing midriff when shopping at Costco. That seems like more of a Sam’s Club outfit to me.

The two bought a bunch of items in bulk and headed home to make their own dinner. When they got home, Kimmel was there. He acted like somewhat of a third wheel on their date, which I’m sure he’s used to when you consider his role in the late-night talk show scene. The date ended with Kaitlyn receiving a rose and Jimmy stealing some pillows.

ABC abruptly returned from commercials with shots of Jillian getting a hardcore lift in. It must have been glutes and deltoids day. Take it easy, Jillian. This is The Bachelor, not American Gladiators. Even Chris from Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition thinks you work out too much.

The group date this week was referred to as a “hoedown,” in case you forgot Chris is a farmer. It was a race full of husking corn, milking goats, wrestling pigs, and censoring Jillian’s butt. Carly ended up winning it all, with Jillian coming in a close second. “At least I wasn’t out first round,” Jillian said. This would’ve been wrong if she had been talking about her butt, which was out well before the first round.

The group then reconvened that night for a more sensual date — or as sensual as a date can be with one guy and eight women. Amber got Chris alone and asked him to slow dance. There was no music playing. I’m not saying it was painfully awkward, but Amber didn’t get a rose this week. So, you be the judge. We also learned during this date (and every episode so far this season) that Chris likes to kiss. However, Mackenzie, being the first girl on the show who he kissed, became really confused as to why he was kissing other girls. In fact, she was so confused, she felt inclined to ask.

Mackenzie: “Remember how you kissed me first?”
Chris: “Yeah.”
Mackenzie: “Well, why are you kissing other girls?”

This isn’t the Amazing Race, Mackie. It’s not like you win because you got there first. Could you imagine Mackenzie, in about twelve or fifteen years, walking in on her son making out with his girlfriend?

Mackenzie: “What are you doing, Kale?”
Kale: “MOM, GET OUT!”
Mackenzie: “But — but, I kissed you first! Why are you kissing other girls?!”

In fact, if Mackenzie were on any other reality show, she’d probably say:

The Voice: “Why did you vote for that other person who sings really well?”
A Shot At Love 2 With Tila Tequila: “Why are you kissing other girls…and boys?”
Keeping Up With The Kardashians: “Why do you keep getting naked for other people on the internet?”
Survivor: “When do we go inside?”

The next one-on-one date was with Whitney at a winery, which on paper, sounds amazing. Unfortunately, it started off poorly, mainly because they were both wearing pink. In fact, Chris was a denim vest away from wearing the exact same outfit as Whitney. Embarrassing. Then Whitney decided to begin the day’s conversation with, “What are you looking for in a wife?” Personally, I would’ve begun the date with a “So, how was your day?” or “Seen any good movies lately?” but Whit just decided to jump right in. Then, when they began eating, Chris casually mentioned, “Oh, I think I ate one of your hairs.” Welp.

The two then decided to crash a wedding with a backstory that they were engaged, and frankly, Whitney was just a tad too polished at saying she was engaged to Chris Soules. It was almost like she had practiced it in front of the mirror once or twice or six dozen times before.

Don’t get me wrong, Whitney seems great. She’s very pretty and sweet, but she looks a little too much like that chick from Gone Girl, so I wouldn’t take any chances with her. However, Whitney ended up with a rose, which I guess is good for Chris, because if she didn’t, she’d probably fake her own death and frame it on him.

Fast-forward to the next day. In place of the weekly pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Chris and the gang held a pre-rose ceremony pool party. Who doesn’t love a good pool party? Pool parties are amazing! We know Megan does, based on the fact that she’s constantly carrying two floatation devices around under her shirt. Plus, we know ABC loves a good pool party, because it gives them another excuse to show Chris without a shirt on.

Shortly after the pool party started, Jade grabbed Chris and told him that all of the girls were curious about what his place looks like. So Chris was like, “Well, let’s go on a tour and make out on my bed!” So they did. Jillian saw Jade and Chris walk away, so she followed closely behind (emphasis on behind, because her butt was censored again). She figured it would be a good idea to wait in the hot tub until they came out. Given that it’s Jillian, I was kind of surprised she didn’t start swimming laps or doing water aerobics. Eventually, Jade and Chris walked out of his apartment only to see Jillian sitting there in the hot tub all alone, as if she was Chris’s mom, waiting for him as he walks in twenty minutes past his curfew.

Jillian then hogged Chris for a long time. Long enough to make Ashley I. extremely upset, so probably, like, six minutes or something. Ashley I. just wanted some time with Chris, so she got really frustrated and began crying, but then she started laughing, but then she started crying again, and then somehow she started crying and laughing at the same time. It was at that moment when I wondered exactly why she’s never had a boyfriend before. If Ashley I. really wanted to get rid of Jillian, she should’ve just told her there was a CrossFit competition going on inside. She would’ve been gone faster than you could say “dead-lift.” Chris somehow calmed Ashley I. down and the two of them begin making out, because that’s how they end scenes on this show.