A Recap of The Bachelor From A Guy – Season Premiere
The following reveals spoilers for the season premiere. You’ve been warned.
This season on The Bachelor, Peter the Pilot is looking for his co-pilot. How do I know? Because that line was said no less 309 times in a 3 hour episode. And yes, you read that right. Three freaking hours. Is this a reality dating show or did Martin Scorsese make another Netflix movie, amirite?! I hope you bought your Yellow Tail at Costco this week, because you needed a pallet full of wine to get you through the entire first episode.
Also, I should note there are 30 women now. THIRTY! Pretty soon The Bachelor is going to be bigger than the field in the NCAA Tournament. March Madness will be soon dwarfed by Bach Sadness.
Obviously there was a plethora of plane and pilot puns in this episode, and I’m afraid these puns are more Star Wars than fidget spinners in the sense that they’re not going away any time soon. So instead of rolling my eyes and fighting it, I decided to just roll with it and accept it. I tagged any of my puns with (PP) for “plane pun” so you don’t miss them. Let’s carry on (PP).
If you didn’t watch the most recent season of The Bachelorette, allow me to fill you in on Peter the Pilot. First, he’s a dentist. No, that’s a joke. Believe it or not, he actually is a pilot. It’s not just a clever name. In fact, the only person more known for what they do is Larry The Cable Guy… and he’s a comedian.
Peter the Pilot became popular during Hannah B.’s run as The Bachelorette when the two of them made out in a Latvian sauna, made out on a pool table after he banged her head on a light fixture, made love in a windmill, made love in a windmill, made love in a windmill, and made love in a windmill. That’s not a euphemism, either. They literally bumped uglies inside a windmill. Four times. And in case you forgot about that, ABC was sure to remind you in their marketing for this season, in their introductions for this season, and soon to be in your sleep this season.
Introductions
Before we get to the introductions, I should warn you that ABC was cruel this year when it came to the women they casted for the show. It’s hard enough to keep track of all these girls names, but this season, producers made it especially difficult by giving us multiple girls from Knoxville, multiple girls with Auburn ties, multiple girls from Texas, multiple girls who are flight attendants, and enough Victoria’s to fill the Rose Bowl (pun intended, but point remains). Just for reference: more than one Victoria is too many Victoria’s.
That might actually be the thing that gets my first impression rose this season: the names.
Outside of the way-too-many Victoria’s, there was a Maurissa, a Deandra, and a Eunice! Are these girls Bachelor contestants or the ladies my nana puzzles with at her nursing home? Hell, there was even a Tammy. I can honestly tell you that I’ve never met a Tammy who wasn’t friends with my mom.
Did we check birth certificates, ABC? Not just to make sure these are their real names, but to make sure they weren’t born in the Prohibition era.
As for the intros themselves, I’ll be real. Most of the time I don’t start my recaps until episode two, because of my disdain for the intros. They’re so cringy. Especially when you consider each girl thinks they’re being so cute and completely original, even though many of them end up making the same jokes. These intros have gotten so outlandish, you actually stand out if you don’t say a one-liner, or show up with a prop or in a damn Samsonite suitcase.
This year was nutso.
- Madison arrived in a large paper airplane.
- Tammy went TSA and inspected Peter with a metal detector.
- although she didn’t make him take his belt off which makes me think Peter has TSA Pre-Check.
- Shiann gave him a barf bag.
- nothing like getting a guy to think about vomit for your meet-cute. now Shiann is synonymous to blowing chunks for him.
- Courtney rode in on a little tricycle airplane.
- Deandra walked in with a windmill strapped to her back looking like some sort of low rent Rocketeer.
- also, what exactly was the plan here? “On my first impression, I want him to think about the last time (or four) he fornicated with his ex-girlfriend.” Yeah, good plan, Deandra.
One girl showed up with a cow. A freaking cow! She called it her “emotional support cow.” I call it “crazy.” If I was The Bachelor, I would’ve walked off set in that moment. “That’s it. I’m out. I’m going to 90 Day Fiance!” Imagine her winning, and she and Peter explaining to their kids that mommy met daddy by making an extremely timely emotional support animal joke with a 1,600-pound bovine on a leash.
Real talk: a preview for that new Harley Quinn movie came on during the introductions, and I swear Margot Robbie was somehow less crazy than all of these women.
Even Hannah B. showed up. To compete in the show?!?! Nope. Just with a box of Peter’s old stuff to give back to him. Not really the time or place, in my opinion, but I guess that was the only place she knew he would be at that time. Although I doubt she gave Peter his old hoodie back. Girls never give ex’s their old hoodies back.
If you ever get picked to be on The Bachelor, don’t come with some skit prepared for your first impression. Just wing it (PP).
Hannah Ann
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It’s time we have the Hannah Ann talk. I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I have an uncanny ability to determine which girl will make it to hometown dates from the very first episode. This season, my pick right away was Hannah Ann. She’s beautiful, sweet, and she didn’t come in riding a unicycle or wearing a panda costume or anything like that. It was as good of a first impression as I can remember on this show.
She even doubled down with an awesome time spent with him during the cocktail party. She told him how important family was to her, gave him a pretty bad painting of the Smokey Mountains, and capped it all with a kiss. Hubba freaking hubba.
…but then the rest of the night happened.
She got greedy, and no one likes anyone who gets greedy on this show. In the words of the great Kenny Rodgers, “You have to know when to hold ’em, and when to fold ’em.”
I know this turned a lot of people off to Hannah Ann, including myself. However, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because in the words of the great Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain, you can “blame it on the a a a a a alcohol.”
I do still think she makes it to hometown dates, but I don’t think she’ll get there without a little turbulence (PP).
Rose Cermony
So the question everyone wants to know: who makes it out of night one with a rose?
- Victoria P. – cute blonde
- Madison – Auburn girl, early betting favorite
- Kelley – Chicago girl he already knew (more on her to come)
- Lexi – petite blue dress
- Savannah – they’re going faster
- Lauren – cute black jump suit
- Tammy – they’re going too fast for me to take notes
Then they started going faster with the names. Which I can’t blame them. I mean, they only have three hours to get them all in. Just know that I did my best to get everyone’s name in as I heard it. Forgive me for any typos or misheard names.
- Victoria
- Maleya?
- Jasmine
- Victoria
- Victoria
- Sydney
- Natasha
- McKenna?
- Deandra
- Sarah
- Victoria
- Steve? Was there a Steve in there?
- Alexa
- Kelsey
- Kiara
- Victoria
- Courtney
- Shiann
Then with one rose left on the table, you’ll never guess what happened next.
Chris Harrison came out and informed us that it was final rose of the evening. We don’t deserve you, Chris Harrison.
The music gets more intense, the camera slowly zooms in on the faces of the girls without roses, and Peter the Pilot subtly says…
- Victoria F.
And that’s it. The girls sent home were Avonlea, Eunice, Jade, Jenna, Katrina, Kylie, Maurissa, Megan, and like six more Victoria’s.
First Group Date Card
“Look up.” -Peter
One girl literally asked, “What does that mean?”
*record scratch*
Are you serious right now? The entire season is all about him being a damn pilot. What else COULD it mean?
Let me ask you a question: do you like going to work with your husband, boyfriend, or significant other? That was a rhetorical question, because I already know the answer is no. Well, that’s exactly what Peter did for his first group date. Probably because it had been a whole 15 seconds of show time since anyone mentioned that Peter is, in fact, a pilot.
And when I say he took them to his work, it wasn’t like “hey I gotta swing by the office real quick.” I’m talking he took them to his work and made them run full speed into a giant ass Ritter wind machine.
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But first, the girls took a flight school led by Katie Cook (the first female Blue Angels pilot – pretty bad ass) and Alicia Johnson (C-130 pilot for the Marines – also bad ass), where we learned none of the girls know how many feet in a mile. Then they were taken to one of those spinny thingys (actual name, I looked it up), strapped in, and tried to make sick.
Then they went to an obstacle course on the tarmac, where Kelley had no time for this ish.
So Kelley obviously won the date. Yes, by cheating, but there’s nothing they can nor will do about it, officially making her the New England Patriots of this season.
Kelley also, like the New England Patriots, did her scouting ahead of time. She actually met Peter the Pilot a month or so prior to coming on the show. So she already had an advantage coming in. They were like old high school sweethearts… if their high school was a hotel lobby.
As you might imagine, the girls in the house took it in stride and didn’t mind at all. SIKE! They were pissed!
All in all, this date was less about what actually goes into being a pilot and more about what a 6-year-old thinks goes into being a pilot.
First One-On-One Date Card
“I want to show you what forever looks like.” -Peter
The first group date card of the season went to Madison, who’s dad is apparently an assistant under Auburn basketball coach Bruce Pearl.
Madison was chosen for the first one-on-one date, which was just a chance to watch Peter’s parents renew their vows, which I can’t tell if it’s the best first date or the worst. I’m leaning towards the worst considering Peter was officiating the vow renewal, and Madison was forced to sit alone with the rest of the family, right in between Aunt Hellen and cousin Gina (I assume).
I do feel like her parents thought it was a bit too soon, though.
Then came a romantic dinner set underneath a tree that still had it’s Christmas lights up. C’mon, people. It’s January 6th! What the hell?!
Then after he gave Madison the rose, blah blah blah, he whisked her away for a private concert from……….. Tenille Arts??
So I said it was a private concert, but maybe it was just an actual Tenille Arts concert and those were the only people who knew who Tenille Arts is.
Personally, I’m familiar with Tenille Arts, but only because she had been on previous seasons of The Bachelor. Yes, I said seasons, plural. This was her third appearance on this show. Apparently she has a residency. She’s appeared on this show so much, she’s become known as the Hannah B. of no-name country singers.
Second Group Date Card
“I hope this isn’t awkward.”
I will admit, three hours is a lot of woo’ing girls. So by this point in the night, I was starting to lose focus.
But I quickly perked up as soon as I saw Hannah B. back on my TV screen… again.
Shaaaaawwwwwwwwcker.
By this point in the night, you can assume any girl on this show not named Victoria is just Hanna B. making another return to the show. I mean, goodness. Nick Viall thinks Hannah B. makes too many cameos on this show.
But alas here she was to talk more about how her and Peter had intercourse in a windmill. How many times, Kobe?
We shouldn’t be shocked by this. The date card gave us a warning that it would be awkward. After explaining to the girls that they were going to be talking about sex in front of a live studio audience as part of the group date.
Before we move on… who are the people in this “live studio audience” and how and why do they get tickets for something like this. You just casually browsing Ticketmaster and come across tickets for a show of a bunch of women talking about their sexual experiences and fantasies and that perks your interest enough to purchase a seat?
After addressing the girls in her Ted Talk about windmill sex, Hannah B. was seen extremely emotional over her feelings for Peter. Hannah B. crying? I know, shaaaaawwwwwcker. But I get it. She probably carries a huge sense of regret with her. Keep in mind, this is the same girl who chose Jed over Tyler C. The same girl who chose a failed country singer over a human adonis. That’d be like picking Tenille Arts over Carrie Underwood.
After a while, Peter the Pilot landed (PP) right next to her to give her support, but somehow that ended up with an across-the-room argument about why they didn’t end up together.
It was awkward, alright, just like the date card said. Although, I will say, this was the closest thing we got to an actual relationship fight/conversation/whatever you want to call it that we’ve ever had on this show. I liked it.
The show ended with “To be continued…” which is helpful, because I wasn’t sure if it would be continued or not.
At least this season won’t get On The Wings of Love stuck in our heads again.
Until next week… Buh-bye (PP).
