A Recap of The Bachelor From A Guy – Episode 5
The NFL season officially came to an end yesterday with the Super Bowl, and if you needed any more proof of that, ABC rolled out a THREE-HOUR episode (or a “THREE-HOUR TOUR” if you consider the ship wreck on a tropical area we had at the end of this episode). Personally, I hate when ABC does this, especially on the first night of the NFL offseason. They act like I don’t have anything else better to do than to watch an extra hour of this show. I mean I don’t, but that’s besides the point.
This week’s episode picked up where last week’s left off: with every woman still seething at the thought of Alayah. In case you need a refresher, it’s simple: Alayah wasn’t given a rose, but then she came back and was given a rose, but then Peter – in this episode – told her that having her there was too much so he sent her home even though she was already given a rose, which I think makes her the first person to be given a rose and be sent home in the same cycle. So not sure if that rose goes to waste or what, but Alayah was sent home.
The NBA’s new All-Star Game scoring system thinks this show is confusing.
First Rose Ceremony
Yeah, that’s right. FIRST Rose Ceremony. As in we got two rose ceremonies this week, meaning we get twice the shots of Mykenna’s painful expressions every time a name is called that isn’t hers. If you’ve kept up with these recaps then you know I’m a Mykenna supporter. I call her MYkenna. But even I have to admit that she looks like she’s watching someone step on a puppy every time someone else gets a rose.
- Madison – obviously
- Sydney
- Natasha
- Lexi
- Hannah Ann
- Shiann
- Mykenna – you breathe now, girl
- Victoria P.
- Kelley
Then Chris Harrison, making his first appearance in Cleveland (shocker!), walked out to tell us this was the final rose of the evening, which told me one of two things:
- this was an inaccurate claim by Chris Harrison
- in a shocking twist, the second rose ceremony of the night would feature no roses at all
Which, with the way Peter has been acting this season, I wouldn’t put #2 out of the question just yet.
Regardless, there was one final rose for this specific rose ceremony, and it went to…
- Tammy
Good ol’ Tam Tam survived, which I was happy to see at the time, but as this episode goes on, you’ll see that my Tam Tam tune will change. That’s what we call a Tam Tam tease.
Once all the losers left, Peter gathered the rest of the women around and said, “I think it’s time to take it international,” and all the women let out a high pitched shriek. Not because they were excited to use their passports for this season, but because they were finally getting out of Cleveland. Don’t get me wrong, Cleveland has a lot to offer like pierogi’s and your amusement park concerts by your ex, but these girls were ready for Costa Rica, which also is nice, but Peter could’ve told them they were going to Trenton, New Jersey and they would’ve shrieked the same.
Costa Rica
Before we begin our time in the Central American country of Costa Rica, I have to ask, is ABC trying to pinch pennies this year? Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Costa Rica is beautiful, but I’m hesitant to think of anywhere Southwest flies to as “exotic.” Then again the DMV could be considered “exotic” if you go there after spending a week in Cleveland.
I love whenever the show goes to a new location, because for the next five minutes we’re given a montage of shots of the beautiful scenery, shots of the fancy hotel in which the women will be staying, and shots of the women “woo!”-ing and yelling the name of the place they’re in. In this case, it was “COSTA RICAAAAAA! Woooo!” Although, with that said, I don’t remember them doing that in Cleveland. It was sorta just like that clip from Wayne’s World. “Hi, we’re in Cleveland.”
Shortly after arriving to Costa Rica, Peter comes walking up to the women, who were conveniently convened in front of the hotel, and instantly you could tell something was different. Well, two things if you consider the fact ABC didn’t have him wear a pilot costume or some other garb to remind once again what he does for a living. As he walked up, you noticed a massive bandage on his forehead.
Since these women are shallow enough to only appreciate appearance, they noticed right away.
Peter begins to tell the story of how he got it even though, technically, I don’t think anyone really asked. He dives head first (sorry) into a story about how he was hiking a trail to a volcano when, out of nowhere, he came across a puma. Right. Because if ABC is sending their show to Southwest destinations, I doubt they’re using the money they saved on insurance, to allow their Bachelor to go on hikes in Costa Rican jungles. Not a chance. So then Peter the Pilot comes clean and says he banged his head on a golf cart and then a beer glass, which shattered, causing him to get 22 stitches.
Look, my man does planes, not golf carts, ok?!
After story time, Peter then asked Sydney to join him on a one-on-one date. She said no.
No I’m kidding.
First One-on-One Date
Sydney and Peter fly away (shocker) in a helicopter tour of Costa Rica, which I’m sure was absolutely breathtaking to see the tops of trees for two hours. Don’t get me wrong, they did see the occasional water fall every now and then. I know because they would freak out as if they just saw a unicorn (aka a woman in the house without makeup on).
They somehow managed to find the only open field in Costa Rica for a picnic. The two of them laid on a blanket and shared their heritages with each other, which was exciting for Sydney since she could’ve literally said any race and I would’ve believed her. She said her mom is white and her dad is African and Dominican.
Obviously, it wasn’t as exciting for Peter, “My family’s German.”
And since talk of your family’s heritage is so damn hot, they started making out immediately after. Peter told Sydney she’s the best kisser in the house. Which I’m sure made Mykenna wince with a puppy-stomping face out of instinct, even though she was all the way back at the hotel.
That night at dinner, Sydney talked about her sob-story past which included her parents divorce (sad) at a young age and the challenge of being a mixed-race teen in Alabama (lets dive more into this).
Sydney said, “Girls would call me, like, Oreo Girl… they would vandalize our home and write, like, awful things on our pavement.” Then she said she would eat her lunch, like, literally in a bathroom stall her entire senior year as if she was Cady Herron or something. That is truly depressing and sad. If it were true. Because if you peel back the curtain on this show, which the Internet gladly did for us, there were multiple people from her high school who simply called B.S. on that part of the story.
Plus, Alabama is the 5th most obese state in the country. Calling Sydney a Oreo Girl is probably one of the highest compliments they could give.
Peter gave her the rose, which I’m sure reminded Sydney of her actual high school experience, and the two of them ventured off to a hot tub for the hottest make-our session Peter’s had since that Latvian sauna with Hannah B.
The Start of Tammy v. Kelsey
If you’ve stayed up to date on these recaps, then you know of my appreciation for Tammy. I felt like she’s a down-to-earth woman, who makes incredible facial expressions and competed on her high school’s varsity wrestling team, which I have no idea we’ve yet to dig deeper into that origin story. Then again I guess we kinda do in Royal Rumble she gets into with the rest of the house.
While Sydney and Peter are off filming hot tub scenes for what seemed like HBO’s Real Sex: Costa Rica, Kelsey was back at the hotel balling her eyes out while Tammy comforted her. “I’m very, very sad,” Kelsey moaned while gripping a glass of wine like it was a stress ball. Kelsey explained how she did not like seeing Peter with other women. That’s when Tammy gently says, “Yes, it’s not a very easy sight to see, but it is what we signed up for.” Again, that’s why I loved Tammy. She gets it.
Then Kelsey got scared Peter was going to pick Sydney. “You mean Oreo Girl?” Tammy asked. “Do you not like her?”
Then Kelsey proceeded to give one of the best answers of all time.
“I like Sydney a lot — I think she’s cool… but, she’s a dramatic f***ing bitch.”
Tammy walks away from this conversation the same way Walter White walked away from his first drug deal, as if it was the beginning of the end. Tam Tam’s frustration was taking over her. She told the cameras, “Kelsey is a hot mess! She’s been crying for weeks! She cried over a champagne bottle for four days. I don’t think when my grandpa died, I cried for that long.”
Rest in peace, Tam Tam’s grandpa.
And this is the moment Tammy fell from mine and the audience’s graces…
When will women learn to just stay in their lane and not bring up other women in their time with the Bachelor?
Group Date
“Let’s capture our love today.”
The women meet Peter at a Costa Rican water fall (probably one that Peter and Sydney freaked out over from their helicopter), where they were also met by Jess, the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan (who got a very large cheer from the women), and Tyler, the photographer (who did not get as big of a cheer from the women).
Jess explained that they were going to have a bathing suit photoshoot, and whomever she (read: ABC producers) deemed the best model would get to be on the cover of a future magazine with Peter, and since most of these girls are in their early twenties, they asked, “Ummm… what’s a magazine?”
The women posed in photos, and real talk: they were stunning… even with that plant growing out of Natasha’s head.
Victoria F. ended up winning the Cosmopolitan cover with Peter, presumably because she has the largest bust, and like clockwork, Cosmo dropped a statement during the episode saying why they weren’t going to run the cover. Classic.
Also, during the photoshoot, I noticed that instead of the black censor boxes ABC typically uses when a women may be showing a little too much butt cheek for primetime network television, ABC has opted for a new camouflaged censor that doesn’t block out the thongs, but rather extends them to cover more skin. It’s essentially digital body paint, and the technology is not all that great, so it looks extremely awkward. But that’s what I’m here for. To point out camouflaged bikini censor tactics by the American Broadcasting Company.
At the post-group date cocktail party, Peter took turns making out with every single woman until Kelsey had her one-on-one time. She told Peter, “This is really hard for me because I’m taking it really seriously… I am falling in love with you. I am.”
Boom. Pretty sure Kelsey is the first one to play the L-word card this season. For those of you unfamiliar with this show, contestants–errr, prospective companions only use the l-o-v-e word outside of the last three episodes when they’re utterly desperate, or in Luke P.’s case (from Hannah B.’s season), you drop in in the first episode because why not? The L-word is usually reserved as the emergency rip cord on a parachute that won’t open (plane pun). Peter then made-out with Kelsey.
While Kels was alone with Peter, the women were all talking about her, which I’m pretty sure is the only thing women do – talk about other women who are not currently around. Victoria F. told everyone, “She also said last night that she’s the realest bitch here and everyone else was fake.” This made Tammy mad, since she was the one who had to listen to and console wine-gripping Kelsey the other night. So Tammy decided to spill the tea to Peter. She told him that Kelsey had a mental breakdown and was drinking a lot. Like a lot a lot. This wasn’t much a surprise to Peter who already knows Kelsey is a bigger head case than his 22 stitches.
Given his track record this season, you probably assume Peter handled this situation gracefully and without stirring any more drama, but guess what? He didn’t.
He then pulls Kels aside for a second time and asks her about her alcoholism and mental issues. Kelsey cries and Peter appears to only halfway-believe her. A while later, Kelsey returns to the other women and to put it lightly, she… was… pissed.
Kelsey confronts the girls and asks who told Peter that she was “emotionally unstable.” No one speaks up and Tammy’s sitting there like…
Kelsey announces that she’s the only woman there who isn’t hiding her emotions. The girls all refute that it’s been hard for all of them, with Tammy (the wrestler) adding the finishing pile-driver: “I don’t need to drink myself to death and cry about it for a whole day.”
Peter later returns and gives the group date rose to Hannah Ann.
Second One-on-One Date
The second one-on-one date went to Kelley, who is without question the realest of the reals. In fact, she might be the most down-to-earth girl on this show. She always looks like she doesn’t want to be there, but that’s only because she doesn’t want to be there. She’s not about the charade, she’s just about the man. If I’m ever in legal trouble, I’m definitely getting Kelley to represent me in a court of law.
Admittedly, this one-on-one date was pretty lame and boring (aside from a lizard sighting), as they should be for a girl who’s down to earth. Think about it. Real dates are boring. And this one felt as boring as a real date. Which should tell you what you get with Kelley is what you will get when they fly Southwest home and the cameras are pulled away.
They went into a hut deep in the jungle to meet a couple of Costa Ricans (one of which with an epic nose ring) who only spoke Spanish. Peter and Kelley nodded along as if they spoke Spanish too. They lit some candles and stuff and then the nose ring lady blindfolded Kelley so Peter could talk her through a rock maze. Like I said, boring AF.
That night at dinner, Peter expressed his frustration that Kelley wasn’t acting like the other girls. Uhh, yeah, Pete. That’s because SHE’S REAL. What you get is what you see. What you tryin’ to do to me? You want to say you’re mine, be with me all the time…….. Sorry. I’ve been listening to a lot of J-Lo ever since the Super Bowl halftime show.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kelsey and Tammy tried to talk things out, and it went about as well as Kelsey and Hannah Ann trying to talk things out. The common denominator here: Kelsey. Tammy tells her that she has a drinking problem, and Kelsey says, “I don’t have a drinking problem,” before thinking about it for a second, and then adding, “I don’t have that big of a drinking problem.”
Cut back to Peter and Kelley having dinner in the middle of a rainforest, and guess what, it was raining. Not like Rainforest Cafe “oh neat, it’s raining on the perimeter of the restaurant” type of rain. I’m talking The Notebook “I wrote you every day for a year!” type of rain. Luckily they were covered for their meal. Peter questioned Kelley’s commitment, and like the brilliant attorney she is, she flips it back on him and questioned whether he’s ready to settle down and asked why he continuously “rewards the drama.” Then she pulled out arguably *Chris Harrison voice* the greatest line in Bachelor history.
So Peter “cut it in the butt” and gave her the rose, which I feel like the more apt description for that action would be “nipped it in the bud.” Their date ended with a hot tub make-out sesh too. I’m starting to sense a theme.
Kels Goes Stealth
On the morning of the rose ceremony, all the women are talking about Kelsey behind her back, and I mean that literally since she was literally walking away from the hotel to walk to Peter’s Air BnB where he was conveniently sitting by the pool, dipping his toes in the water, and enjoying his view of a volcano as if he was waiting for someone to show up.
They talk about how this hard for Kelsey and she didn’t want him to have any doubt in her falling in love with him. Peter said he was confident in the two of them. All is well, right? Nope! Kels had to drop a Tam Tam bomb before she left… which now that I type that out, it makes it sound like she dropped a duece before she left Peter’s crib. For as funny as that would’ve been, no, that did not happen. She dropped a Tam Tam bomb in the sense that she told on her and how she’s spreading rumors that she’s an alcoholic and a pill-popper. To which Kelsey added, “I am NOT a pill-popper!”
Peter walks away for a bit, comes back, and pulls some weird David Blaine crap by pulling a rose out of the sofa cushion. He gives it to Kelsey, and immediately upon receiving it she asks, “But what will the other girls think?” which is something you’d expect someone who is genuine and there for the right reasons to say the moment after receiving a rose to say. Kels knew she was screwed and would have to explain how she got a rose out of nowhere.
When Kels returned holding a rose, the other women were understandably as pissed as Kelsey was earlier in the night.
Cocktail Party
Chris Harrison shows up right away to tell the girls there will be no cocktail party this evening and we will be going straight to the rose ceremony.
Welp.
Rose Ceremony
Well, Chris Harrison wasn’t entirely truthful because the show still needed to fill a half hour of this three-hour episode. So the women, who were understandably upset started accusing Kelsey for the reason the cocktail party was canceled, and Kels was like, “Hey listen, you know I would never turn down the opportunity for free cocktails!”
Kelsey then accuses Tammy of telling Peter she drinks a lot and pops pills. Tammy refutes that she said anything about popping pills, to which Lexi speaks up and says actually you did, Tam Tam. This is where things fly off the rails, and the entire house somehow turns against Tamsters. Oreo Girl jumps in and starts piling on Tammy for bringing up other girls in her time with Peter, to which Tammy said Sydney did first by bringing up Alayah to him.
Judges? Yes, we will accept that answer.
Oreo Girl said that Peter brought up Alayah first and the two girls share a couple of BLEEP YOU!’s back and forth, with Tammy standing up and pointing in Oreo Girl’s face at one point. But in Tammy’s defense, you’d probably act the same way if you were named after one of your mom’s bunco friends.
Ok, now The Rose Ceremony
These are the girls who received roses tonight…
“Peter, I’m sorry — before we begin, can I talk to you?” Tammy asks.
Oh for Pete’s sake! (pun only halfway intended)
Tammy pulls Peter away to tell him that she would never come from a malicious place when bringing up other girls. While Tammy is having one-on-one time with Peter, then Mykenna makes a break for it and b-lines straight to Peter. “Can I steal him for a second?” And suddenly the canceled Cocktail Party is back on!
The other girls are pissed, and surprisingly after Canadian Mykenna’s return she didn’t say “sorey.”
Ok, for real this time The Rose Ceremony
I’m just gonna list them… this episode has been long enough.
- Victoria F.
- Madison
- Natasha
- Victoria P. – because we can’t just have ONE Victoria
- Mykenna
And in case you were wondering how many roses were left, Chris Harrison came back out. And he actually meant it this time. This was, indeed, the final rose of the entire evening.
- Tammy – oh snap!
Shiann was one of the girls who was killed off this week, and with her last dying breath, she was able to muster up enough strength to warn Peter that some of the girls are not who you are seeing on the surface.
Not sure if she was referring to Kelsey, Tammy, or Oreo Girl and the multiple superlatives she won in high school.
Questions of the Week
Each week, I’ll answer some questions about that week’s episode.
Who Won The Night?
Mykenna’s Tongue
Man, that thing had more screen time than Alayah had last week. I know ABC and Star Wars are both owned by Disney, but the Jabba the Hutt tongue work seemed a bit excessive.
Although, I will give Mykenna credit… I loved her cameo during the Super Bowl halftime.
Who gets my rose this week?
Kelley
This girl is so real and so self-aware. Almost as if she’s too intelligent for this show. I hope he keeps her around solely for the sake that she challenges him and pushes back, which Peter desperately needs.
Did Hannah B. show up in this episode?
No.
But I did reference her quite a bit in this week’s recap. Wait a minute, am I in love with Hannah B.?!
What is your prediction for next week based on the trailer?
Does it matter? There’s a new episode in two days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go clear my schedule for ABC.
Until next LATER THIS week… Buh-bye (PP).
