A Recap of The Bachelor From A Guy – Episode 3
This week’s episode started off the way most of my high school dates ended, with girls crying.
We’ve been bluntly welcomed back into the heart of hashtag Champagnegate, or as Hannah Ann calls it, the champagne FINASCO. A controversy no one wanted, and really, no one knows how it’s even a controversy. Hannah Ann and Kelsey finally sat down to talk and resolved absolutely nothing while cry-fighting. It went about as well as Hannah Ann’s pronunciation of the word fiasco.
First One-on-One Date
The date starts with Peter and Victoria P., the 27-year-old nurse from Alexandria, Louisiana, driving in an old pick-up truck with bench seating, which is smart. There’s no middle console for Victoria P. to go shuffling through to find Peter’s condoms.
The two of them drove to a boot store where they line danced and knocked boots. That’s not a euphemism, either. They literally knocked boots while dancing. Then they walked into a room where everyone was line dancing to a live band with a lead singer who looked way too much like Pauly Shore. And the more I think about it… it very well could’ve been Pauly Shore.
Then later they had a romantic dinner on top of a beautiful mountainside. No, I’m kidding, they were in another damn airplane hangar, because in case you were unaware, Peter is a pilot.
Victoria P. opens up about her rough past, and while she finishes crying, Peter picks up the rose and says, “I have never been inspired by someone so much in my entire life.” Keep in mind, he’s known this girl for like three days. So maybe he was just caught up in the moment, surrounded by his favorite aphrodisiacs, candles and airplanes, and started just talking out his ass, right? Then he immediately added, “And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.”
Peter then took Vikki P. into a two-seater plane… but they only used one seat, if you catch my drift. Which, not to be a buzz kill, but I’m pretty sure is an F.A.A. violation.
Cut back to the house, with a dramatic shift in the music, and all of a sudden, we get our first look at Alayah, the 24-year-old orthodontist assistant from San Antonio. She’s talking to the other girls about how she does pageants and how people think she’s prim and proper, but really she has a wild side to her. She said she can turn it on when she needs to. This seems promising.
This doesn’t sit well with Sydney, who, in her confessional interview, calls Alayah fake. Hold up. You mean to tell me that a girl who does pageants and works at a place that cosmetically fixes messed-up teeth is fake? What are you going to tell me next? She’s there for the wrong reasons?
Group Date
“I love surprises. I hope you do too.”
Since Hannah B. was off filming Dancing With The Stars, ABC needed to bring someone back. And that someone was Demi. Now, I’d like you read this next sentence in the most sarcastic tone imaginable: Oh, great. Demi is back. Yay.
To me, Demi is like ABC’s The Good Doctor. It doesn’t matter how many times you bring it up during The Bachelor, I’m not going to like it.
Demi stormed into the mansion alongside some large women to wake up the girls by slamming them in the face with pillows. One of the women’s name was Killer and the other was Champagne, which makes me wonder if Kelsey packed this Champagne in her suitcase too. Better stay away from her just in case, Hannah Ann.
The group date girls walk into a bar where a boxing ring is set up with Killer and Champagne smacking each other in the face’s with pillows. There’s also somehow a crowd? A bunch of girls standing around the outside perimeter with pillows as signs that read things like, “Eat sheet!,” “Smackdown!,” and “Kill Kill Kill.” Oddly enough, however, the crowd holding pillows with extremely threatening phrases on them wasn’t even the most questionable part of the date. It was this demonic old lady slicing the neck of a teddy bear.
ABC un-creatively called this date Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club, and unfortunately, the first rule of Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club isn’t “Don’t talk about Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club.”
Basically the date was exactly how it sounds. A bunch of pillow fights. Last week at this time I was watching LSU and Clemson go at it in the college football national championship, and this week, a bunch of girls in network television-friendly lingerie pillow fighting in a saloon.
Predictably, ABC wheeled Fred Willard out of his nursing home for another appearance on this show. They accidentally introduced him as “Hollywood icon and pillow fighting legend,” when I think they meant to say “hostage.”
I’m not exactly sure why ABC feels the need to commentate these dates making them even cheesier than they already are. Fred Willard just kinda sat there while Chris Harrison gave us ‘hilarious’ lines like:
- Are you ready to slumber?
- We have had a pillow explosion!
- It looks like Sarah The Sleepwalker is being sent back to bed.
I love Chris Harrison, but he’s more Booger McFarland than Howard Cosell.
During the date, we learned Tammy was on her varsity wrestling team in high school, which I feel like ABC just kind of brushed over. I’m sorry, what??
At the end of the round robin, Demi called for one last fight between girls she “saw the most fight out of,” or a.k.a. the girls “ABC producers wanted to milk more drama out of.” The girls she chose were predictably Alayah and Sydney.
Alayah won the pillow fight, so she was gifted a cheap plastic tiara from Party City and the opportunity have alone time with Peter first. Not sure which is more valuable. Alayah is one of those girls who puts on a face when she needs to. How do I know? Because she bragged about it at the top of the show, but also because when she flirts or gives interviews, her voices raises like ten octaves higher than it normally is. Oh, and she’s also one of those girls who says, “Hey you!” whenever she sees Peter. These are major red flags for anyone.
After she does her Alvin and The Chipmunks impression for Peter, Alayah rejoins the other girls where Sydney is waiting to drop the line of the night. After a brief lull in the conversation, Sydney just downright asks…
“Do you like… work at all?”
I fainted.
If there’s a Mount Rushmore for moments on The Bachelor, this moment is getting chiseled into it, right alongside Ashley I. getting left in the desert after her two-on-one date, Tiara and her “sparkle,” and every time Chris Harrison says “coming up” before commercial breaks.
She just down and out asked, “Do you like work at all?” I’m still laughing as I type this. Alayah defended herself by claiming she actually has three jobs. Look, those orthodontists aren’t going to assistant themselves!
There’s a saying in professional football that says, “If you have two quarterbacks, then you actually have none.” I feel like that saying can be tailored to Bachelor contestants too. “If you have three jobs, then you actually have none.”
For as awesome as Sydney’s question was, I do have to put this out there. There are two types of girls on this show that I can’t stand. The girl who is fake and the girl who complains about other girls being fake. At what point will girls learn that they need to just stay in their lane when it comes to being on The Bachelor? The girl who wins is almost always the girl who steers clear of drama. So for as annoying as Alayah is, Sydney, to me, is no better. But she is hotter, so there’s that.
Peter also pulled aside Tammy, the high school wrestler, and told her she’s “so much fun” and he “loves her energy.” Which I’m not sure is something guys say to someone they’re physically and emotionally attracted to. Tammy then started whining saying, “You probably just think I’m a bro.” Why? Because you straight up tackled the other girl in a pillow fight? Because your name is one vowel removed from Tommy? Because you were on your freaking VARSITY WRESTLING TEAM?! No. No. Of course not. Peter quickly expelled that mindset by leaning in and whispering, “I don’t do this to the bros,” right before slipping Tammy some tongue. I’m not going to say it’s the most awkward thing said right before a kiss, especially since Cassie once asked Colton “Would your sister kiss you like that?” in the middle of one of their make-out sessions, but it’s very close.
Then Sydney had her turn with Peter and she pulled out the “this is tough for me because you’re attracted to girls who are complete opposites of me” line. Always a classic line for someone who will never make it to hometown dates. Then Sydney proceeded to tell Peter how Alayah is fake. So Peter returns to the group of women, and not to sound like Chris Harrison, but he proceeds to pull one of the most epic power moves in Bachelor history.
Instead of confronting the girls privately, he goes ahead and does it in front of EVERYONE, by asking Sydney what she thought was fake about Alayah. He didn’t just throw Sydney under the bus, he threw her under the airport shuttle (get it? because he’s a pilot). I love this move. Why have the girls come to you? Let them duke it out amongst everyone. I doubt other girls are going to go to him with their complaints now.
Then Sydney had to tell Alayah, to her FACE, why she thought she was fake, while Peter and the other girls sat there and mediated. So Alayah asked if anyone else felt that way. I’ll admit, I was expecting an “I’m Spartacus” moment.
But we did not. Literally no one agreed with Sydney. So Peter left.
Again, I loved this power move by Pete. He tossed a piece of meat into the lion’s den and let them go at it themselves. But then Alayah pulled Pete aside and strategically let the waterworks flow. This is chess, not checkers, people.
But then in a twist not even Christopher Nolan could’ve seen coming, Peter gives the group date rose to Sydney.
COCKTAIL PART–SIKE! POOL PARTY! (Kinda.)
Chris Harrison walks in and says there will be no cocktail party. Sad! But then says instead there will be a POOL PARTY! WOOOOO!!!
But it might as well had been an Alayah Party, because the entire afternoon revolved around her and the lacy black pants ABC producers clearly made her wear because her bikini bottoms were a thong.
Right away, Peter pulls Sydney aside, rose in hand, and apologize for going Frank Underwood and straight up pushing her in front of a speeding train. Syd says it’s cool and encourages to not take her word for it, but rather use the pool party for interrogating everyone else about Alayah’s character and whether or not she does actually have three jobs.
Cut to Alayah talking to other girls sayinf, “I don’t know where this is coming from. This is entirely out of left field.” Which, to her credit, it was. “No other girls spoke up and said I was fake.” Cut to a montage of almost every other girl in the house telling Peter that Alayah is fake. Classic.
Can’t imagine what Sydney was thinking while watching this back. What the hell? Where was this last night, jerks?!
So Alayah and Peter have a talk (again), and Alayah tells him that the other girls probably think she’s fake because she chooses to be happy. She tells him that she can’t fake feelings, she can’t fake emotions, and she’s a horrible liar. Speaking of lying, remember this is the girl who at the beginning of the episode said she can “turn it on” when she has to.
Alayah then returned to the girls and gave a toast, “Cheers to being real as [expletive].” Then she slammed the rest of her vodka soda like Pope-Eye slams spinach.
While Alayah slammed the rest of her vodka soda like Pop-Eye slams spinach, Peter sat down with Victoria P. who told him that SIKE! Alayah actually is fake. Apparently Alayah told her not to tell producers that they knew each other before the show, and she also told her that she’s looking forward to the opportunities that will come her way whether she wins the final rose or not. So Peter brings Alayah back and just flat out asks her.
That’s definitely the face of someone who is telling the truth.
This essentially ended the worst pool party ever. I mean, no one even got into the pool. Isn’t that the first rule of pool parties? Hell, Peter didn’t even take off his shirt, making him the first non-fat guy to leave his shirt on during the duration of a pool party.
The Rose Ceremony
It’s time to figure out who’s moving on…
- Kelsey
- Hannah Ann
- Natasha
- Lexi
- Madison
- Shiann
- Kelly
- Kiara
- Tammy
- Savannah
- Deandra
With two roses left, Peter walks off. Chris Harrison whispers, “What are you gonna do?” Peter said, “Is everything ok with Mykenna? Every time I look at her she’s making faces like she’s being tortured or auditioning for the next SAW movie.”
No, I’m kidding. He was debating whether or not to keep Alayah. Then he walks back out, with Chris Harrison following. Chris then takes one of the final two roses, and informs the girl with poor vision that this is now the final rose of the night.
- Mykenna
And it’s a good thing too, because I’m not sure what kind of face she would’ve made if she didn’t get a rose.
Peter was visibly shook when addressing the girls after the rose ceremony. I’m not sure if that’s because he just sent Alayah home or because next week they’re going to Cleveland.
Peter then talked to producers and immediately started second guessing his decision, making us believe that Alayah may not be returning to her three jobs any time soon.
Questions of the Week
Each week, I’ll answer some questions about that week’s episode.
Who Won The Night?
Whatever producer is responsible for inflating the floats for pool parties
Man, did he/she catch a break on that one. No one got into the pool, therefore there’s no reason for an inflatable swan or sea turtle.
Who gets my rose this week?
Sydney
I know I said earlier that I don’t like girls who complain about other girls being fake, but Sydney is hot, so she gets a pass for now.
Did Hannah B. show up in this episode?
No.
But she was referenced a couple times.
What is your prediction for next week based on the trailer?
Until next week… Buh-bye (PP).
