Tonight saw a battle of two front-runners going at it, with champagne being popped, and the pursuit of a ring… and that was just the LSU-Clemson National Championship. Episode 2 of The Bachelor had so much more…

The episode picked up where last week’s left off, with Rachel and Ross, I mean Hannah B. and Peter talking about their relationship. You know, the way anyone would talk about their relationship after consummating it four times in a windmill. She crawled into his lap, he caressed her back, and they had the most sensual staring contest I’ve ever seen.

Pete and Hannah B. decided it was best to break up (again) and move on (for the first time). They hugged and Hannah B. put on some ballet slippers or something because she had to get back to taping Dancing With The Stars. Peter walked out of the room looking extremely confused, which is always a good look for a pilot to have. He brought all the women downstairs, and told them he was calling off the group date, which is always a good thing for a Bachelor to say. Especially if said group date is just having the girls talk about sex in front of an audience. No pun intended, but been there, done that, Bachelor producers. In fact, I feel like we have this group date every season. Why not have them talk about something else in front of an audience? Maybe like the first time they saw an R rated movie, the first time they took their drivers test, or the first time they realized Dylan McDermott isn’t actually Durmot Mulroney.

Shortly after Peter did all the girls a favor by canceling that group date, the Bachelor quickly turned into the Roast of Peter Pilot. Girls were ripping into him behind his back. “What did he expect would happen bringing her back?” asked one girl. “Is he looking to live in the past or is he ready for a future with one of us?” asked another girl. “The only difference between Peter the Pilot and Sully Sullenberger is Sully lands his plane in rivers on purpose,” said comedian Jeff Ross. See? I wasn’t kidding when I said it really turned into a roast.

At the cocktail party, where the girls were drinking out of the most obnoxious chalices you’ve seen since Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, one girl in particular was not having it. Natasha, the 31-year-old event planner from New York, ripped into Peter both behind his back and to his face. It’s a bold strategy. Most of the time, people will wait until after they’ve been dating someone for a few years or even married before they start chewing them out. Not Natasha. She decided to try it on the first date. A first date where her boyfriend is literally on 24 other dates simultaneously. Peter apologized profusely, and it’s a good thing too. How dare he be hung up on a girl he spent hours with sensually rubbing in a Latvian sauna no more than a year ago that ABC keeps strutting in his face on national television!

Mykenna asked Peter about dancing, but Peter must’ve thought she asked him to show her his best Kevin James in Hitch impression because he started flailing his arms and doing a weird “air walk” thing. And yet, Mykenna still felt like kissing him. She probably felt sorry for him for being so confident in his ‘dance’ moves. But for as charitable as Mykenna was, she did not receive the group date rose. That went to Sydney. Better luck next time, Mykenna.

Cocktail Party

This is where crap hit the fan, and by crap, I mean champagne corks.

Kelsey, the professional clothier from Des Moines, couldn’t stop talking about the special moment she had planned for her one-on-one time with Peter at the cocktail party. She told the other girls she was gifted a bottle of champagne for her birthday and waited over a year to pop it. She was apparently waiting for a very special moment, and nothing is more special than a cocktail party with 25 other women and one man who all those women are looking to steal him like seagulls over a piece of bread. Yeah, definitely the “right moment” to have your cork popped.

So as you may have assumed, Kelsey brought the bottle with her, meaning she checked it in her suitcase, unless that bottle is smaller than 3.4 ounces. She set up an area by the fire for the popping of cork to take place, and as she’s setting it up, Mykenna stole Pete away. Yup, the same Mykenna who held private dance lessons with Peter yesterday!

How dare her steal a man for a couple minutes to talk to him during an hours-long cocktail party on a reality dating TV show! When she got back into the house, Kelsey was there waiting for her, sizing her up, and not to professionally clothe her either.

Kelsey chewed out Mykenna for being selfish. Mykenna apologized, but Kelsey told her she didn’t mean it. In her confessional, Kelsey called Mykenna “a snake” and complained that her and Peter have yet to have “the time to talk about the simple things, like ‘what do you do for a living?’” I mean, right?! All Kels wants is to know what Pilot Pete does for a living!

Then again, how can you expect Kelsey to be very bright… she put her bottle of Champagne in a bucket of ice, and then left that bucket of ice right next to an open fire.

So naturally Kelsey takes some girls aside to talk about ridiculously normal Mykenna was acting for being on a reality TV dating show, when all of a sudden, they hear a pop. That pop could only mean one thing, and despite Peter’s obsession with sex, it was not a cherry.

While canoodling with Peter, Hannah Ann apparently popped the champagne that Kelsey had to awkwardly pack in her suitcase to fly from Des Moines. This did not sit well with Kelsey. You would’ve thought this poor girl’s grandfather just passed away, or worse, Mykenna stole Peter to talk to him again.

Kelsey stormed off, and if you were to ask her how she was feeling in that moment, she probably would’ve said something like, “I can’t even.”

After settling down, she stormed out and called Hannah Ann “a snake” too. For those keeping count. That’s now 23 women and 2 snakes living in this house. Just a heads up, Chris Harrison, but you might want to call pest control and/or Moses.

After Kelsey calms down, Peter walks her into another gazebo to pop another bottle of champagne that just so happened to be set up there. Pete pops the bottle, and Kels, trying to be cool says she just wants to drink it straight from the bottle like some sort of hard ass or an alcoholic mother of three. So Kelsey takes a swig and a face full of bubbles. That’s not some sort of Urban Dictionary slang, either. The bottle literally spritzed in her face. About as smooth as you’d expect a professional clothier from Des Moines to be.

After Kelsey spritz champagne in her face like she won the World Series or something, she confronted Hannah Ann and told her she was fake. Hannah Ann tried to apologize and explain that she had no idea the bottle was hers. I mean, who packs a bottle of champagne in their suitcase? I’m kinda with Hannah Ann on this one. The Bachelor Mansion isn’t BYOB. But, of course, Kelsey was not there to accept her apology. Kind of like how she didn’t accept Mykenna’s apology either. So naturally, the Bachelor producers set these two women to stand next to each other during the rose ceremony…

Rose Ceremony

Before symbolically handing out plants that will die soon, Peter hit the girls with the line of the night, “I knew being the Bachelor was going to be difficult, and this has already proven to be a lot more difficult than I expected.” I laughed out loud.

Here are the girls who got a rose…

• Mykenna
• Victoria P. – odds are he was going to pick a Victoria
• Natasha – apparently Peter enjoyed being verbally abused on a first date
• Jasmine
• Sarah
• Lexi – they bonded over both having red hair, kinda?
• Hannah Ann – obviously
• Alexa – I’m a fan of Alexa, she looks like Zazie Beets (Atlanta, Joker, Deadpool 2)
• Tammy – shooting up my leaderboard. Love me some TamTam.
• Alayah
• Deandra
• Victoria F. – another Victoria? shocker.
• Shiann
• Kiarra
• Savannah – who I didn’t even know was on this show

Chris Harrison how many roses we have left? “Ladies, Peter.. it’s the final rose of the night… when you’re ready.”

• Kelsey – oh of course. Every season needs a damn pot-stirrer.

In the list of girls I’m bummed to see go:

• Lauren – she was stunning. I saw her as this season’s Tayshia, which I guess still makes sense since she was sent home before the final rose. See you on Bachelor In Paradise, Lo… where we’ll all have to be reminded of who you are again

After kicking women he didn’t want to marry out of his party, Peter cheers’d to love. Then he asked if Kelsey had anything she wanted to cheers to. She said, “It’s best if I keep my mouth shut.” We all agreed.

Peter then asked if anyone else had anything to cheers. That’s when Hannah Ann stepped up and said, “Cheers to finding our Prince Charming and eventually splitting up from the Royal family.” No, I’m kidding. She said, “Cheers to finding our Prince Charming and hoping love is in the end.” All the girls were like, “Wow. I love that.” Except for Kelsey who mumbled something under her breath like, “I spritzed champagne in my face you snake.”

Side note: I’m really not a fan of these mid-episode rose ceremonies. It’s like putting the credits in the middle of a movie. It’s just weird. Stop doing it, ABC.

Group Date

“Time to let your personality shine.”

Cut to shots of woo-ing girls running to hug and jump on Peter outside the entrance to Revolve, which I’m told is a clothing store in Hollywood. Probably on the same caliber as the professional clothing store Kelsey works at. That’s how she can afford to fly with bottles of champagne everywhere.

This being The Bachelor, of course there were special guests that make you say, “Oh yeah, I remember them!” And surprisingly, that guest wasn’t Fred Willard.

Instead, ABC got one of the dudes from original Queer Eye’s Fab Five, a woman who Peter said was the first supermodel ever (Janice Dickinson), but I’m pretty sure was just Caitlyn Jenner, and the chief branding officer of Revolve (she got the smallest reaction from the women).

The girls were tasked with picking out two outfits to showcase in a model walk, with the winner of the fashion show getting one of everything from inside Revolve, which I’m pretty sure the girls suddenly wanted more than Peter’s hand in marriage.

One girl said, “This is like Pretty Woman… only without the bad part.” What bad part? You mean Richard Gere’s acting?

The thought of getting up in front of others scared the F out of Victoria F., and she couldn’t afford to lose that F, because of the excess number of Victoria’s in the house. The medical sales rep from Virginia Beach was freaking out. She told the girls she had serious issues with “letting her personality shine,” which is something we definitely didn’t pick up on night one when her “the only thing dry about me is my sense of humor” joke failed to land.

During the fashion show, McKenna killed it. After the first episode, I wasn’t sold on McKenna, but now I feel like I can’t get enough of her. She’s incredibly sweet, survived the rath of Clothier Kelsey, and endured the dance moves of Peter. However, she keeps getting shafted, in my opinion.

Later in the fashion show, Hannah Ann walked out in a damn wedding dress. Because of course she did.

Victoria walked out looking like she didn’t want to be there, which is apparently how you’re supposed to look as a runway model. She walked out in lingerie under a pleather trench coat, and she kissed Peter. Hold up. What was all this “scared to let your personality shine” talk? Apparently the F in Victoria F. stands for FRAUD.

Hannah Ann and Vikki F. tied which meant the tiebreaker was a walk-off.

Again, in my opinion, Mckenna got robbed. She killed it on the runway. Or excuse me, she slayyyyyed. With five y’s. That’s fashion blogger lingo for she did really well.

Hannah Ann ended up winning all the clothes, which they conveniently put in 40 separate shopping bags for her. Oh sure, California wants to ban straws, but using that much tissue paper on national TV is just fine.

Obviously Hannah Ann winning did not sit well with ANY of the other girls, especially Cork-Obsessed Kels and Victoria F.

After the America’s Next Top Model crossover, Victoria F. and Peter shared some one-on-one time or should I say one-on-zero time, since Victoria F. didn’t talk that much. In fact, she eventually started crying, which only played more into her “the only thing dry about her is her sense of humor” line. 

Peter then walked her over into a dark corner, saying, “I’m gonna get you some privacy here.” Even though they both remained mic’d up and in clear view of all cameras. They hugged and Victoria will probably be just fine, despite having a name popularized during the time before the Titanic sunk.

Kelsey then got Peter alone and guess what… had ANOTHER bottle of champagne with him. I swear, there’s been more bottles of champagne this episode than commercials for the Good Doctor. Kelsey’s time went really well. How do we know? Because she bragged about to all the girls when she got back to them.

Hannah Ann was up next with Peter, and she felt necessary it was time to spill the tea on Kels. This move is on the list of top 3 things you DO NOT do. If you go to the Bachelor or Bachelorette with your drama, it’s not going to end well for you. Now, Hannah Ann is this season’s front runner, so maybe she’ll survive for now, but it rarely goes well.

Eventually Peter gave the group date rose to Victoria F. See? Mckenna screwed again. That’s three times in one episode. However, the one bright side of Mckenna always getting stiffed is the camera always seems to find her after someone else gets a rose, and it’s hilarious.

After handing out the group date rose, Peter pulls Kelsey aside to have the Hannah Ann talk. He told her Hannah Ann thinks she’s bullying her and asks if that’s the case. “No,” Kelsey said emphatically, which is exactly what a bully would say.

The irony here, of course, is that Kelsey was cyber-bullied on Twitter last night.

The show ended with that Champagne in the neck Kels crying and pulling a Robert Durst, which is what we call going to the bathroom while leaving your mic on.

Questions of the Week

Each week, I’ll answer some questions about that week’s episode.

Who Won The Night?

Tammy’s facial expressions

Tammy is flying up my power rankings of girls in the house this season. She was forced in the middle of the Bottlegate, and made it out alive… and in fact, turned against Kelsey. She’s a house flipper, so you know she’s real. Tammy > Scott Disick.

Who gets my rose this week?

Mckenna

After the season premiere, I never thought I’d say this. For some reason, she annoyed me, but we all should be willing to give everyone a pass for night one, based solely on how much alcohol (or in Kelsey’s case, champagne) is served. Mckenna is cute, sweet, and is also a blogger, so she’s cool by me.

Did Hannah B. show up in this episode?

*sigh* Yes.

What is your prediction for next week based on the trailer?

This might come as a shock, but apparently Kelsey wasn’t lying when she told Hannah Ann that she wouldn’t be able to drop the champagne drama. How do I know? Because in the trailer, Hannah Ann said: “I’m not a champagne stealer! Why would I steal champagne?” Which is actually a good defense, if you think about it. Especially if you’re on a reality TV show where a major network channel foots the bill for all alcohol.

Also… dammit, Demi is back. The only person I’m sick of seeing more than Nick Vial is Demi. ABC, stop trying to make Demi happen… it’s NOT going to happen!

This week, the trailer also gave us a “Later this season” trailer, where they go to exotic places like Santiago, Chile and…. Cleveland? Really? Why Cleveland? Probably because they spent most of their budget on bottles of champagne.

Also, we got our first glimpses of Peter’s weird Harry Potter scar on his forehead.

Until next week… Buh-bye (PP).