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A Letter From The NFL Season

Dear America-

Well, it sure has been a while. But in the words of the rapper T.I., Manny Ramirez, a crappy CBS sitcom, Austin Powers, and that dinosaur movie, “I’m back.” I know it’s been a while (since February to be exact), but I figured I’d better come back soon before any more Saints fans pass out from celebrating their team’s World Championship.

I know it may seem like I always leave in February, show up for a weekend in late April, then leave again before coming back for good in August. Well, that’s because that’s what I do every year. I like it that way. Mainly because if I was around all year, you wouldn’t follow me as closely. Just ask my brother, MLB season.

I’ve got some new additions to my family and am ready to introduce you to them very soon! Some you’ll see more than others, and heaven forbid I don’t lose any more new kids to video games addictions. That last sentence wasn’t a joke.

Some of these new guys are having some trouble fitting in. They don’t want to respect their elders. But I went ahead and punished them by sidelining them for 4 weeks with an ankle injury. The other guys who do respect their elders, well, they just get the privilege of looking ridiculous in public. Whereas others get the honor of having a male genitalia shaved into their head. Oh boys will be boys!

Even my best behaved newbies have been given some chores to do. How humble. But that’s not it. Why not make one of the biggest promoters of the Bible look exactly like a character from the Bible? That’s exactly what the Broncos did. But still those chores don’t compare to being forced to ride a tricycle to and from practice.

However, I also have some old faces that have failed some conditioning tests again and again and again and again and again. And then just decided to tell people he hasn’t been able to finish the conditioning test because of his knee.

Sure.

Of course, many people want him to pass the conditioning test, especially those people in Bethesda, MD. If Fat Albert passes his conditioning test, then everyone at bd’s Mongolian Grill gets free ice cream.

A lot of my players like to show off their talents. Not just their football playing talents, but other talents as well. Take Peyton Manning for example. He does as great LaDainian Tomlinson impression as you can see from the picture below:

Some of my other players, like Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe, want people to stop calling them by their nickname. Instead of being called D-Bowe, Dwayne would prefer to be called his self declared nickname, “the single biggest dumbass in the NFL.

Of course, you’re always going to have those players that live out the lyrics of the hit song by The Clash. I think we all know who I’m talking about. He’s already gotten enough face time this summer, so let’s move on.

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And it wouldn’t be a letter about myself if I didn’t include a fat guy in an electric motor chair and my very own pretty boy cover boy kissing another boy.

I think he ate too much. No, scratch that. I KNOW he ate too much.

More like GAY-triots! Am I right?!

A lot of my fans hate this time of year. They hate waiting for the actual season to start. They get too antsy and don’t want to wait. They want preseason games and training camp to be nixed all together. My response to that is:

Girls wear training bras for the same reason we have training camp. It’s to prepare us for great things to come.

Sit tight, I will be here for good very very soon. So enjoy these last few months of my brother, MLB season. He gets lonely when I come around. Everybody loves me so much more. He’s like the Jan Brady while I’m Marsha.

Sit tight, I’ll be there soon. In fact, I can already hear Charlie Daniels warming up his vocal cords now. Oh no wait, that’s just that fat girl from the Dixie Chicks. My bad.

Welp, see ya September 9th. Enjoy our little Sam’s Club esque samples of football games until then, starting tonight with the Hall of Fame Game at that high school looking field from Canton, Ohio.

Sincearly,

The NFL Season

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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