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21 Is The New 14

Have you guys ever seen Never Been Kissed? You know, that Drew Berrymore movie where she was unattractive. I know that’s every Drew Berrymore movie, but this is the one where she is unattractive and goes back to high school to pose as a student while she works as an undercover reporter. David Arquette was in that movie and after seeing the success of Drew’s character he decides to go back to high school to pursue a baseball career.

Well, this story is kind of like that movie. Only with replace the high school baseball career with a Pop Warner football team. And replace Drew Berrymore with a less ugly dude. No offense… To the guy.

According to the St. Petersburg Times story on the incident, 14-year-old Chad Jordan of the Town N’ Country Packers wasn’t really 14-year-old Chad Jordan, but more of 21-year-old Julious Javone Threatts. Well, I guess someone won’t be getting ice cream after their supper tonight, because he’ll be going straight to bed… with no TV time either!

First off, nevermind Julious Javone Threatts for a second, did anyone notice that this team’s name is the Town N’ Country Packers? Does the town’s name take away from whatever mascot you have considering the town is the same name of a popular woman’s fashion, travel, health and beauty magazine? Of course, that then begs the question, does it take away from this predominately male sports blog that I know what kind of magazine Town & Country is?

However, they could be called the Care Bears Lovin’ Packers and still that wouldn’t take away from their name more than their website does. Wow. But then again, who are we to make fun of other people’s ridiculous websites?

Let’s move on…

Steve Levinson, president of the football league, said Threatts played for the now defunct West Coast Youth Football Conference last year, trained again during the spring and then joined the Tampa Bay league at the beginning of this season. Levinson said the person he knew as Chad Jordan turned in all the necessary registration paperwork, including a copy of his birth certificate, which officials now realize must have been fake.

Apparently Julious Javone Threatts duped everyone.

“He duped everyone,” Levinson said.

See! I wasn’t making that up!

For those of you wondering, “Well, was it worth it?! Did he absolutely dominate against kids SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM?!”

In one word: no. His coaches think he just did this because he wanted to play football.

“I don’t think he was good enough to play semipro or anything,” McCloud said. “This might sound crazy, but I feel sorry for him. … they say he’s a man, but he really acted like a sweet kid.”

Threatts was only 5′ 11″, 160 lbs. For those of you who aren’t good with sizes, it’s about the size of your grandma. This incident is Threatts’ sixth arrest. His first arrest came when he was actually, 14 years old. Or, did he dupe everyone back then and he was really 21 years old then making him 28 years old now? My head hurts.

He is facing charges of trespassing on school grounds, obstruction by a disguised person and violation of probation.

Threatts is currently behind bars without bail. For the sake of his innocence, let’s hope he doesn’t lie about his age in the slammer. I’m sure fellow inmates would have a field day with… well… you know.

Unfortunately for Chad Jordan, or Julious Javone Threatts, whatever he is going by these days, his story doesn’t end by him FINALLY getting kissed on the pitchers mound of the big game.

(If you’re mad that I just gave away the ending to Never Been Kissed, get over it! You’ve had 11 years to see the movie. And besides, the movie is called NEVER BEEN KISSED! Did you actually think they’d leave it open for a sequel called STILL NEVER BEEN KISSED or SOMEBODY PLEASE KISS ME ALREADY? Heck, the boat sinks at the end of Titanic. Oops! Did I ruin that for you too?!)

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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