The Complete List Of 2014 Heisman Candidates

December 12, 2014December 12, 2014 Austin

NEW YORK CITY- The Heisman Trophy Trust announced it’s 2014 finalists late Tuesday afternoon, and for the first time since 2013, more than one finalist was named.

The 2014 Heisman Finalists are:

Marcus Mariota
Josh Shaw
Amari Cooper
Johnny Manziel, again
That UCLA Punter who doesn’t know how eye black works
Melvin Gordon

Oregon Ducks quarterback Marcus Mariota leads the pack of Heisman candidates this year. Mariota started every game for Ducks and put up statistics that would tickle most people’s fancy. Although the question remains if he will win the Heisman, many believe he’s the odd-on favorite to win Best Dressed on Gamedays, in large part because of Oregon’s uniforms. Marcus would also be the first man named Marcus Mariota to win the Heisman.

USC Trojans defensive back Josh Shaw is the best player in all of college football according to a press release sent to us from Josh Shaw. The release continued by saying Josh Shaw is the favorite to win the presidential election in 2016 and he was the winner of American Idol Season 7. Josh grew up in a mansion in Beverly Hills to his parents Brad Pitt and Jessica Alba, which is why he’s so good looking. He could’ve been a model if he wanted, but he decided to play football instead. Josh Shaw also accepted illegal benefits from USC boosters but only to donates said benefits to charity for starving children. Shaw admitted he also created the famous newspaper comic strip Family Circus, which he writes and hand-draws himself. The release also stated that Shaw sprained his ankle jumping from a three-story building in an attempt to save his nephew from drowning earlier this year, but in all honesty, that last bit seems like a lie.

Alabama Crimson Tide wide receiver Amari Cooper has been referred to as the best wide receiver in college football all season long. “I think Amari deserves this trophy more than anyone else,” Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban said during an in-home interview, while gently massaging Cooper’s feet on a bear rug in front of a fire. “Thanks coach,” the shy Cooper responded before Saban answered back with a sensual wink. While the nation has grown more annoyed with Alabama football than Pibull, many college football commentators believe Cooper was only invited with the hopes of seeing Amari’s father so they can say they were Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.

Former Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel is once again on the ballot this year. Despite not playing a game this season (on the college or pro ranks), Manziel still remains the best quarterback in history according to ESPN, who airs the Heisman Trophy Ceremony each year. Many believe ESPN executives pulled some strings to get Manziel nominated in an attempt to boost ratings.

That UCLA Bruins punter who doesn’t know how eye black works is also up for the Heisman, but just because everyone thinks it’s funny that a punter would not only wear eye black, but wear eye black so ridiculously wrong.

Reports say Wisconsin running back Melvin Gordon was going to be left off the Heisman Trophy ballot altogether, but the Heisman Trophy committee was forced to. “Yeah, apparently he’s already here. He showed up on Monday,” Heisman Trust President Bill Dockery said. “He ran here.” When asked about it, Gordon said he took an indirect route to New York, because he had to run through Nebraska first.

Dockery assures fans that this year’s Heisman presentation might be interesting, even without the story lines of fake dead girlfriends or getting away with sexual assault like it had in year’s past. He continued saying, “At very least, just tune in to catch the ESPN 30 for 30 afterwards.”

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