I’m teeing up on the 18th down a stroke against my buddy. Loser buys dinner. Nothing has ever been as important as this moment in my entire life. So of course, I grab my driver and swing it as hard as my body physically allows. Shockingly, my ball is crushed dead center in the fairway, about 275 yards, and I immediately think, “Is it time to quit my sales job?” Pretty sure this is how Ernie Els got his start.

I feel invincible… at least almost. As I pick up my tee I realize once again my underwear is corkscrewed around my waist. My 18th “tee-box wedgie” of the day. 

How is this still happening to me?

Aside from putting, every single swing I take forces my boxers into a knot inside my pants. And I’m not the only one. Even the scratch golfers at my club can’t seem to avoid the infamous “Golf-wedgie.” Why don’t the physicists at Callaway spend a little less time worrying about putter grips, and a little more time on the real issues of golf: chronic bunching underwear.

Enter Birddogs – stretchy khaki pants with built-in boxer briefs. With the briefs sewn in, my underwear and pants now work in tandem. They look exactly like normal golf khakis, but stretch and breathe like nothing else.

To be completely frank, I’ve never worn pants as comfortable as these. And not only on the golf course, I find myself wearing Birddogs pants to work, to dinner, and everywhere else in between. I own 2 pairs of every color they have. 8 total.

Birddogs have already become the go-to pants of the common golfer, and with the Masters right around the corner (super stoked), don’t be surprised when you see the iconic Green Jacket paired with them in the near future… they’re the real deal. Like Ernie Els.

The post Birddogs Pants For Golf? Here’s The Case. appeared first on Korked Bats.

Get used that beautiful face because yesterday we got our first taste of sports starting to return. And don’t start with, “What about Bundesliga? It came back a couple weeks ago!” Look, I don’t care how much you talk about Bolognese, I’m never going to watch Bangladesh. And yeah, the KBO is going on right now. Our NC Dinos are in first by 3.0 games. Not to brag. But those games are on in the middle of the night. So to me, The Match was the first bit of sports we’ve had since – what feels like – the Clinton administration.

This was actually The Match 2, adding it to the list of The Godfather 2, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Empire Strikes Back, The Dark Knight, (hot take) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and Christmas Vacation as a sequel that was better than its original.

Let’s rehash some of the best moments…

The Trash Talk

And when I say trash talk, I really mean just jokes at Tom Brady’s expense, because he was so bad. Sure, I can’t imagine it’s easy to play golf in the rain, on national TV, in front of two of the greatest golfers ever and your biggest football rival. But it didn’t seem to phase anyone else.

The trash talk started light during warmups with Peyton taking a few jabs at Brady.

Then Tiger had his fun with Brady.

Even Sean Payton got in on it from the comfort of his covid-filled home.

Although, I will say, Brady was able to fight back a bit with his savage “they haven’t been good since you left” blast.

For the record, Tennessee literally won a national championship the year after Peyton left. But the point still stands. Manning should’ve hit him back with, “Michigan hasn’t beaten Ohio State since you left.”

But the best line of the day actually came from the mouth of Justin Thomas.

Brady Split His Pants

Brady leaves New England and everything begins to come undone. Starting with his pants. Honestly, this one moment made the entire 3+ hours all worth it. Anything I can watch that makes Tom Brady look like a total doofus, I’ll do it. Well, anything other than Tom vs. Time.

I always thought the joke “Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one” was just a joke. But Brady legitimately brought it to life. Then again, given his social media humor, that’s not really a shock. Frankly, I’m surprised he didn’t do it on purpose just to post that joke.

This obviously led Brady to change pants. But instead of changing into his own, he apparently borrowed a pair from Michael Jordan.

Even M.C. Hammer thinks those pants are too baggy. With all the wind, I’m surprised he didn’t blow away.

Brady’s Incredible Shot

This was like the one good thing he did all day. Let’s move on.

Tiger Woods’ Calves

I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty sure Sunday afternoon was the first time I’ve ever seen Tiger Woods’ calves. It kinda felt like seeing your high school principal out in the wild for the first time. You had no idea that person even owned a pair of shorts because you’ve only ever seen them in pants. You just never expected to see their legs. But here we are, I guess.

Was I impressed with Tiger’s calves? Hell no. Tiger’s legs are smaller than Johnny Bravo’s.

Do I respect the decision? Of course. Tiger rocking shorts showed he was there for casual vibes only. If he would’ve worn pants – especially with his Sunday red – I would’ve expected for him to literally murder someone on the course. He would’ve been like the guy who shows up to hoop at the local gym wearing sweatbands. Really, dude? This is just a pick up game.

Although, I will say. Next time Tiger opts for shorts, he should wear actual shorts and not capri pants.

Does This Count As A Major Win For Tiger?

It should.

What do you think is harder: surviving Amen Corner at Augusta or overcoming this first tee shot from Peyton?

That was a rhetorical question.

Peyton Manning Is… Really Good At Golf?!

Look, I’m not naive to think that anyone playing with and receiving coaching from Tiger isn’t going to be instantly made better, but Pey-pey actually looked solid out there. He made some long puts, hit some great approach shots, and really held his own. Then again, he is known for his gigantic fore-head.

I’m sorry. That was dumb. I’ll take a penalty stroke for that.

It also helped that Brady kinda sucked. He couldn’t putt. He couldn’t chip. And he produced worse drives than his final one in New England. You know the one.

The Rain

The Match felt a lot like that climactic scene from The Fan, based solely on the fact that it was pouring down rain and probably should’ve been called, but inexplicably wasn’t.

Really the only thing The Match was missing was Robert DeNiro posing as one of the golf officials obsessed with showing people his knife.

The one day we try and bring back actual sports, Mother Nature hits us with enough rain to make Seattle feel like the Sahara. But look, Mama Natch, we’re starving for sports, and you weren’t about to stop this from happening. And TNT wasn’t about to let you.

Plus, it kinda made everything look more awesome.

And romantic.

[divider][/divider]

Well, this was really nice, sports. We should do it again sometime. Seriously. I’m actually free all summer. Give me a call. I mean it. Let’s do this again. Please? Call me? Want to make sure you have my correct number? No, it hasn’t changed, I just… Let’s just please get together again really soon. Please.

Please.

The post The Top Moments From The Match with Tiger, Peyton, Brady and Phil appeared first on Korked Bats.

Haters will say it’s photoshopped, so here’s another angle for good measure.

Tiger Woods stans will argue, “Well, let’s see the rest of her game!” But do we even have to? Ever heard the expression “drive for show, putt for dough?” Putting is as important as it gets. And here’s Mary Ann, a bunco enthusiast (I assume), sinking 94-footers like their Werther’s Originals and Metamucil.

Most PGA-ers complain when a green plays fast. Can you think of a faster playing green than the hardwood of a college basketball court? Mary Ann would make Torrey Pines look like a putt-putt course in Panama City.

94 feet! That’s almost a foot for every year she’s been alive. Most grandmas make really good cookies. Mary Ann makes putts like she’s Lee Trevino.

Yeah, Lee Trevino in a brand new car. That’s another thing I’ve yet to mention. MeeMaw got herself a new whip.

I know Augusta National still thinks women have cooties or whatever, but they have to find a way to get this woman into the field for the Masters.

#MaryAnnToTheMasters

The post 84-Year-Old Mary Ann Is A Better Golfer Than Tiger Woods And I Dare You To Try To Argue Otherwise appeared first on Korked Bats.

Tiger Woods was also voted Most Likely To Miss The Next Major.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Jimmy Fallon Presents 2014 PGA Superlatives [VIDEO] appeared first on Korked Bats.

I can hear you. What’s The Masters? Who even cares about The Masters?

Some people do. And in fact, I was one of those people yesterday.

Here are the reasons that golf sucked me in:

1. I figured if I watched golf, I would get a really good nap.

2. There was a really cute guy watching golf and I wanted to see if he was impressed by my interest in golf.

3. There was an American in second place and he was trying to beat a foreigner.

4. Everyone loves a good underdog story. (Except for the move Underdog. No one loved that.)

5. Especially when the American wins. Or Kentucky (SHOUT OUT!).

6. When I didn’t get what a “birdie” was, I just acted really cute and ditzy and was like, “oh haha, could you explain to me about what birdies are?”

7. When I didn’t get what an “eagle” was, I just acted really cute and ditzy and was like, “Oh, I get the birdie thing now, but what about this different eagle thing haha ::bat my eyelashes:: haha?”

8. The guy that won the Masters, kind of looks like Enrique Iglesias. Mainly because of his large face mole that he obviously gets his golf powers from.

9. I was able to quote lines from the all-time American Golf movie classic, Happy Gilmore, without judgement.

10. I will now be way more educated about the finer of the sports. Next up: croquet, polo, and off-shore banking.

Ladies, if you are thinking, “How long do I have to wait for football to start back again, so I can pretend to like sports, so I can  hang out with all of the handsome guys I know?” Don’t worry. There is plenty of time and plenty of sports. Including baseball. That sport is super confusing and super long. Pick a team and hold on for a roller coaster of emotions. A rollercoaster that goes really slow and lasts for the entire summer. Whatever you do though, don’t pick the team that from Moneyball. That is a pretend team. Just felt like I needed to clear that up. Anyways, I close with something else I learned while watching Golf today: “FORE!”

• • •

This post is a part of our bi-weekly The Ladies Room posts for Korked Bats.

Follow The Ladies Room on Twitter: @KBLadiesRoom – Or follow Erin, TLR writer: @erinmcgown

As always, be sure to follow Korked Bats and our up-to-the-minute sports jokes: @korkedbats

The post Golf Lessons: Masters Edition appeared first on Korked Bats.

Kevin Na is a professional golfer on the PGA Tour. We think. Last week he had a day he wishes he could forget.  Na shot an 80 on the day.  You may be saying to yourself, “No wonder he’s a professional golfer, that’s incredible!” or “80?  That’s not too bad.  Heck, Rory McIlroy shot that on Sunday at the Masters!”  You would be right in thinking that.  But Rory McIlroy didn’t shoot a 16 on a par 4.  Na recorded the single worst hole in a PGA event since 1983.  You have to see it to believe it.

The post 28 Year PGA Record Shattered appeared first on Korked Bats.

Paul Casey: Paul was one of my favorites going into the Masters, but after unearthing this photo I am going to have to drop him down a few notches. Odds to win: 1-30 (or 30-1, I don’t know what order the numbers go in, whichever is harder to win)

Phil Mickelson: Phil would have a much better chance at winning another green jacket if he would stop hitting from the wrong side of the tee. He’s even holding his club backwards. العاب قمار كازينو Odds to win: 10-1

Matt Kuchar: Ok, growing up I had a lot of friends named Matt. Like, seriously, four or five decent acquaintances named Matt, or Jim or something.  Odds to win: 25-1

Shooter McGavin: Though Shooter has been quiet on the tour as of late, the same was said of Jack Nicklaus before his magical run in ’86. Things seem to be lining up for ol’ Shooter. Odds to win: 8-1

Bubba Watson: I’m having a hard time remembering which character in Caddyshack this guy was. Odds to win: 15-1

Tiger Woods: Never heard of him. Odds to win: 12-1

John Daly: This all rides on his pant color. Odds to win: 100-1

Will Smith: Now here’s a frontrunner. Will Smith has never finished second in anything he has even thought about doing, let alone smacking some little white ball at some hole somewhere. If there is a such thing as negative odds to win, Big Willie would take that down. كيف تربح في مراهنات كرة القدم Expect a Smith victory pending alien invasion, him losing his last X-ray machine and sleeping in the subway with his son, another movie with aliens and Tommy Lee Jones or a plague turning everyone but himself into zombies. العاب ربح Odds to win: 4-3

Bill Murray: If he can stay focused, he could be a dark horse in this entire tournament. Odds to win: 73.1-1

David Duval’s Back: Here’s a riches to rags story. Once one of the top backs on the tour, now seeped into oblivion. Here’s to hoping that he can turn into a robot!

The post Masters Preview appeared first on Korked Bats.

April 5th, 2010

The Sports World’s Armageddon

The sports world calendar has always been pretty considerate of it’s self and other people’s schedules…

…until now.

Today marks a day unlike any other day in the sports world. A day in which sports schedules clash together like two Greek gods going to war. Or an elderly Asian woman running a stop sign and crashing into another car. (Which ever gives you the better visual.) Ok, it’s not that big of a deal, but there are three important things going on today, that as a sports fan, or a girlfriend trying to impress your boyfriend, you need to watch.

If you don’t catch at least two of these events, you better have a pretty good excuse to avoid the water cooler tomorrow. And being forced to watch Dancing With The Stars is NOT an excuse.

Here are the things you better have your television, computer, FloTV, iPad, microwave, or any other electronic device turned to tomorrow:

Major League Baseball’s Opening Day

If you’re as big of a baseball fan as me then you’re 5’8″ around 170 pounds. And you’ve been waiting for baseball season since the day the Yankees won their friggin’ 27th title. Well, wait no longer my friends, for today is the day. First pitches across the country will be thrown. Including one by Healthcare Reform enthusiast Barrack Obama at the Washington Nationals’ home opener. (It’d be best to leave the White Sox jacket at home for that one, B.O.)

Tomorrow is the start of the 162 game marathon. There will be ups and downs (or downs and downs if you’re a Pirates fan). Don’t freak out if your favorite team loses it’s first game of the season. So what if after today they’re on pace to go 0-162? All you need to do is learn 5 simple words that Cubs fans have learned to live by: “There is always next year.”

And trust me, Cubbies, you probably won’t win the World Series this year. So go ahead and start rehearsing that line.

Tiger Answers Questions From The Media

After over 4 and half months of silence, Tiger Woods will finally be answering questions from the media at The Masters Media Day. He will probably answer questions like, “Will you be ready to play after this 4 month lay off?” or “What is the current situation with you and Elin?” or even “Can you get me your ninth mistress’ number? She was hot!”

Many people are looking forward to how Tiger will handle all these questions on the fly. Others are looking forward to seeing him just return to normalcy. Whereas others are just looking forward to a clip of Tiger Woods with out an ugly blue curtain in the background.

NCAA Basketball National Championship

This year’s NCAA Tournament Championship showcases the national powerhouse Duke Blue Devils and well… Um… Butler. That’s right. There is Duke, coming from the tournament’s easiest bracket and then there is Butler, coming from out of no where. But we must give this Mid-Major credit. They have had some big victories to get this far and have earned it. And unlike another Butler I know, they didn’t blow it in the Final Four.

Unfortunately for the NCAA and CBS, the only people that will be watching this game will be Duke fans, Butler fans, or those who will be tuning in to watch Two And A Half Men not realizing that the show returns next week.

Everyone’s bracket was shot once Kansas kansased* in the second round. (* = kansased: [v.] blowing it in the NCAA tournament on a yearly basis. also see: choking) And for those smart sports fans (yes, I’m looking at myself), you picked Duke to win it all. Then again, bragging about having the best March Madness bracket is like bragging about rolling doubles in Monopoly. It’s all chance. (Pun not intended.)

• • •

It’s funny that we have all of these different sports taking part in today and still there is no sign of the NFL. Well, no sign of the NFL other than the 2 hours ESPN will dedicate to the NFL Draft (which is still just under a month away) by talking about it on NFL Live and Sportscenter.

Hopefully, the sports world will survive today’s clash of schedules. If not, then we’ll have to find something else to pass our time daily, and I don’t know about you guys, but I really don’t want to burn the Discovery Channel logo into my television’s screen like I did with the ESPN logo.

Then again, if things get too rough, we could always send Bruce Willis and his rag-tag bunch of oil drillers up into space to save us. Sorry, that was a poorly executed Armageddon joke. (Spoiler Warning) Bruce Willis dies in the end.

Have a happy April 5th, 2010!

The post The Day The Sports World Blew Up appeared first on Korked Bats.

We all said it. ALL of us. All of us, at some point Friday while watching Tiger Woods’ first press conference* since that happened, turned to whoever we were watching it with and asked, “Is Tiger really a robot?”

*I’ve watched a lot of press conferences in my life. That wasn’t a press conference. I’m only calling Woods’ thing a press conference because I can’t really think of a better definition without just making a word up.

Now, we all know that I watched it. This Tiger story is the gift that keeps on giving for those in the blogging business. So, inherently, we all know that I talked to people about the whole Tiger-being-a-robot thing.

Here’s the deal: we all like to joke about it, right? It’s fun. “I wonder when his creator programmed that sentence into his vocabulary? I wonder who’s golf swing they modeled his after when he was created in the lab? I wonder if any of those ladies noticed when they were, uh, with him?” It’s fun, you know?

I’m beginning to wonder, though, if we’re taking the whole thing a little too lightly.

What I mean to say is, are we selling ourselves short by just joking about Tiger being a robot? Is it possible that Tiger Woods really is a robot?

If you’ve read my analytical work before, you know that I try to exhaust all possible angles to get answers. I’m an analytical thinker. I don’t just assume, I discover. I dig. I skewer. I get answers. I’m ready to apply my processes to discovering for America, once and for all, if Tiger Woods was built piece by piece in a lab with the sole purpose of winning golf tournaments and running the table on every woman in the world.

Now, Austin and I discussed this on our radio show Saturday, and he was fairly dismissive. Whatever. I think I have sound reasoning.

Sign #1: His demeanor.

How it is robotic: It’s better to ask what about his demeanor isn’t robotic. He’s stoic in interviews. His facial expressions in press conferences not only don’t change, but I’m not sure his face actually moves. Any time he makes a joke, it’s followed by an unnatural, forced laugh that fades quickly back into the home screen face. He doesn’t sleep at night, he charges. Ok, I don’t know that for sure, but is it really that unbelievable?

How it isn’t robotic: The counter argument here are the numerous accounts of temper tantrums thrown by Woods on the golf course. You could say they show ’emotion,’ or whatever. I see through it. Technology these days is incredible. I’m pretty sure every Tiger temper tantrum was also executed by characters on the Tiger Woods games when shanking drives. I’m assuming they were programmed into him just like ‘Interview after Day 1 of the Masters’ was.

Sign #2: His golf game/successes

How it is robotic: His swing is perfect. His success through his first 13 years on tour is unparalleled. Remember when he just decided to change his swing back in 2003? Obviously a new disc. Everything is perfectly calculated: distance, wind, height and speed calculated in m.p.h, f.p.h., i.p.h., k.p.h, m.p.m., f.p.m, i.p.m. and k.p.m. If you don’t think any human is capable of making those conversions in his head, then, well duh, that’s the whole idea.

How it isn’t robotic: I know what you’re thinking. If he’s a robot, how does he lose? Why isn’t every shot perfect? Duly noted. But let me ask you something: is every pitch at a batting cage always perfect? Do A5 Assasin Droids occasionally miss their targets? Is it really that hard to believe that Tiger was set up on a PC mainframe, and that he sometimes quits unexpectedly, and it takes him a few minutes to get it back together because he has to keep hitting ‘End Now’ and then tell himself that no, he in fact doesn’t want to send an error report?

Sign #3: His sex life

How it is robotic: Look, I’m a man. As such, it’s inherent in me- just like every other man on this planet- to fancy myself a sex machine. Whatever. It comes with the, uh, territory. We all like to think we’re sex machines. Tiger Woods really is a sex machine. Like, literally. Not only is his sex count is the 40’s (and counting!), but you should read the things his mistresses said about him. Think of that one AC/DC song. The one about something that happens all something long. He’s like the Loch Ness Monster of the bedroom: there’s no possible way the things people say about him are really true. Well, not if he was a human.

How it isn’t robotic: I guess a logical counter argument would be that you’d think these women would’ve noticed, right? Wouldn’t they be shocked to find no sweat on him after hours of love making? But think about it like this: is a woman really going to complain if she was with a FREAKING SEX ROBOT? Plus, they had to know that he’d destroy (like, with missiles) them if they came out and announced what he was. Then they’d never get the sex machine again.

Look, folks, these are the facts. I didn’t invent them, I just explored them. Just know that when it all comes out, and I turn out being correct, I won’t say ‘I told you so,’ I’ll say 11110000 101010101 111 0101 0100 001010101 010101010101

The post Alright, Let’s Settle This Once And For All appeared first on Korked Bats.

So I don’t know if you heard, but Tiger Woods held a little press conference on Friday.

In case you missed it…

Woods Apology

…And that’s it. There is no joke.

I actually made an attempt to watch the entire thing, but it was so laughably wooden and scripted that I had to cut it off.

I mean, who does this guy think he is? Bill Clinton? Not that I don’t think the dozens of women he bedded is a tad more egregious than a couple interns and a cigar. But, ultimately, Tiger Woods is just some dude with a golf club… not a head of state. And despite the fact that I’m going to miss “Tiger Woods PGA Tour” on the ol’ X-Box, I don’t really think that he owes anyone an apology but his wife and his kids (albeit, when they’re old enough to comprehend what adultery and compulsive sexual behavior are).

This post isn’t really intended to be all that humorous. I’m kind of serious. I legitimately feel that Tiger is more deserving of pity than disdain. I feel like his situation sort of exemplifies the double-standard we hold our superstar athletes to.  We regard regular guys as super human due to some arbitrary criteria like being a superior athlete then condescend them and abandon them when they reveal that they’re just regular people, prone to the same temptation as anyone else.

Maybe I’m being a bit of a bleeding heart, but cut Tiger some slack. All that fame and all that money, women had to have been literally throwing themselves at him. I’d wager that you’d probably have a few slip-ups yourself if you were subjected to a cleat chaser onslaught of that magnitude.

The post Screaming Infidelities appeared first on Korked Bats.