Alex Rodriguez Files Defamation Lawsuit Against Himself

NEW YORK, NY — New York Yankees third baseman and playoff success adversary Alex Rodriguez filed a defamation lawsuit against himself early Wednesday morning.

Court documents point out that Alex Rodriguez is actually the only person Alex Rodriguez hasn’t sued yet. The filing of this lawsuit puts an end to that. Fellow Yankee teammate Derek Jeter was the second-to-last person to be sued by Rodriguez. However, last week, Rodriguez filed a lawsuit on the notion that he “played with [Jeter] for nine years” and he “has yet to receive a gift basket.”

Alex Rodriguez, the last person who still likes Alex Rodriguez, shocked everyone with this lawsuit. “I’m shocked,” New York Judge Brian Walters said. “He’s suing the last person who has any ounce of respect for him. He’s not just burning bridges, he’s blowing them up with a missile-carrying yacht, which I’m sure he probably owns.”

While many could care less about another A-Rod lawsuit, Rodriguez released a statement explaining his motive for both of you that care:

I am filing a defamation lawsuit against myself for the tireless work I have done to damage my own reputation, causing me personal humiliation, mental anguish, anxiety, cockiness, and a small case of the sniffles.

I spent years working on my game to propel myself to the level I’m at, and for someone, like myself, to come along, take a few stabs in the buttocks, and ruin that by denying everything and then later admitting that I actually did take a few stabs and then attack others for saying I did the stuff that I denied doing yet later admitted to is just completely unprofessional and uncalled for. It is because of myself that I can’t leave my house without being totally ignored by everyone because they’re already tired of seeing me so much on TV.

I used to be hand-fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz on my missile-carrying yacht. Now, I have to drive myself to the store, purchase my own popcorn, and have the store clerk feed it to me. And the convenient store clerk isn’t even that cute. He’s old looking.

Hopefully, this lawsuit sends a message and helps right the wrong I have committed against myself.

Many expect the two sides one side to settle, unless the court date gets pushed back to October. If that’s the case, many assume Rodriguez will fail to show up.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

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