Austin, myself, and Grit are back with Episode 44 and the latest installment of The Junk Drawer.

NFL Free Agency has been absolutely bananas so far but first we had to talk about Drew Brees’ retirement. Let’s just say Drew’s “retirement to spend more time with his kids” didn’t last very long.

Grit and myself have punishments from bets to pay up on. Grit owes us a TikTok from last year’s NLCS, and I owe a punishment for naming Betty Crocker as a woman last week. Yikes.

It’s an exciting week in the sports world. With free agency signing left and right, and, finally, the long-awaited NCAA Tournament. MARCH. MADNESS. We’ve waited an entire year for this “One Shining Moment”. Grit tries to guess all 6 orange teams in the Midwest region of the bracket. He gets painstakingly close.

Our only problem with the tourney this year is that the play-in games don’t start until Thursday???? So now we have to wait until Friday, as opposed to Thursday, for the official beginning of the tournament. I guess that old saying “all good things are worth waiting for” holds true.

LISTEN HERE

RUNDOWN

0:59​ – Nick Markakis Shout Out

2:06​ – Our Glacier Boyz Are Finals(?) Bound

8:18​ – The Good, The Back, & The Ugly – A.D.

10:39​ – Drew Brees Pulled A Jason Witten

19:21​ – A.D.’s Disdain For Cam Newton Is Strong

29:21​ – GRIT TIK TOK AND A.D. BET UPDATE

37:09​ – The Good, The Back, & The Ugly – Grit

45:20​ – Jameis Winston Explains A Play With Boom’s and Bop’s

47:14​ – The Good, The Back, & The Ugly – Austin

47:22​ – True Love Does Exist

1:01:15​ – Sad Austin Hair Update :(

1:08:53​ – Why Are The Play-In Games On Thursday?

1:12:57​ – FRANK FACT

The post The Junk Drawer: NFL Free Agency, March Madness, & When Are Grit & A.D. Paying Their Punishments? appeared first on Korked Bats.

This will forever be my favorite picture of Big Ben Roethlisberger. Will I ever stop using it? No, absolutely not. If I could make it my drivers license photo I would.

Today, March 2nd is this legend’s birthday. The Big 3-9 for the Big Benny.

When you take a look around the league these days, especially with Philip Rivers riding off into the sunset with his 18 – wait, now 19 – children, the average age of today’s quarterback is going down. With the exception of Tom Brady, the ageless wonder, it has been increasingly difficult for aging quarterbacks to find success in the NFL. What better way to celebrate 39 than by seeing where other notable quarterbacks were at his age.

With Philip Rivers retiring, large-and-in-charge Benjamin is the last quarterback standing, so-to-speak, from the 2004 NFL Draft. I think he’s earned the right to call himself an “old guy.” But being 39, doesn’t necessarily make you old, just ask Thomas Brady and his TB12 Method. So how does Sizable Ben stack up against other 39-year-olds?

Terry Bradshaw

What better way to start this list than with a former Steeler quarterback great, Terry Bradshaw. Some argue that Terry is “the original TB12.” The former number 1 overall pick and 4-time Super Bowl champ clearly didn’t need to play until 39 to find success. Terry retired as a 33-year-old and presumably started his career with NFL Fox? Just a guess.

Dan Marino

Now that we’ve covered the former Steeler quarterback, what about a quarterback that’s actually from Pittsburgh. Danny Marino, born and raised in the Oakland neighborhood of Pittsburgh and even played his college ball at the University of Pittsburgh in the same neighborhood. العاب قمار Dan was lucky enough to play his entire career with the Dolphins until 1999. Dan turned 39 in 2000. Looks like we’re 0 for 2 so far. Dan may not have won a Super Bowl, but he’s been in at least 1 more movie than Enormous Ben.

Brett Favre

No, Brett wasn’t slinging Copper Fit or Wrangler Jeans yet. At 39, Brett was traded to the New York Jets for a conditional fifth-round pick. He had a surprisingly similar season to Immense Ben this past season. He led the Jets to an 8-3 start and then proceeded to lose the next 4 out of 5 games to end the season. Not gonna lie, I’d rather play for the Jeans than the Jets.

Josh McCown

Speaking of the Jets, do they just habitually sign 39-year-old quarterbacks? Do they know they can sign younger guys? Josh, who I feel like has been on almost every team in the NFL, spent his 39th year with the Jets. Josh was competing with Teddy Bridgewater (before he was traded to the Saints) and Sam Darnold for the coveted* starting spot. Perhaps we’ll see Massive Benjamin competing with Mason Rudolph and Josh Dobbs this year? Only time will tell.

Drew Brees

39 wasn’t the best year for Drew Brees. Sure, he was still a starting quarterback in the NFL, but let’s call that season a wash for him. Or let’s not call it, depending on which referee you ask.

Peyton Manning

Here we go, FINALLY! A quarterback who found success at 39. Peyton helped lead the Broncos to a Super Bowl. العب بلاك جاك اون لاين The first quarterback to win a Super Bowl with 2 different teams. While it doesn’t seem like Colossal Ben isn’t going to be suiting up in a different jersey this year, it’s reassuring to know that a great defense can help lead you to a Super Bowl. Just ask Peyton.

Tom Brady

The anomaly. The only person that has arguably gotten better with age in the NFL. 39 for Tom, at this point, feels like decades ago. I’m pretty sure I was still in diapers when Tom was 39. Thomas “The Goat” Brady won his FIFTH Super Bowl at age 39. Maybe there really is some method to the TB12 madness. Which Super Bowl was that, you ask? Oh, just the most ridiculous Super Bowl win of his career when the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead.

Also, did you guys know Tom Brady is 43?

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This list proves that age is just a number. Perhaps he’s just getting started if you ask Tom Brady. Or perhaps I’m just a delusional Steelers fan. موقع رهانات

Happy Birthday, Mammoth Ben.

That’s my quarterback.

P.S. Here’s two Ben RoeTHUMBergers up for your special day.

The post Big Ben Turned 39 Today, So Let’s See Where Other QBs Were When They Were 39 appeared first on Korked Bats.

The New Orleans Saints just lost their future Hall of Fame signal caller Drew Brees to broken ribs and a collapsed lung. He’ll surely be out for the foreseeable future, with Taysom Hill filling in and trying to do enough to keep them in the playoff picture. Hill’s career 0:1 TD to interception ratio shouldn’t offer much hope, but he’ll probably be better than the team’s other option, Jameis Winston. He’s also a Mormon, though, so maybe he has some Steve Young magic in the Latter-day tank.

Rib & Lung Gumbo

Traditionally, gumbo is made with chicken, sausage, shrimp, crab, and/or other meats, but we’re going with meats that better represent Brees’ injuries—rib and lung meat it is. You’re probably not thrilled about the idea of lung meat instead of sausage, but the veggies and Creole seasoning provide so much flavor, you won’t even notice the difference!

Specific equipment/materials:

• Dutch oven or another large stew pot
• Drew Brees (if you don’t have a Drew Brees, any human with a face birthmark works fine)
• Bonesaw
• Soul, cuz you cookin’ Leesiana-style

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds human rib meat
• 1 pound human lung meat (1 lung)
• 1/4 cup canola oil
• 1/4 cup unsalted butter
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 2 green onions, diced
• 1 green bell pepper, diced
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 2 stalks celery, diced
• 2 cups cut okra
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 14 oz. can fire-roasted tomatoes
• 3 tbsp. Creole seasoning
• 1 tbsp. dried thyme
• 2 bay leaves
• 6 cups chicken broth
• 1 tbsp. file powder
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 6 cups long-grain rice

Directions:

1. Turn on some good jazz to get the soul flowin’, then surgically remove Drew Brees’ (or any human with face birthmark) ribs and collapsed lung. (Don’t worry about safety here. It’s just one lung, and the person can always just get new ribs.)
2. Season your ribs and lung with salt and pepper. Brown your meat in canola oil over medium heat in your pot. Cook until nicely browned, then remove from the pot and set aside.
3. Add your butter to the bottom of another pan or pot. Once it’s melted, add your flour and stir for as long as Michael Thomas has played well this year, about 20 minutes, until a roux is formed and reaches a rich brown color. Turn off the heat and let cool.
4. In your original pot (still containing the fat from the meat), add your onions, bell peppers, celery, and garlic. Cook for about 8–10 minutes.
5. Once the veggies are cooked down a little, add the meat back to the pan along with your Creole seasoning, thyme, and bay leaves. Cook for about 5 minutes before adding your fire-roasted tomatoes, okra, and chicken stock. Bring it up to a boil, then let it simmer for 45–55 minutes, enough time to watch a shortened reel of the one Super Bowl Drew Brees has actually made it to.
6. Stir in your file powder and season with salt and pepper to taste. Once it tastes to your liking, let out a big “Who dat?!”
7. Serve warm over a serving of long-grain rice. Be sure not to overfill your bowl. Most bowls don’t have levees, and your house will flood with gumbo, causing irreparable damage for years to come.

Although the Saints may be in a tough position with Brees out and Tom Brady’s Tampa Bay Bucs breathing down their necks, hope is still alive down in Nawlens. Hill is the right person to lead the team until Brees’ return (if it were Winston, there would have been stolen crab legs in this recipe). But while you sit on the edge of your seat for plenty of Sundays to come, at least do it with a hot, spicy bowl of gumbo. If that’s not enough, hop on your airboat and hunt down some gator—that always helps.

The post Gameday Grub Of The Week: Rib & Lung Gumbo appeared first on Korked Bats.

What a crushing blow for everybody’s favorite semi-blind quarterback, Famous Jameis Winston. A straight kick in the nuts. You bring him in to replace the old man Drew Brees to finish off the 49ers in a game they seemingly had locked up before they even put on the pads.

In the GIF above, the Saints are number 2 (ironically Jameis’s number on the Saints) and Jameis is the player in the blue striped jersey. Makes you feel bad for blue striped jersey right? Imagine how Jameis feels.

Why would’t you want the former Mr. 30-30 (30 Tuddy, 30 Interception) Man to be your next Teddy Bridgewater? Give the man a launching pad for the made of glass Drew Brees, why don’t ya? I thought this is what you signed him for? The words “second chance” were even being thrown around, as if the Saints were predicting a Drew Brees injury.

Look, I get it. Taysom is fun and plays every position on the field. A true utility player, very rare in the NFL. Hell, you can play Taysom at quarterback AND tight end in the ESPN Fantasy leagues. Call me a little selfish, because I wasted a waiver wire pick on Jameis this week, but I digress.

But one team that certainly needs Jameis besides the Saints… is TEAM CONTENT. People like us at Korked Bats NEED this man. Just look at the type of things we’ve gotten from our guy Famous Jameis over the last 5-6 years.

The NFL needs this man. Team Content needed this man. My fantasy team needs this man. You’re making a huge mistake, Saints.

The post The Saints Not Starting Jameis Winston Is Devastating News For All Of Us appeared first on Korked Bats.

No, not that chipmunk, I’m talking about this Alvin:

The chipmunk named Alvin with a grill so bright you could go blind just looking at it. I mean really, how cold is the inside of Alvin’s mouth? It could be the hottest day in New Orleans – and it gets hot down there – but Alvin’s mouth remains iced. Which probably explains how he remains calm, cool, and collected.

Speaking of being calm, cool, and collected, that is EXACTLY what one of the best running back’s in the game was when Drew Brees went down with a rib injury. Now personally, I think Drew could’ve played the rest of the game, collapsed lung or not. That’s why we have two of them. Rub some dirt on it, Drew! (Like you did with that spot on your face.)

I’m starting to wonder if the Saints want Alvin to be a full-time receiver. You know, like Taysom Hill. Because that’s how they’re treating his usage. Alvin has yet to go over 100 yards rushing in a game this year, but where he has shined is receiving the football. Alvin rushed the ball 8 times on Sunday putting up a massive 15 (fifteen) yards and adding not 1 but 2 tuddy’s in the process. Alvin’s receiving numbers on Sunday, however, were hella impressive. He caught the ball 7 times for 83 yards and a tuddy. The next closest Saints receiver? Michael Thomas. MT only caught the ball twice for 27 yards. I think that shows you how important Alvin and his iced-out grill is to this Saints football team.

Alvin and the Saints will have their work cut out for them without Drew Brees manning the offense (manning, not Manning). Why? Because this is who is leading your team now:

So here’s a special edition, iced-out, crown grill, just for you, Alvin. Now stop making shitty Alvin and the Chipmunk movies.

The post A.D.’s Crown Of The Week Goes To A Chipmunk appeared first on Korked Bats.

First off, I’m in four fantasy football leagues, so if you’re reading this to get insight into how many leagues is too many, look no further. It’s four. The title of the article, however, would not suggest that it’s not the amount of leagues I’m in that caused my quick demise, but whom needs to be blamed.

For reference, below is the lineup I drafted in late August for a PPR league that plays one quarterback, two running backs, two receivers, one tight end, one flex, one DST, and one kicker and includes eight bench spots and two IR/COVID slots (now four because thanks, Titans and Patriots).

Quarterbacks
Drew Brees
Cam Newton

Running Backs
Austin Ekeler
Todd Gurley
James White
Chase Edmonds

Wide Receivers
Michael Thomas
Mike Evans
Courtland Sutton
DeVante Parker
Diontae Johnson
Justin Jefferson
Bryan Edwards

Tight End
Darren Waller

DST
Pittsburgh Steelers

Kicker
Harrison Butker

If you’re like me, you know you drafted well and that everything that could have happened to prevent your run toward a fantasy championship has happened. You also probably understand that injuries happen and, in the year of COVID, extenuating circumstances are afoot. But there are even more factors outside our control that contribute to poor play, so now we look to the entities responsible and call them out for being the deceivers they truly are.

ESPN

The worldwide leader in sports has been at the fore of fantasy football analysis since its sharp rise in the age of the internet. It’s current “experts”—Matthew Berry, Field Yates, Stephania Bell, and others—have been delivering fantasy-related content for years and are generally considered reliable sources. This year, however, has caused me to lose faith.

Season after season, I’ve relied on these people to provide trustworthy weekly rankings and insights to help guide me to two past championships and a few other championship appearances. This year, they touted the certainty of Michael Thomas’ greatness, raved about Cam Newton’s top-five finished in full seasons, called Sutton a breakout performer, and ranked Ekeler as a top-10 stud. Well guess what, fantasy gurus, they all either got hurt or got COVID within the first few weeks, and now I’m practically out of contention at 1–4.

I’m not saying that they could have predicted all of these injuries, but where was the analysis on depth? Where were the likes of Mike Davis and Chase Claypool on your preseason rankings? Why did you tell me Michael Thomas would probably play in Week 5? Gee, THANKS.

Sleeper

The hottest semi-new fantasy sports app Sleeper has all of the tools and gadgets any great fantasy owner needs to succeed. This particular league is the only one I’m in that uses Sleeper; two others are on ESPN, and one is on Yahoo (trash app, but at least I’m good in that league). When my commissioner in this particular league announced the switch from the ESPN app last season, I was excited by the modern interface, fun avatars, consistent player updates, little in-match win probability bar, and mock draft format. What didn’t come with that was the warning that all of these gimmicks are distracting.

One thing ESPN has right is the app—simple, effective, enough—and when this league last used the ESPN app, I made it to the championship. Coincidence? I think not! I’ve been successful with the Yahoo app, too, and that’s only crappy because it puts receivers above running backs on the lineup. I’ll give Sleeper some credit for being the first app to allow players in COVID-postponed games to be placed in IR slots, but it’s not like that helps me improve my team.

Although I admit that Sleeper has its perks, it just packs in too many unnecessary features to foster true focus. Without it, my decision-making would get far better and that 1–4 record could very well be its reciprocal.

Receivers

This one is the most frustrating. I of course understand that football is a violent, brutal game played by ultracompetitive man-children who will often push their bodies harder than their bodies can handle. But what’s happened this year has been just awful.

Michael Thomas limped his way through Week 1 and has since been out. Mike Evans, in the same week against Thomas’ Saints, was visibly hampered by an ailing hamstring, and DeVante Parker left his first game with the same issue, both players immediately putting me behind the 8 ball. Courtland Sutton might as well have just sat out this year. Diontae Johnson was nearly my savior, but nope—a concussion and a back injury in consecutive games. You might then see Justin Jefferson and think, “Well, there’s your savior, right?” Wrong. I dropped him after Week 1 like an idiot.

Mainly, I blame Thomas, because without him, Brees has been as threatening as Heimlich from A Bug’s Life. In a league that rewards quarterbacks greatly, this was not the season for my top pick and Brees hookup to watch from the sidelines. Can’t guard Mike? More like, can’t walk Mike. I better see him play in Week 7 after their bye, or I’ll consider quitting. (I won’t, though, because those people suck.)

There’s Always Next Year

Clearly, I’m frustrated with fantasy football. I can’t catch a single break in the league referenced in this article, and it’s not my fault. Between poor analysis, a fun but distracting app, and annoying injuries, I’m having a bad time. That all being noted, I’m doing well in three other leagues, which softens the blow. I suppose there’s always next year, but if nothing changes, my prospects will be gloomy at best.

The post My Fantasy Football Team Is Bad, But I Blame Others appeared first on Korked Bats.

The post The Drew Brees Drama: As Told Through Stock Photos appeared first on Korked Bats.

What. The hell. Just. Happened?!

This was one of those plays where, after it happened, you needed to take a moment to comprehend everything. Like a real-life reaction of one of those Nollywood Roll GIFs.

This went from being a Drew Brees sack, to a Drew Brees interception, to a Saints touchdown in like 15 seconds. A straight-up rollercoaster ride of emotions, and this is coming from someone who didn’t even have a dog in the fight, so I can’t imagine how it felt for Redskins or Saints fans.

Also, that Oprah moment is as ridiculous as it felt in the video. To capture the whole thing, check it out here.

The post A Breakdown of One of the NFL’s Wildest Plays Ever appeared first on Korked Bats.

New Orleans Saints General Manager Micky Loomis and head coach Sean Payton decided on the move after watching several NyQuil commercials featuring their prolific passer.

“After watching countless commercials of Drew complaining about being sick and chugging NyQuil, we feel that he either has the immune system of a newborn baby or a severe chemical dependency. The bubble will help Drew with both,” stated Loomis.

The bubble, which resembles a large hamster ball, will allow Brees to pretty much only perform quarterback sneaks. This, of course, only coming after the football passes through a sanitation chamber. The bubble will feature a filtered hydration system, self propelled traction wheel, as well as surround sound.

“We wanted to still allow Drew to have that one of a kind gridiron experience. He deserves that. It’s just we have to protect our franchise player by any means possible,” added Payton.

When asked how the bubble would affect his team’s offense Coach Payton went on to say the complete lack of a passing attack will hinder them greatly, but they are currently working on a cannon that will allow for downfield passes.

“We may never win another game,” said Brees though a plastic divider. “At least until we play the Browns.”

Brees continued, “I tried to explain to management that the NyQuil commercials weren’t real and that I’m 100% healthy, but they weren’t buying it, they said my acting was too realistic not to take seriously.” Brees admitted that was the first time anyone has believed his acting.

Brees went on to add that having the bubble emblazoned with the Saints’ fleur de lis, as well as sponsor decals, will almost certainly make it impossible to see the field. “I’ll basically be just a huge advertising ball out on the field.”

Coach Payton said he is already in the process of adapting the playbook to Drew’s new situation. “Drew is the vital lynch pin of this team, he’s a future Hall of Famer and the main reason we are even relevant. We will make this bubble offense thrive.”

The “Brees Ball,” as it’s being called, will make its debut September 22nd at home against the Arizona Cardinals.

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This post was created by Joe. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @JoeShowShow

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Saints Will Place Drew Brees In Plastic Bubble For Remainder Of The Season appeared first on Korked Bats.

It seems as though for the past month or two, we continue to uncover more and more evidence surrounding this bounty program installed by, at the time, Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. However, Korked Bats has obtained documents that reveal we may have been taking all the previous evidence out of context.

In revealed locker room audio, Gregg Williams was caught on tape talking over and over about “head shots.” While we, the media and general public, were quick to assume he meant brutal hits on the field, it turns out he was referring to headshots.

You see, athletes and coaches are finding out that they can make more money than the lump sum of change they make already make. How? By getting into acting. You see it all the time. From Brett Favre in There’s Something About Mary, to Dennis Rodman in Double Team, to Hulk Hogan in Mr. Nanny, they have all somehow made it into our movies. So what’s to stop today’s bunch?

So it all came together and started making sense when we discovered these:

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Saints “Headshots” appeared first on Korked Bats.