The Cowboys lost in the playoffs, which is always hilarious. But lately, they’ve been doing this thing where they save the grand finale for their final play, and it’s only made everything even more hilarious. Here’s our breakdown of the absolute funniest way for the Cowboys to be eliminated.

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The Cowboys are terrible, pathetic, disappointing, benign—whatever you’d like to call them. Even worse are Cowboys fans who continually support a team run by a human who looks like he wears a skin suit made of his own skin over his own skin. Not even the affable, lovable Dak Prescott could help you before he went down with that gruesome ankle injury. Your coach is biscuits and gravy personified, you have the most wasted talent on the field, and yet you continue to believe your beloved franchise holds any weight in fan circles as “America’s Team.”

Tomahawk Steak

If Texas ever has one thing going for it, it’s beef. So, as you await your bludgeoning at the hands of a surely motivated Lamar Jackson, spend some of your precious time (trust me, you have years if you need it) preparing this ultimate cut and letting go of the past.

Specific equipment/materials:

• Grill (gas or charcoal, doesn’t matter; neither makes a bad steak so shut up and stop having this argument)
• Dying pride
• All of your old Cowboys jerseys

Ingredients:

• 3-pound tomahawk ribeye, room temperature
• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• Kosher salt and pepper
• 2 cloves roasted garlic
• 1 cup melted butter
• 2 tbsp. thyme (dried or fresh)
• Corona for drinking because Tony Romo said so, and he’s the man

Directions:

1. Fire up that grill to at least 500 degrees. Grab a Corona.
2. While the grill is heating up, place your old Michael Irvin, Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, or Deion Sanders jersey(s) under the grates on and around the heat source. This is the part where you let go of the past and realize the Cowboys haven’t been a Super Bowl contender in 20-plus years.
3. While you’re waiting for your grill to heat and jerseys to burn, prepare your steak. Drizzle olive oil on both sides of the steak, then season liberally with kosher salt and black pepper.
4. Peel your roasted garlic (to roast, slice off the top of the garlic bulb, drizzle with olive oil, and cook covered in foil in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour). Place in your bowl of melted butter with salt, pepper, and some thyme.
5. Once your grill is at the desired heat and your jerseys have disintegrated into the dry Texas air, place your steak directly on the grates over direct heat. Brush a bit of your garlic butter mixture over the top, then close the grill.
6. Cook for 5 minutes, then flip your steak and baste liberally. But not too liberally, this is Texas after all. Close the grill again, but this time, close the grill as hard as you can on your ankle to induce a Dak-like injury.
7. After 5 more minutes of cooking and excruciating pain, turn off your grill except for one burner (if using charcoal, situate your heat to one side of the grill). Move the steak over indirect heat, baste again, then close your grill again. Remember it’s not all that bad that Andy Dalton is your quarterback right now; you once had Quincy Carter.
8. Every 5 minutes check your steak and bast until it reaches your desired doneness (if you cook your steak to medium or well done, slam your face on the hottest part of the grill, you dumb idiot).
9. Allow your steak to rest for 10–15 minutes before chowing down. In that time, you can remind yourself how close you were to a Super Bowl that one time Dez Bryant made the catch but was ruled to not have made the catch (Aaron Rodgers would have marched down the field and scored after that anyway).
10. Enjoy your steak with another ice cold Corona, and look down at the front of your pants to remember not everything is bigger in Texas. Oh, and schedule some surgery for that leg you crushed in the grill lid.

The Cowboys are bad, and you know it’s going to be a while before you live up to Jerry’s ’90s standards, which will likely be after he peels out of his rough skin suit into a new exoskeleton—about another decade or so. At the very least, you can look forward to winning your division with an 8–8 record when Dak returns in two years. Until then, work on living in the now and enjoying this delicious buttery steak, not because you deserve it, but because all you have truly is beef.

The post Let’s Make Fun Of The Cowboys With This Week’s Gameday Grub: Tomahawk Steak appeared first on Korked Bats.

If you’re a millennial like myself, I’m sure you’ve seen the stories or the headlines about the croptop killer himself, Ezekiel Elliott.

The Cowboys rewarded him after they saw these headlines with a 6-year, $90 million contract. Certainly I agree, Zeke is a top-tier running back, I think we can all agree that he is not “the best”. Why? Well, for one, this is The #1 Derrick Henry Fan Site On The Internet, so you know our answer. But two, his fumble-rooskis as of late. Zeke has a bit of a fumbling problem. He coughs up the football enough to make you think his hands have COVID. He fumbled twice just last game against the Cardinals, once against the Browns, and twice against the Falcons. But maybe. JUST maybe… there is a method to Zeke’s madness.

Hear me out.

Before Dak went down, Zeke already had 3 fumbles. Yeah, I know he may have recovered one of those, but it helps prove my point even further. Honestly ask yourself, would you want to be playing with Andy Dalton as your quarterback? Or better yet, would you want to be playing in the NFC East? Or even better, would you want Jerry Jones writing your paychecks? Zeke could be trying to “fumble” his way out of Dallas.

What better way to get yourself traded than turning the ball over. Zeke has already been doing a damn good job of that this season, so now he plans to pile it on. You can already see the Cowboys regretting giving him that massive contract. After he gave the ball up twice to the Cardinals Sunday, Zeke looked like a lost puppy on the sidelines. The saddest part about the Cowboys being 2-4 is the fact that they’re currently a half game out of first in the NFC East, so they might not necessarily be in a position to trade Zeke, but he is certainly doing his part in attempting to get traded. It could be Genius.

Who wouldn’t want to trade for Zeke? He’s the (second) best back in the league.

The post Could Ezekiel Elliott Be Fumbling On Purpose? appeared first on Korked Bats.

DALLAS — Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott has tested positive for COVID-19, in what might be the least shocking news of 2020, and since a positive test requires a mandatory 14-day quarantine, the team decided to place him in their Salvation Army kettle until the quarantine is lifted.

“Honestly, that giant bucket was our only option since it’s the only place no one goes,” one team official said. “Well, it was either there or Jerry Jones’ party bus, but Zeke probably would’ve caught a lot more diseases just by walking on to that bus.”

Another idea was to just have Elliott live with Dez Bryant since he “never catches anything,” but that idea was quickly batted down like a Dak Prescott pass.

A Cowboys spokesman confirmed Zeke won’t be able to move into the bucket until after tomorrow because Mike McCarthy has been using it as an ice cream bowl during the summer and it will need to be cleaned out. Although, Zeke did offer to help spoon food out of a giant bowl.

It still isn’t 100% sure if the leaked news of Elliott’s positive COVID test is true, or if it’s just an excuse he’s using to hold out of practicing, because if there’s one thing Zeke doesn’t like, it’s shirts that are long enough to be tucked in. But if there are two things he doesn’t like, it’s shirts that are long enough to be tucked in and practicing.

One doctor added, “Cowboys fans should look at the bright side. This news actually gives them an excuse to point to when the team inevitably fails to win the Super Bowl for the 26th year in a row.”

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So what did those texts say? We’ve got them right here.

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The post A Look At The Texts Andy Dalton Sent Dak Prescott After Joining The Cowboys appeared first on Korked Bats.