Zeke Elliott Tests Positive For COVID, Cowboys To Quarantine Him In Salvation Army Bucket

DALLAS — Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott has tested positive for COVID-19, in what might be the least shocking news of 2020, and since a positive test requires a mandatory 14-day quarantine, the team decided to place him in their Salvation Army kettle until the quarantine is lifted.

“Honestly, that giant bucket was our only option since it’s the only place no one goes,” one team official said. “Well, it was either there or Jerry Jones’ party bus, but Zeke probably would’ve caught a lot more diseases just by walking on to that bus.”

Another idea was to just have Elliott live with Dez Bryant since he “never catches anything,” but that idea was quickly batted down like a Dak Prescott pass.

A Cowboys spokesman confirmed Zeke won’t be able to move into the bucket until after tomorrow because Mike McCarthy has been using it as an ice cream bowl during the summer and it will need to be cleaned out. Although, Zeke did offer to help spoon food out of a giant bowl.

It still isn’t 100% sure if the leaked news of Elliott’s positive COVID test is true, or if it’s just an excuse he’s using to hold out of practicing, because if there’s one thing Zeke doesn’t like, it’s shirts that are long enough to be tucked in. But if there are two things he doesn’t like, it’s shirts that are long enough to be tucked in and practicing.

One doctor added, “Cowboys fans should look at the bright side. This news actually gives them an excuse to point to when the team inevitably fails to win the Super Bowl for the 26th year in a row.”