I normally couldn’t care less about any form of NASCAR, and even after yesterday, I probably still won’t for the foreseeable future. I’ve just never been able to get into it, which is shocking considering the general area of the country I’m from and the fact that several of my former classmates had literal shrines to Jeff Gordon and Kasey Kahne.

It just doesn’t interest me. However, today’s events took me way back to the days of playing Mario Kart for hours on end on the old Nintendo DS. NASCAR was actually action-packed this weekend, and if not for the sheer chaos on Sunday, I probably would have gone the entire day not even knowing that NASCAR was on.

Chase Briscoe went full-on Rainbow Road shortcut (if you know, you know) and tried to propel himself to the front of the pack today at the Indy Motor Speedway, much to the disappointment of fellow driver Denny Hamlin (barf).

I’ve often wondered why more drivers don’t just cut through the grass and introduce some chaos into the mix. Evidently, it’s “illegal,” (which is shocking considering the number of +70-year-old drivers I’ve seen cut across the highway median grass scot-free), even in NASCAR.

*Briscoe’s move was clearly intentional, whereas many elderly speedsters attempt this maneuver in the pursuit of a Hardee’s chicken biscuit at 5:45 a.m.*

You would think that NASCAR would want more highlights and risky plays like this to boost engagement and help people like me remember that you’re actually holding an event today, but instead it became more about what happened after the race.

Briscoe pulled out a red turtle shell and spun out Denny Hamlin from the lead late in the race leading to this confrontation in pit row afterward:

Eventually, cooler heads prevailed and the two drivers just kind of agreed to disagree over the way that the situation should’ve been handled.

In my book, even though the illegal move caused him to finish 26th, Chase Briscoe came out of today’s race looking like the real winner, even if it was in a true Ricky Bobby Talladega Nights comeback fashion. Denny Hamlin had a chance to be the Cal Naughton Jr. of the day and form a true “Shake & Bake” type friendship, but instead, he chose to respond in a way that is typical of any guy with the name “Denny”.

The post Chase Briscoe Going Full Mario Kart Actually Had Me Invested In NASCAR For A Brief Moment appeared first on Korked Bats.

With the news of the upcoming “All-Star Race” in Bristol rapidly approaching… actually, let’s take a moment to dwell on the fact that there is actually an “All-Star Race” in NASCAR. Consider me today years old when I found this out. I have a few questions:

• Do NASCAR fans vote for their favorite driver?
• Wouldn’t everyone just vote for Jeff Gordon?
• Is there a committee to select who gets to race?
• Does anyone NOT get invited to the All-Star Race?
• Will they institute new rules for the All-Star Race like the NBA did for the “All-Star Game?”
• They still just drive around the track? Oh.

BUT, the fact that NASCAR has an “All-Star Race” is not the most devastating news to come out of Bristol. And I know what you are probably thinking: it must have something to do with the fact that 30,000 people are potentially gathering for the first time since the beginning of March at any sporting event in the United States. No, not that either. It was this:

Food and souvenir purchases can’t be made with cash, and tickets are being sold digitally.

USA TODAY

If we, as a society, are embarking into what will be considered “the new normal” and that new “the new normal” does NOT include actual event tickets, then that, quite frankly, is where I draw the line. Forget wearing masks. Forget social distancing. Just give me my ticket stub. How will I ever remember that I was at said event if I don’t have a ticket? How would I remember how bad my seats were? How would I ever be able to prove to my future kids that I was cool by attending a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?

NASCAR has effectively lit the fuse to destroying the ticket collecting industry all together with a move like this. You could already sort of see this cataclysmic type shift away from the actual novelty ticket stubs – ones that usually featured a particular athlete or logo that every kid would proceed to hang up on a bulletin board or keep in a box under their bed. Wait nobody else did that? Just me?

The introduction of shitty DIY printer paper tickets with the barcode was the beginning of the end for novelty tickets. The only way you can make paper tickets cool is if you have a color printer. “Hey, I just paid $90 to go see a hockey game from the nosebleeds so here is my shitty piece of printer paper that let’s me get in the door.” Nobody wants to collect a shitty piece of printer paper (unless it’s color). More recently, we have seen venues and stadiums alike move even further away from the DIY printer paper tickets with the introduction of tickets on your phone. So imagine yourself not only attending a NASCAR “All-Star Race,” but not even having the novelty ticket stub to back it up that you were there. I know that is something I could NOT imagine. The DIY printer paper tickets at least gave the ticket some sort of meaning and purpose. Now the best we can do is screenshot it and never look at it again.

My heart goes out to all ticket collectors worldwide. It’s truly a dying breed. I guess if you want to look on the bright side, the otherwise worthless pieces of paper that we’ve been holding onto for no reason could actually gain some sort of inherit value. It’ll become a collector’s item before we know it, because all we have now is a screenshot lost in our photo album.

There’s already plenty of rare tickets out there for sale like this 2000 World Series Yankees Mets Game 4 ticket for the low, low price of $350 (USD). I am doing everything in my power not to pull the trigger on that ticket for my collection. Only $350 to have a piece of the 3-2 Yankees victory in Shea Stadium?! If you wanted the Series clinching Game 5 ticket you would need at least…. $351 for that.

Ticket collectors: another highly unfortunate victim to the virus we’ve been calling corona. Forget restaurants and bars, ticket collectors have been absolutely devastated. May the Modern Day Ticket Collector live on in infamy and in our hearts. They will not be forgotten.

If you or a loved one reading this post had no idea that people collected sporting event/concert tickets please direct them to this link:

The post RIP In Peace To The Modern Day Ticket Stub Collector – Gone, But Not Forgotten appeared first on Korked Bats.

Yesterday, the news broke that NASCAR truck driver Ray Ciccarelli was retiring due to NASCAR’s decision to ban the Confederate flag at racetracks. I’ve never claimed to be a NASCAR fan, actually it’s quite the contrary. I once spread a rumor that the fumes from the cars caused brain damage to anyone sitting in the infield leading to lower IQ’s in NASCAR fans than in other sports.

However, when I heard the news of Ray Ciccarelli retiring because of this not-so-controversial decision (I assumed Confederate flags were banned at all sporting events), I was curious as to why I had never heard of this guy. They’ve shown enough race highlights on ESPN for me to be able to name at least a dozen racers, and recognize the names of a ton more. This led me to dig a bit deeper into Mr. Ciccarelli’s career and was blown away with what I found.

Ray Ciccarelli’s career is not one for the history books.

Over three years racing in the NASCAR Truck series, he competed to take place in 23 races qualifying in 18. His best finish was 9th at the 2019 Corrigan Oil 200. Only on two other occasions did he finish in the top 20 and had not yet raced in the 2020 NASCAR Series. If you want to take a look at his complete stats (you don’t), you can find them here.

For all intents and purposes, this man’s career was over before his retirement. However with one tweet, he catapulted himself into national conversation. No matter how you feel about his stance, you have to admit that the man is a PR genius. To retire after a completely garbage career and have it as one of the biggest stories in the country is amazing.

I know that before his retirement, I and the rest of the world would have had no idea who this guy was, and if you said the name to me, I probably would have guessed that he works in a pizza shop. Now, Ray Ciccarelli will always be known as the “Confederate Flag Driver,” and probably be able to spin that into a podcast that does great in the south.

Mr. Ciccarelli’s post no longer exists, but I’ve copied the text below for any aspiring public relations professionals who want to take a master class in turning a ghost into a nationally know figure.

“Well, it’s been a fun ride and dream come true but if this is the direction NASCAR is headed, we will not participate after 2020 season is over. I don’t believe in kneeling during Anthem nor taken ppl right to fly what ever flag they love. I could care less about the Confederate Flag, but there are ppl that do and it doesn’t make them a racist all you are doing is fucking one group to cater to another and i ain’t spend the money we are to participate in any political BS!! So everything is for SALE!!”

No matter how you feel about his politics or his stance on this topic, you know about him now, and all anyone wants at the end of the day is to be remembered. Ray has accomplished that.

The post Farewell NASCAR Driver Ray Ciccarelli, You Damn Genius appeared first on Korked Bats.

What is a good scientific discussion without some variables for analysis? Save your conclusions until the end.

Super cool truck?

Super boring truck?

Good lord, that is sexy.

My bad, I fell asleep.

The only correct answer is letters out. This was not a debate. You thought this was a debate? Feel free to hurl your maledictions in the comment section, but know that I will not be reading them. While you spew your hate I will be out in the world getting my Cole Trickle on. Enjoy your Monday. I know I will.

-GRIT

The post Super Tuesday Debate Warmup appeared first on Korked Bats.

You can’t get mad at NASCAR for joining on to the Harlem Shake craze too late. Most of them just got internet.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post The Daytona Shake [VIDEO] appeared first on Korked Bats.

“I have this green jumpsuit that I normally wear, but it just doesn’t go with these new earrings I bought,” Patrick explained.

Normally racers are contractually obligated to wear a certain color jumpsuit, matching their car’s primary color, and featuring their sponsors. But Danica is a woman and there is just no reasoning with them.

Patrick has expressed her hopes that this decision doesn’t hinder her ability to make it to the race on time.

“I need to figure this out tonight, so I can lay it out on my bed. Because tomorrow, I’m just going to wake up, throw my clothes on, and head to the track. I can put my makeup on in the car during the race,” Patrick explained.

Danica Patrick, as many analysts claim, is not your typical NASCAR driver. Some of her sponsors include Chico’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, The Winer Things In Life (that small wine shop your girlfriend nags you about taking her to), Ann Taylor Loft, and Pinterest. She doesn’t enjoy talking about cars. She always Instagrams her newly painted toenails. العاب روليت And she has a vagina.

“Those differences really set her apart from the other drivers in the field.” Rusty Wallace, ESPN NASCAR analyst said. مواقع رهان

“Well, that, and the fact that her car will be equipped with a couple of extra airbags, if ya know what I mean,” Wallace continued with a creepy grin.

However, Patrick doesn’t want to be thought of any different than any of the other racers. العاب ربح مال حقيقي

“I just want to be respected. I want to be thought of as just another one of the guys,” Patrick said while shooting another GoDaddy commercial, wearing nothing but a towel.

To see more of this article, visit GoDaddy.com.

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This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Danica Patrick Unsure What To Wear To Daytona 500 appeared first on Korked Bats.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

Also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post Juan Pablo Montoya’s NASCAR Drivers Test appeared first on Korked Bats.

My brother (Andy) and his fiancee (Emily) were in Columbia, Missouri this week, taking engagement pictures before their upcoming wedding. They chose to take the photos at a picturesque park called Rockbridge State Park. Andy arrived to the park a little later than Emily. When he got there, Emily asked if Andy could hang onto her car keys, since she was wearing a dress with no pockets. Andy decided he would keep her keys in his car (most likely in an attempt to avoid the awkward pocket bulge many men experience).

When Andy arrived at his car, he tossed the keys onto the seat, then locked and closed the door. Immediately after the door to his car closed, he realized that he had left his own keys on the seat, locking them in the car.  If you’ve ever done this yourself, you know it’s more annoying than an opponent faking an injury because they can’t handle your hurry-up offense. So after the photographer is done snapping photos of the happy couple, Andy and Emily stand around his car trying to come up with a way to get into it. After some feeble attempts, they decided to take Emily’s car and make the 25-minute drive home- they’d have to come back another time to get his keys out of his car.

Once they were about half-way home, Andy realized he had free roadside assistance with his car. He called the number and they said they’d be right out there to help him unlock his vehicle. So they turned around and headed back to the park. They arrived before the roadside assistant, and sat in their car waiting.

All of the sudden, Andy heard a knock on the driver-side window. He rolled down the window, and who did he see? None other than NASCAR superstar Carl Edwards.¹ Now, before I go any further, I’m assuming you’re thinking “NASCAR? I thought this was a sports web site?!” Well if you haven’t seen what makes Carl Edwards special, I encourage you to check it out for yourself.

But back to the story…

“You lock your keys in your car? I know a trick that might help you out,” Carl said. Andy wasn’t about to say no to Carl friggin’ Edwards, so he got out of his car to see what Carl was talking about. As the three of them stood in front of Andy’s locked car, Carl walked up to the left headlight, and pounded on the hood three times.  He then walked to the right side of the car and pounded on the hood above the right headlight three times.

“That’s about it,” Carl said as he walked to the driver side door. “Now count to three with me. One, two… Andy, you aren’t counting.”  So Andy and Carl proceeded to count again. And on three, Carl Edwards opened the door to Andy’s car.  Before Andy could even think to ask him how the heck it did this², Carl walked away, got in his car, and waved goodbye.  Their encounter was shorter than the Luke McCown era in Jacksonville, but Andy will forever be a Carl Edwards fan.

¹Carl Edwards is originally from Columbia, and he happened to be at the park playing with a friends’ dog.

²After some thought, Andy believes that Carl saw Andy struggling to get into his car before leaving the park.  Thinking that Andy left to get help to unlock his car, Carl must have unlocked it with some tool in he had with him.  How cool is that?  A NASCAR driver just thought he’d help a stranger and pretend he could do magic tricks.

• • •

Special thanks to @alstuck for sharing this story with us!

This post was written by Bryce. You can follow his musings about sports, life, and #whitegirlproblems on Twitter: @brycestuck

And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow us, Korked Bats, on Twitter: @KorkedBats

The post The NASCAR Magician appeared first on Korked Bats.

You may recall the NASCAR prayer we featured on our site earlier this week. Pastor Joe Nelms thanked the Good Lord for pretty much everything involved with NASCAR before the Nationwide Series race in Nashville, TN this past weekend. Well, it was only a matter of time before the people who turned Antoine Dodson into a star got their hands on this gem.

They’ve turned Pastor Joe Nelms’ pre-race prayer into a song that we can all get stuck in our heads. However, if this is a prayer being turned into a song, is it technically a hymn? Regardless, here is their rendition of the prayer:

The post Because When NASCAR Has A Great Prayer, It Must Be Made Into A Song appeared first on Korked Bats.

Prayer is prayer. And in Nashville, TN, home of this past weekend’s Nationwide Series race, they take it seriously. We think. This prayer also puts an end to any question of whether or not NASCAR has gotten too mainstream. This video should prove, NASCAR is still as redneck as ever. Can I get a “boogity boogity AMEN?!”

The post God Bless, NASCAR appeared first on Korked Bats.