March Madness ≠ Charlie Sheen

Charlie,

If you are awake and Googling your name, like I often do late at night, I hope you stumble across this letter.  I’ve written this letter to you because I have a few questions that I don’t feel like you’ve been asked yet and because I have always been better at writing letters than actually talking to people face to face (ask any boy I’ve ever almost dated) (or had a crush on) (or dated).  Right now you are talking to a lot of people, so I am crossing my fingers for a chance with you.

Question Number 1:

Did you or did you not model your role in Hot Shots Part Deux after A.C. Slater?

Question Number 2:

Did you and Tom Cruise plan this?

Question Number 3:

Do you feel like an advocate for kids with glasses to also be athletes, like Dave Collins was?

Question Number 4:

Was this during your “I wish I was born Johnny Depp” phase?

And lastly, Question Number 5:

Charlie, are you keeping up with your dental hygiene these days? Grandma is concerned. Although it doesn’t look like she is too concerned…

Charlie Sheen, this is only the beginning of a beautiful interview.  Please get your people to get in touch with my people.  We can and will plan a time to sit down and talk about you being a robot and or some other kind of mythical creature.  Please know that I am sitting around dreaming up more tough questions for you to answer so whenever you are ready to make this official say the word. I am giving you two weeks, if I don’t hear from you, I’ll know your answer. #Winning #TigerBlood

Sincerely Always Forever,

Erin