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Friday, March 29, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Yasiel Puig Celebrates Single By Reciting Monologue From Shakespeare’s Hamlet

St Louis Cardinals v Los Angeles Dodgers - Game ThreeLOS ANGELES- Without question, Yasiel Puig has been the most talked about player in the Major Leagues this season. From his acrobatics on the field, to his errant base running, to his urinating in the batters box, to his bat flips on non-home runs, Yasiel Puig captivates the attention of everyone. As of late, a lot of negative attention has surrounded the young Cuban rookie, especially by the St. Louis Cardinals. That was, until last night.

In a pivotal postseason game (to be honest, we can’t even remember the score, game number, or even what round it is, because, well… PUIG!), Yasiel Puig stepped up to the plate to a series of cheers and chants. In fact, the game was delayed for the standing ovation Puig received from the raucous Dodger Stadium crowd. Former Baltimore Orioles legend Cal Ripken Jr., who called the game in the booth for TBS, said on air, “Even when I broke the record for 2131 straight games played, I didn’t get an ovation this long… And I took two laps around the stadium!”

TBS execs didn’t mind the delay, however, as they were able to fit in six commercial breaks during the 31-minute ovation.

As soon as the ovation ended, Puig settled into the box. On his third pitch, Puig poked a slow-dribbler up the middle just out of the outstretched glove of Cardinals shortstop Pete Kozma. As the Dodger Stadium crowd, filled of 53,000+ celebrities, hopeful celebrities that will never be celebrities but will become really good waiters, gang members, and that guy from Man vs. Food, erupted. All eyes were turned to Puig.

Earlier in this series, Puig was chastised by the media and Cardinals’ players for his antics after launching a ball deep to right field. Upon making contact, Puig flipped the bat aside and threw both hands in the air. He then did a double pistol shoot motion with his hands, shimmied, and pounded on his chest. The Dodgers Bat Boy then ran out and draped a Cuban flag around Puig’s neck as a cape. Because Puig is from Cuba. The Bat Boy then proceeded to rip his jersey off. “That’s no bat boy!” the crowd said in unison. “That’s Lil’ Wayne!” The home plate umpire then tossed Lil’ Wayne a mic. Weezy proceeded to yell some stuff, but no one could really understand what he was saying. But it was cool, because he quickly began rapping “A Milli” and everyone loves that song.

Lil Wayne

About halfway into the song, with a Cuban flag wrapped around his neck, Yasiel Puig began strutting to first base. As he did, a row of fireworks shot off on the field along the first base foul line. Puig then back flipped, spun, and began moonwalking down the line. Lil’ Wayne then tossed what everyone unfairly and somewhat racistly assumed was a blunt, but was really just a Cuban cigar. Because Puig is from Cuba. Puig took three puffs, and blew out the smoke to spell YOLO. The whole crowd laughed.

Skip-ItPuig then pulled out a Skip-It, a toy made popular in the 1990’s. “I had no idea those things were still around,” the stadium crowd asked each other. Puig set the record on the Skip-It, and tossed it into the stands. However, many Cardinals fans and sportswriters accused Puig or rigging the counter on the side of the Skip-It. Puig continued down the line.

Then a Disney caricature artist, with his easel set up in the first base coaches box, began to draw Puig. Puig posed for 6 minutes. The artist blew away his pencil dust, wiped the page, and flipped it around to show Puig. It was a picture of Puig surfing alongside Cuba Gooding Jr.! Because Puig is from Cuba. Puig laughed and laughed. Once the jumbotron camera got a clear shot of the drawing, the entire stadium laughed and laughed as well. But not as hard as Puig. In fact, it was a bit uncomfortable how hard Puig laughed. As it turns out, Boat Trip is the most beloved movie in Cuba.

Puig later crip walked to first base and rounded the bag by doing a cartwheel. The ball was then caught at the warning track by Carlos Beltran for out number two.

Dodger Stadium fell silent, and Puig jogged back to the dugout.

During the post-game press conference, Cardinals players berated Puig for his on-the-field antics. Cardinals pitcher Adam Wainwright went as far as calling it, “Mickey Mouse stuff.” Wainwright continued saying, “No, seriously! At one point, Mickey Mouse ran onto the field and depantsed Jon Jay. I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing that is for him? I assume it’s nearly as embarrassing as his fielding this series.”

St Louis Cardinals v Los Angeles Dodgers - Game Three“He needs to learn how to play like Major League player,” Cardinals outfielder Carlos Beltran said. “…without having fun. To keep baseball’s television ratings as low as possible.”

With Puig’s antics being the center of attention between games, many wondered how Puig would handle the next game. Many also wondered if the Cardinals would take it in stride again, or if they would retaliate.

After the 31-minute standing ovation, Puig poked a slow dribbler past Kozma and began to run towards first base. All eyes turned to Puig, wondering how he would celebrate such a monumental single. A hot air balloon landed next to home plate, waiting for Puig to hop in, float away, and skydive onto first base, but it was all for not. Puig waved the hot air balloon away. Was this a new Puig? Puig then hustled down the line and rounded first. Cardinals center fielder Jon Jay tossed the ball into the infield and Puig trotted back to first. Dodger Stadium was shocked that their young electric Cuban outfielder wasn’t celebrating. Had Puig matured in one night?

Just then, Puig pulled out a sheet of paper from his back pocket, and began speaking in Spanish. For 12 minutes, no one could understand what he was saying. No one except the fans in the Dodger Stadium bleacher seats. After a dozen awkward minutes, Puig then pulled out another sheet of paper from his back pocket, and began speaking in English. At first, Dodger fans couldn’t make out what he was saying. But soon after, CNN talk show host and longtime Dodgers fan, Larry King shouted, “He’s reciting a scene from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet!” Dodger Stadium then erupted with one loud, “Ohhhhh, OK!” with one guy chanting, “Is that a Rob Reiner film?” The crowd continued listening to the poetic piece of literature.

Some people were brought to tears, while the rest weren’t Cardinals players. Shouts of “BORING!” and “SNOOZE FEST!” and “IF I WANTED TO LISTEN TO SHAKESPEARE PLAYS, I WOULDN’T HAVE DROPPED OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL EARLY TO MOVE TO LOS ANGELES TO PURSUE A CAREER IN ACTING, WHEN IN ALL ACTUALITY I WAS JUST TRYING TO MOVE AWAY FROM THE HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH MY FATHER!” came hurling from the three people who weren’t asleep in the crowd.

After both the Spanish and English translations of the monologue, Cardinals players lined up to hug and thank Puig one-by-one.

“It was beautiful,” Cardinals manager Mike Matheny said after the game. “That’s the way the game should be played. Slightly depressing for everyone.”

“If I really wanted to be nit-picky, I would’ve told him to go with Shakespeare’s The Merchant In Venice. It’s a bit more boring,” Wainwright said. “And that’s the Cardinal Way. But I’m just glad the kid is growing up. He’s ok by me.”

Brian McCann

In possibly-related news, Yasiel Puig returned home last night to find his home vandalized with the words UNWRITTEN RULES! spray-painted on his door and a fire in the shape of a baseball burning in his front yard.

“It’s terrible that someone would do something to a such a respectful player like that,” Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann said, wearing his full catchers gear while holding a can of spray paint and gallon of gasoline.

• • •

This post was created by Austin. You can follow him and his jokes on Twitter: @TheAHuff

And also, for up-to-the-minute sports jokes, follow Korked Bats on Twitter: @KorkedBats

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.

Austin

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