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Thursday, October 10, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Why Kentucky’s Will Levis Should Be First Quarterback Taken In 2023 NFL Draft

It’s been 44 years since Joe Montana was taken 82nd overall in the 1979 NFL Draft and 23 years since The GOAT, Tom Brady, was taken 199th overall in the 2000 NFL Draft.

To say that NFL teams have never learned a thing about drafting the position of quarterback would be a colossal understatement. That’s exactly why former Kentucky Wildcats QB Will Levis and his abundance of unique intangibles should have him sitting at the very top when the Carolina Panthers are on the clock come April 27. But more on that later.

In the world of NFL scouting it’s become a pretty bizarre and sad reality, that to this very day — outside of the exceedingly rare case of a mortal lock like Peyton Manning — it’s almost as if the majority of franchises in the league have outwardly insisted on pedaling backward in regard to evaluating quarterbacks.

Social media has in no way helped when it comes to this ongoing tragedy. The clear misses seem to be more frequent than ever.

Look no further than the painful case of the New York Jets and the roaring disaster of a quarterback that is Zach Wilson, whose hype vaulted to the moon during his Pro Day at BYU after throwing a bomb to a wide-open receiver, the lone player on the field other than Wilson at the time.

Cool highlight? Absolutely.

A valid reason for everyone to collectively soil their sweatpants and vault Wilson to the very top of their Mel Kiper-autographed “Big Board”? No way in hell.

We all quickly learned what Wilson would actually look like as an NFL quarterback when there were 11 opposing players stationed on the field actively playing defense.

The 23-year-old QB, taken No. 2 overall, has already become a forgettable and regrettable afterthought in the eyes of both the Jets front office and all those beautiful Jets fans out there. The fact that this team is still desperately seeking the services of Aaron Rodgers, with apparently no movement whatsoever at the moment, should tell you everything you need to know about the state of affairs when it comes to who’s lining up under center in September.

This, of course, brings us directly back to Will Levis and the 2023 NFL Draft.

There’s been a special kind of hype for this one and we can all give a virtual high-five to Florida Gators quarterback Anthony Richardson for the majority of that, thanks in part to his obscene raw athletic ability that was highlighted by a crowd-pleasing video of the 20-year-old jumping very, very high.

By now, everyone seems to have zeroed in on their guy after likely changing their mind more than a few times. But generally speaking, it’s come down to some scrambled mix of Bryce Young, C.J. Stroud, Will Levis, and Anthony Richardson.

Considering the previously mentioned Kiper sincerely has the Tennesse Titans trading up to nab Richardson is pretty telling all by itself.

Oh yes, it’s become abundantly clear that no one’s truly sure of anything and we’ve all resorted to launching darts at a floating target with a blindfold on.

Enter the aforementioned Levis, an absolute specimen of a player and proven ultimate weirdo.

At 6-foot-4 and 230-plus pounds and counting, Levis clearly houses the physical skillset required to survive and advance in the modern-day NFL, where quarterback depth has never been more crucial.

Of possibly more significance, though, Levis has the “extreme factor” (read: insane) very much serving in his favor. The guy seriously just sits around between workouts eating non-peeled brown bananas like a normal human would sip away at a Poland Spring. This is akin to Dexter Morgan having blood splatter fire right back at his face upon that fateful first stabbing and barely flinching.

So if this strange banana-eating habit hasn’t harmed him by now, it just lends more credence to Levis being an indestructible force who will probably live forever.

And similar to the likes of Tom Brady — who claims to have never had a cup of coffee in his entire life — Levis goes just as hard in that regard albeit in the opposite direction.

Much like the customary, classic pairing of peanut butter and crazy glue, the mayonnaise must go in the coffee in the land of Levis. But of course!

In the above video, Levis presents this very special and equally disturbing coffee preference so casually it’s as if he were about to list his top five favorite TV shows on some cliche late-night talk show segment.

Sadly, this type of stuff is probably alarming for some NFL scouts, but it really shouldn’t be. Nonetheless, that even-keeled “but also definitely crazy” factor is essential to sustainability in the NFL. And it goes right back to Tom Brady once again because that same charismatic and well-spoken No. 12 we so often saw in interviews following countless comeback victories was the same guy we saw on the field, routinely knocking helmets after the whistle was blown with defensive monsters like Terrell Suggs without any semblance of fear.

In fact, Brady was usually seen smiling during many of these instances, like the truly wonderful psychopath we’ve come to know so well.

As Levis’s former Kentucky teammate Chris Rodriguez said, he is “unlike any other person I’ve ever met.”

Considering everything else is already there in terms of physical ability along with the proper tools to go with it, that quote right there is among the game-changers that pushes Will Levis over the top.

Now, does any of this make logical sense when it comes to officially knighting your franchise quarterback for years and years to come? When compared to everything else being barked out on various social media platforms and places like ESPN, it most certainly does.

Tim Ryan

Tim Ryan is a freelance writer with a humorous take on the preposterous world of sports we've all come to know and embrace. His previous work can be found at places like Bro Bible, The Big Lead, FanSided, and Sportsnaut, among others. Tim's Q&A sitdown with Hulk Hogan remains one of his favorite 'journalistic' experiences to date.

Tim Ryan