Saturday, June 22, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Why Is It DK Metcalf And I Have The Same Diet But His Abs Are So Much Better Than Mine?

I honestly don’t get it. Superstar athlete and Billie Eilish hair enthusiast D.K. Metcalf says he downs multiple BAGS of candy a day and yet somehow he looks more chiseled than the statue of David. I too eat lots of candy and yet, I look like I’m constantly smuggling a spare tire under my shirt. Why?!

Now sure, I don’t work out three times a day like DK claims to. But should that really be the deal-breaker? He’s eating FULL BAGS of candy. Meanwhile, if I so much as look at a Skittle, I gain six pounds. How is that fair?

I guess what I’m asking is how can we be in the year 2022 and not have discovered a way to lose weight without exercising and eating right? I can forgive our lack of flying cars but only if we had a way for me to be in shape and lazy at the same time. But no, scientists are spending all their time on hybrid cars, pandemic vaccines, and NFT’s to worry about getting America from being so damn fat. Unless you’re trying to subtle tell me that the weight loss drug is packed into the Skittles gummies that D.K. Metcalf downs every day? Ok, then maybe we might be on to something. But all I know is I’m ready to start eating like a pig while looking like a prince. Dieticians, where you at? How can I look like D.K. without working out?


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.