Why Antonio Brown Probably Isn’t Best Suited For Seattle

As we approach the potential return of NFL wideout Antonio Brown after Week 8, it’s been reported that a few teams are interested in signing the ill-tempered talent, most notably, the Seattle Seahawks. With AB, of course, comes some heavy baggage—multiple criminal allegations and charges, as well as a checkered past with several teams, including the Pittsburgh Steelers, then Oakland Raiders, and New England Patriots.

If you’re an owner, general manager, or coach thinking about bolstering your receiving corps with a once-generational talent (still could be), is signing him truly worth it? Are you ignoring that he’s an alleged rapist and a convict? Are you ensuring his furniture is bolted down in a way that it can’t be ripped away and thrown from a balcony, nearly slaughtering a toddler?

It would seem as though the Seahawks are ready to leave the past in the past and add Antonio Brown to a wide receiver room that already comprises Pro Bowl talents in Tyler Lockett and DeKaylin Zecharius Metcalf (why would he go by “DK” with an awesome name like that?). Assuming they are the team that wins (or loses) the next round of “AB Roulette,” what does the city of Seattle offer the former star in terms of ammo for his inevitable next tirade?

Disclaimer: We do not wish for any of these situations to play out. The man clearly has a history of mental unwellness, and we hope that he has used his time away from football to get better.

Coffee And White Women

Seattle is known for its coffee for two main reasons: (1) it’s the birthplace of coffee giant Starbucks (which apparently Washingtonians hate because of its negative impact on local shops), and (2) the city needs coffee to keep people alive in the unofficial U.S. capital of miserable year-round weather. Coffee is the lifeblood of many hardworking Americans, especially thousands of materialistic white women who unapologetically make it part of their identity.

You can see where this is going, if you remember the following AB tweet in December 2019.

So surely, AB’s well-documented distain for white women and his short temper—also well-documented—could lead to a literal sticky situation: Tossing scolding-hot coffee on any white woman with whom he becomes frustrated. Even in today’s contentious environment as it relates to race and sex, we could all probably see him pulling such an abhorrent stunt. Are you prepared to take on that media storm, Pete Carroll?

A Day At The Fish Market

Despite Antonio Brown’s terrible attitude and history, the dude eats really well. If you follow him on Instagram, you’ve seen some delicious-looking meals prepared by several professional personal chefs. Many of those meals include fish, with which he coincidentally has a past.

Now, we know he probably doesn’t choose his own fish to consume, but being in Seattle, which famously boasts fresh fish daily at countless markets around town, let’s say his interest in seeing local mongers at work is piqued. Let’s say he goes down to the market himself to see what makes Seattle such a great seafood city—a great local publicity opportunity.

The most famous market is Pike Place Fish Market, and one of the attractions is the throwing of fish back and forth between mongers. AB is, as we all know, an NFL wide receiver with outstanding hands. The fish folks at Pike Place may be compelled to include AB in this tradition, but fish are not footballs; so what if he drops one? Will his short temper get the better of him then? Will he have flashbacks of a Big Ben pass slipping through his hands? Will he pick up a 20-pound fish and threaten the mongers with it? Who’s to say?! A fish-related incident could very well land AB back onto the Commissioner’s Exempt List.

Russell Wilson’s Team

One of the main reason’s Antonio Brown left, or rather got booted from, Pittsburgh in the first place was his frustration with quarterback Big Ben Roethlisberger’s status within the organization. The situation in Seattle isn’t much different, if at all. Seattle is Russell Wilson’s team, and it will continue to be for years to come.

The vastness of AB’s ego could be compared to that of any American city. Assuming that has not diminished in the slightest, that could be a real problem. Seattle has already become accustomed to its stars—Wilson, Lockett, Metcalf, Chris Carson, Bobby Wagner, even now Jamal Adams. The team would not become “AB’s team,” and he would likely be overshadowed a bit by the greatness of those mentioned. Could he handle that? Probably not.

Provided his suspension is not extended by the NFL past Week 8, AB could potentially see the field for two games, pull off some selfish act of defiance based on his ego, and find himself back in Florida working out with high school students once again. That mink coat he wore in Pittsburgh might not do so well in rainy Seattle either.

It’s On Him

We have yet to see any sort of proof that Antonio Brown will get his act together and do his job without it becoming a sideshow. Although we truly hope he improves his mental wellness and reemerges as one of the NFL’s best entertainers, it’s on him to show that he’s not going to drive in and out of CenturyLink field at 100 mph. If he doesn’t improve his character, at least we’ll get a fishy taste of drama that we know we all crave.