Saturday, April 13, 2024

Korked Bats

That Funny Sports Blog

Which Mighty Ducks Player Was Most Likely To Turn To Meth?

Spoiler alert: it’s Goldberg.

This comes via TMZ:

Shaun Weiss — famous for playing Goldberg in “The Mighty Ducks” — was just arrested again … another chapter in a tragic downward spiral.

Police in Marysville, CA say Weiss was busted for residential burglary and being under the influence of methamphetamine Sunday around 7 AM.

Cops say they responded to a call for a burglary in progress and when they arrived on the scene, found Weiss ransacking a car in the home’s garage.

Shaun Weiss was known for his role as Josh Burnbalm in Heavyweights, sure, but his most notable and iconic role was that of Greg Goldberg in The Mighty Ducks trilogy. Real talk for a second: this is a downer. This is now his fourth arrest in three years, and his second involving meth. I hope he’s able to get right, mainly for his health and well-being, but also because I want his E! True Hollywood Story to have a happy ending.

Goldberg wasn’t that great of a goalie, but he was funny as hell, and I think that’s why the Mighty Ducks kept him on the roster. He’s what the sports world would call “a good locker room guy.” (Until, of course, he would fart. GOOOLDBERG!) He was probably kept around because we was a good chemistry guy–Sorry, poor choice of words. #meth But also, I don’t think they could cut players in pee-wee hockey, so they kinda had to keep him around. And by the time the Junior Goodwill Games rolled around, I’m sure it would’ve been awkward if they didn’t invite him to be on the team to represent America. Plus, his parents probably would’ve made a fuss.

Image result for lester averman"

I have to ask: is this story shocking to anyone else? If you would’ve told me one of the Mighty Ducks would one day get busted for burglary while under the influence of meth, I would’ve said Lester Averman before you even finished the question. No brainer. The guy was funny, he was quick-witted, and he worked part-time at a movie theater. Do you know the kind of bad stuff that happens behind movie theaters? I don’t, because my mom never let me go back there. But I always assumed it was meth stuff. Plus, Averman wasn’t really good at hockey. I mean, did he score even once in the entire trilogy? He just always seemed like a “oh, he’ll end up in rehab eventually” kind of kid.

If you told me to guess again, even my second guess wouldn’t have been Goldberg.

Image result for connie moreau"

My next guess probably would’ve been Connie Moreau. I’ll admit, she’s not an obvious sign, but if you think about it enough, all the signs were there. She started off dating Guy Germaine. In fact, they were very close through the first two movies, until the Ducks won gold at the Junior Goodwill Games. Let’s just say the afterparty didn’t solely involve an acoustic rendition of Queen songs while sitting around a bonfire.

Things started to spiral shortly after that game, when this photo surfaced:

Image result for mighty ducks behind the scenes"

WTF?! Is that Connie getting handsy with Dwayne?! And is that Kenny Wu tied up in the back so he wouldn’t spill the beans of this immoral affair?!

As soon as this photo surfaced, I’m sure Guy was pissed and wanted to immediately call things off with Connie, but didn’t. He probably decided to keep things civil at least through the end of high school at Eden Prairie Academy for the sake of the team and only that. That’s why things seemed so normal in D3: The Mighty Ducks. Then right after high school, Guy went to a small private college, on a partial scholarship. Dwayne moved home to work on his family’s ranch. And Kenny Wu was murdered, and according to police documents, unfortunately, (woo! woo! woo!) no one knows by who. But let’s be honest, it was probably Connie. Ever seen Gone Girl? Kenny Wu was her Neil Patrick Harris.

Anyway, after Connie was deserted by every man in her young adolescent life, she probably eventually started hot rolling to numb the pain of love lost. And also for killing poor Kenny Wu.

Image result for fulton reed"

You probably think I’m crazy for not picking Fulton Reed, right? To me, that’s too obvious of an answer. Sure, Fulton hung out shooting slap shots alone in back alley’s in the heart of downtown Minneapolis as an eight-year-old kid, which now that I write it out seems like an absolutely horrific upbringing, but he strikes me as the kind of guy who would grow up, find Jesus, and completely turn his life around. He’s not dappling in meth.

Image result for dean portman"

I feel the same way about Dean Portman. He’s too obvious of an answer. Just because he liked wearing a walkman on the ice, doesn’t mean he liked chicken flipping off of it. Do I think Dean turned his life around? Hell no. But he never stooped to any drugs harder than weed. Dean is probably a gym teacher or a convenience store delivery driver somewhere in Minnesota.

Adam Banks could be a good guess, since he’s a kid who comes from a family of means with the most pressure on him to excel at his sport If he failed to make the NHL or at very least failed to land a college scholarship to a Big Ten school, then I could easily see him turn to drugs and burglary. If he gets in trouble, who cares? At least maybe then his father would notice him for the first time since he played for the Hawks.

And lastly, what about Hans? How do we know he didn’t die from meth? You’re probably saying, “No, no, he died of old age! We know that from D3!” Yeah, not so fast. Thinking Hans died of “old age” was the original thinking Jeffrey Epstein hung himself. That’s what the want you to think. But we all know business was slow in that skate shop. No way he able to pay rent solely by sharpening skates all day. Hans (and his brother Jan, whenever he was in town) definitely cooked in one of the back rooms in their spare time. In fact, Jan was probably Hans’ distributor. That’s why he was never in town. They had a worldwide enterprise in full operation out of their small suburban hockey store. Hans, to me, died after a bad batch or was killed by a drug cartel, after double-crossing them.

But… but… Hans is such a sweet old man. He’s so nice. He’s always there for support. Blah, blah, blah. Sure, Hans was one of the biggest influences in Coach Gordon Bombay’s life and how did that turn out? With a DUI. So maybe Hans wasn’t as good of a guy as we were initially led to believe.

Again, I hate to hear this kind of news about Shaun Weiss. It’s real life, it’s awful, and I hope Shaun is able to get help and pick up the pieces of his life which is already crumbling before our eyes. Gell well, Goldberg.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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