What I Would Do With $300 Million
Yesterday, I found out that Albert Pujols wants 300 million dollars over the next 10 years. This is perfect because I have been waiting for so long for someone to make 300 million dollars so that I can publish this list of what I would do if I were given 300 million dollars. I like to be prepared for most things.
So, I hope that while Albert Pujols is deciding on which team will pay him one zillion dollars, he will take a minute to read this and elect me to be his financial adviser.
Top 300 Things I Would Do With 300 Million Dollars:
(Just kidding, I won’t make you read all three hundred. But I do have it, so don’t worry.)
278. Buy a new pair of white socks for every single day. Rich people can’t mismatch.
251. Live in a van down by the river. Just to see what all the fuss is about.
67. Take up swing dancing. Mainly to help at all of the parties.
175. Adopt a mile.
176. Adopt a Manatee.
133. Pay Michael Jordan to teach you how to not only play baseball better, but also to shoot free throws.
201. Paint an entire jet by hand.
8. While I’m in the drive-thru at Starbucks, I’ll pay for the car behind you.
97. Pull a prank on your neighbors by covering their lawns with fake snow and blow up Santa Clauses.
145. Use the money as actual food for Buschie the Rally Squirrel and all of his woodland creature friends.
1. Pay Leonardo DiCaprio to stop caring about the environment. And to stop dating girls that are super models.
2. Convince JK Rowling to make one more Harry Potter book. One that brings everyone back to life and that you end up with Harry dead in the end.
19. Go to Oprah’s house and give her a new car. And a new diamond bracelet. And a new Cuisinart cookware set.
41. Buy out an entire Justin Beiber show and when he comes out to perform to a crowd of 15, 000. It’s just me.
115. Buy all of tThe Beatles music from iTunes.
173. Fund Kim’s next wedding.
174. Fund Kim’s next divorce.
175. Okay, and then one more wedding because you are a hopeless romantic.
176. Fund birth control for Kourtney and that weasely looking boyfriendish guy that follows her around. (I know this is very topical and that I just made a Kim and Kris joke, but this is serious. That guy that and Kourtney should not be reproducing. He is super weird and he isn’t acting.)
212. Buy popcorn at the movie theatre and not even complain about the price. In fact, also I’ll leave a tip.
15. Become a railroad conductor after watching Unstoppable with Denzel Washington.
These are in no particular order. Except the Kardashian ones. Because they’re well-timed jokes. They are all ideas that I have come up with, specifically for you, Albert. I mean, even the ones that don’t seem to make sense. Those are the best ones. If I had that much money, I’d know I’d need help with what to do with it. There are more ideas of what to do with your money, Mr. Pujols, but my guess is that the line for a ride like this, is going to be a long one.
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