Week 2 NFL Picks – Kevin Calls Out Kyle

So last week I went 10-6 in my picks, if you count the fact that I picked the Packers game after it happened. Not too shabby, but not the 16-0 I promised myself in the mirror Sunday morning. And when I missed, I missed big time. I picked both the Chiefs and the Colts to win last week, and they lost by over 50 combined points. I also received this email from my friend Kevin:

Hey Kyle,

I saw you made NFL Picks last week and they were tear-inducingly bad. What were you thinking picking the Chiefs to beat the Bills 30 to 17? And what could possibly have been on your mind when you picked the Browns to defeat the mighty Bengals? The Falcons over the Bears? Psh. Don’t even get me started on the Giants 27 Redskins 3 prediction!

I’m making a personal guarantee that I can out pick you this week, and the rest of the season.


To which I responded:


Puhleeeeeeze. I am a professional sports writer (lie), and you are an amateur human (not a thing). Bring it on.

Kyle “the Pickmeister” Ayers

So it is on. Childhood friends have become childhood friends who are in a competition, with terms and prizes to be set by Korked Bats readers and/or Austin Huff. Kevin is a Titans something, just like Austin, and he is also the Twins fan. Since I am the portal for this competition, I get the luxury of seeing Kevin’s picks first, and retorting likewise. Here are Kevin and I’s picks for week 2:

NFL Picks Week 2

Kevin: Seattle -14 • Pittsburgh 31

Ben Roethlisberger comes back with a vengeance. Tarvarous Jackson gives up and starts throwing TD’s to the other team’s end zone, hence the negative score for the Seahawks (Also, the NFC West team traveling across the entire U.S. never works out well).

Kyle: Pittsburgh 20 • Seattle 10

• • •

Kevin: Oakland 14 • Buffalo 82

The Bills continue to dominate the AFC West as they double up their 41 points from their previous outing and end Darren McFadden’s season. Oakland somehow scores more than the Chiefs did in the process though.

Kyle: Oakland 24 • Buffalo 20

• • •

Kevin: Arizona 24 • Washington 13

I thought about picking Washington here, but then I remembered Rex Grossman is still the quarterback of the Redskins and he’s not allowed to have two decent games in a row. Arizona resists the Mike Shanahan crazy eyes hypnotism technique and Larry Fitzgerald catches a lot of passes.

Kyle: Arizona 27 • Washington 10

• • •

Kevin: Tampa Bay 21 • Adrian Peterson 16

Adrian Peterson gets frustrated in having such a terrible team so he tries to take on the Bucs by himself. He hangs in there, but in the end it’s just too much playing 1 on 11 for an entire game.

Kyle: Tampa Bay 28 • Minnesota 30

• • •

Kevin: Jacksonville 6 • N.Y. Jets 27

Rex Ryan eats Maurice-Jones Drew, leaving the Jags with very little hope. Blaine Gabbert sits on the bench, hopeful that his number will not be called yet (‘cause, ya know, it would probably not turn out very well).

Kyle: N.Y. Jets 24 • Jacksonville 13

• • •

Kevin: Kevin: Chicago 17 • New Orleans 31

This is what should happen if everything goes back to normal. Plus, I hate Mike Martz (okay, this will probably be the most biased pick I’ll make this week).

Kyle: New Orleans 34 • Chicago 30

• • •

Kevin: Cleveland 17 • Indianapolis 20

In a surprisingly higher scoring contest, Peyton Hillis runs over the Colts defense a lot. But Kerry Collins manages to get the Colts a win because if the Colts can’t win this one, they’re not winning one any time soon.

P.S. Colt McCoy sucks.

Kyle: Cleveland 20 • Indy 17 • Viewers 0

• • •

Kevin: Kansas City 10 • Detroit 34

It’s hard to imagine Detroit putting up fewer points than Buffalo did, but the Chiefs luck has to be better in this game than their opener. Doesn’t it? If their luck doesn’t turn around, at least a little bit, Matt Cassell might get killed (literally) by Suh in this game (Then they’d really be looking for a different sort of “Luck”).

Kyle: Kansas City 24 • Detroit 27

• • •

Kevin: Baltimore 21 • Tennessee 17

The Ravens come down to earth a little bit from week 1, but still manage to push the Titans to 0-2 on the season. Sorry Austin, but I’m trying to make these picks with my head and not my heart.

Kyle: Baltimore 31 • Tennessee 0

• • •

Kevin: Green Bay 38 • Carolina 7


Kyle: Green Bay 30 • Carolina 14

• • •

Kevin: Dallas 28 • San Francisco 3

The 49ers come out and play horribly after Jim Harbaugh explained to them after actually winning a game that he wants to lose so he can get the 1st pick in the draft this year (I swear I’ll cap my Andrew Luck references to only 3 more, maximum).

Kyle: Dallas 24 • San Francisco 14

• • •

Kevin: Cincinnati 23 • Denver 13

Tim Tebow continues to breath down Brady Quinn’s back for the 2nd string job as Kyle Orton doesn’t get the job done against the Bungals.

Kyle: Cincinnati 20 • Denver 10

• • •

Kevin: San Diego 24 • New England 36

Chad Ochocinco tweets about how much he loves playing for New England while catching a couple of TDs. And by that I mean he literally takes out his phone and tweets at the same time he is catching the ball.

Kyle: San Diego 30 • New England 39

• • •

Houston 27 Miami 14

Arian Foster gets re-injured, allowing Ben Tate to give my fantasy team a shot at winning.

Kyle: Houston 24 • Miami 27

• • •

Kevin: Philadelphia 28 • Atlanta 24

Even though Philadelphia doesn’t seem to know how to play football, their overall athletic ability pushes them past Atlanta.

Kyle: Philadelphia 23 • Atlanta 30

• • •

Kevin: St. Louis 17 • N.Y. Giants 23

Stephen Jackson ends up starting the game and running for a touchdown on his first carry, but then a feather touches him so he can’t continue to play and the Giants take over the game.

Kyle: St. Louis 23 • N.Y. Giants 13

• • •

So those are my picks for the week. I’m pretty sure I’m going to destroy you Kyle, unless you decide to completely rip off all of my picks.

Kyle’s Response: I only copied the picks between teams I didn’t know.

KvK Showdown Scores: Kev – 0-0  Kyle 0-0

Submit your ideas for what to wager in the comments!


Kyle is a comedian writer, actor, and producer. You may have seen his standup on CONAN, or somewhere else if you’re really into standup. He has appeared on Fuse, Comedy Central, VH1, and more, and he has written for CBS, Comedy Central, TBS, contributed to Roasts, as well as Huffington Post, CNN, The New York Times, Wired, and a really cool site called Korked Bats.


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