We May Not Have Baseball, But Thanks To Marcell Ozuna And A Soap Dish, We Still Have Weird Baseball Injuries

Owners and players may not be able to agree on when we’ll get baseball back, but they, nor a global pandemic will ever be able to keep us from weird baseball injuries.

They’re a tale as old as time. For as long as there’s been baseball, there’s been dudes hurting themselves in weird ways. Rickey Henderson once got frostbite in the middle of August. Ken Griffey Jr. once pinched his testicle on his cup. Joel Zumaya once hurt himself playing Guitar Hero. No joke. He was probably trying to play Bark at the Moon by Ozzy. Adam Eaton once stabbed himself in the stomach while trying to remove the plastic off of a new DVD (I honestly can’t blame him for this one). And John Smoltz allegedly burned himself while trying to iron a shirt he was wearing. Oh, and don’t forget Erick Aybar getting taken to the hospital to have a chicken bone removed from his throat.

And here we are now with yet another Atlanta Brave with a weird injury. Even when baseball is in quarantine, the Braves still can’t catch a break.

I will admit, however, that a soap dish is a new one. Especially when that soap dish is weaponized by a wife. Now I fully understand that no domestic disputes are ever a laughing matter. But when someone gets plunked on the head by a soap dish, I feel like we need to make an exception, right?

In fact, I’m not even concerned over the domestic dispute. I’m more concerned as to why the Ozuna’s still rock soap dishes in their home. To me, that’s the bigger issue here. It’s 2020. Why are they keeping bars of soaps out at their sinks? No one wants to rub the same bar of soap on their hands as the person in the bathroom before them.

And now I’m wondering what kind of bar soap family are the Ozuna’s? Are they rolling with Dove? Are they a Dial family? Honestly, I could see them being Zest users. Or maybe Irish Spring. But I can almost all but assure you they’re not an Olay family. Olay families don’t throw soap dishes at each other. They merely opt to key each other’s Porsche’s and weaponize their country club tennis raquets.

Real talk: this is exactly why I only keep liquid soap in my house. If my wife smacks me over the head with one of those plastic bottles, it doesn’t hurt near as bad as a glass or metal soap dish.

Plus, if you’ve seen Mrs. Ozuna, you do NOT want to mess with her.


If she has home run power to left with the bat, imagine what kind of force she’s dropping with a soap dish. I mean damn. Truthfully, we should be thankful Marcell is still with us after taking a soap dish blow from her.

Now look, not to pour even more salt in the wound, but we can’t bring up Marcell Ozuna without referencing his prior embarrassments. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if this guy has ever made headlines without doing something dumb and/or that inflicts pain on himself.

Let’s throw it back to last season.

My man’s face plant into the warning track was louder than Kike Hernandez’s crack off the bat.

But don’t worry, it’s not the first time (or even probably the last time) Marcell scaled a wall when he didn’t need to.

Should Ozuna get with Jameis and about his lasik doctor? Because how can you be that routinely bad at judging fly balls?

But walls aren’t the only thing he runs in to.

Marcell Ozuna is a gift that keeps on giving. As for his domestic dispute, I hope things work out. Apply ice to any swelling and for the cut itself, make sure you clean it out with, well, soap.


Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter and he wears pants every day.


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