Ways To Make The NHL Worse

We know what you’re doing right now. You’ve been completely distracted by whatever task you’re currently working on. There has been something bothering you for weeks now and you can’t go any longer without letting it off your chest. We know exactly how you feel, because frankly, we’ve been thinking the exact same thing.

The NHL needs to do something to make their sport worse.

This country’s obsession with it’s bordering country’s pastime has gone too far. All we hear about is hockey this and hockey that. We can’t even get through an entire football season without a hockey season beginning. We also can’t enjoy the end of the first third of the baseball season without the NHL having their Stanley Cup Finals or what not. It’s really a shame.

Just like you, we’re completely fed up. Something needs to be done.

A few years ago it was apparent that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman became aware of his league’s undeniable success. After this realization he took minimal efforts to down play his league to help even the playing field (or rink) for the other major sports and women’s basketball. One of these efforts included the refusal to renew the league’s television contract with ESPN (a sports channel on cable television).

However, Bettman continued his league’s monopolization of American sports by signing television contracts with NBC and Versus. A contract that was renewed for 10-years and $200 million yesterday.

So as we sit back and get hockey stuffed down our throats for the next decade from the two channels we immediately turn to for sports news, remember, at least they didn’t sign a contract with truTV. That channel is reserved for our college basketball and extreme car chase shows.

We have conducted a list of a few solutions to help simmer this dominant success of the National Hockey League. Mr. Bettman, please take note. These suggestions will help bring the NBA, MLB and the lowly NFL return to prominence, which we believe will make the world a better place.

1. 

   Discontinue playing the game on ice. That’s right, have a bunch of 20-something and 30-something-year-old men running around in their sneakers on a concrete surface. This will also force the league to replace Zambonis with street sweepers. Which gives us an idea for the next option…

2. Replace Zambonis with H2 Hummers driven by pretentious jerks. Not only will this make the ice conditions worse and worse for the players as the game continues but it will make arena audiences angry when the douchey H2 driver drives by flipping the bird to the crowd. No one will go back to a game after dealing with that road rage.
3. Change the name of the Stanley Cup to what it really is, the Stanley Bowl. Let’s be honest, when you get a cup of water, you don’t reach for the kitchen utensil shaped like Lord Stanley’s Cup. You only reach for that when you’re wanting to stir brownie mix or make JELL-O.
4. Take away the walls around the rink and replace it with a simple ‘out-of-bounds line.’ This will slow the game up a ton and make hockey unbearably annoying to watch. If the puck does leave the (ice) field of play, the opposing team must pass in the puck to resume play just like in soccer or basketball.
5. Televise all New York Islanders games. This will lower the ratings of the NHL and up the ratings of any show on The CW because Islander games are that boring.
6. Contraction of the league’s northern teams. Let’s face it, the sport needs to move to the area of America where it is entirely foreign: The South. Then southerners will be forced to turn to a sport that they know the rules of. Hopefully, college football will benefit by gaining at least a little popularity in this region.
7. After a player loses teeth in a game, discontinue play until a dentist comes on the ice, makes a molding of the player’s mouth and replaces his newly toothless smile with veneers. This kind of speaks for itself.
8. One-on-one hockey. Two goalies in full pads go at it in a one-on-one full ice game. No line changes.
9. When the game’s Three Stars are announced, have Mario Lopez introduce them before getting constructive criticism from J.C. Chavez, Lil’ Mama, and another judge that will be replaced every few seasons. Also, even though he’ll never make an appearance at a game, rename the name of the league to Randy Jackson Presents: The National Hockey League.
10. Change the league initials from the NHL to the WNBA. There is no better way to quickly lower ratings and lose fans.