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Ways To Make Horse Racing Better

The Preakness was yesterday.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all the knowledge of horse racing that I have. And let’s not kid ourselves, for the typical sports fan, that is probably all they know too. You take some really short guys (sometimes with no teeth), put them on a horse, and let them whip the horses as they run around a one and 3/16th mile track. I’d wonder why this is a sport, but I can’t considering there are definitely worse sports in the world.

Yesterday, I was at a restaurant while the Preakness was on. Everyone in the restaurant seemed to be glued to the TV to watch this minute and fifty-five second long race in the dirt. Everyone excluding me. I mean, c’mon, I had to finish my Marty’s Seasoned Wings!

However, while indulging myself in some of the best wings my lips have ever savored. I started thinking, “Where are the napkins?” But then this morning, I thought to myself, “I should write a Korked Bats post about how horse racing could be made into a better sport.

So I started to brainstorm.

However, the only thing I could think about was the movie Mean Girls. The end of the movie has a happy everyone gets along ending. I don’t think that is realistic. Personally, I feel like Regina George would still be kinda mean towards Cady Heron. Just because Cady gave that little speech at the Spring Fling Dance wouldn’t just turn Regina George’s personality altogether, ya know? You can’t just change someone over night. But I digress.

I’m not here to talk about Mean Girls. I’m here to give reasons of how horse racing could be made better.

1. Replace the horses with cars. Nevermind, that’s already boring enough.

2. Instead of riding full grown thoroughbreds, jockeys should race miniature ponies. It’d be like watching guys racing in pocket bikes. And I don’t care who you are, that makes for some rootin’ tootin’ entertainment!

3. Instead of riding full grown thoroughbreds, jockeys should race on unicorns. I know unicorns aren’t real, but hey, a woman can dream right?

…Wait, what?

4. After racing the thoroughbreds for a lap, you should then race the jockeys for a lap.

5. Instead of racing the horses at all, just have a “Which Jockey Looks Like The Cutest Kid Contest.”

6. After the race, put peanut butter in the horse’s mouth so it looks like he’s talking. Then dub over a silly French accent voice with the horses answers to the questions.

7. Much like roller coasters have height regulations, jockey’s should be held to a minimum number of teeth requirement.

8. Instead of putting the jockeys on the horses, you should literally put Jockeys on the horses. (Because horses in their underwear never fails to amuse!

9. Blindfold the horses.

10. Blindfold the horses and jockeys.

11. Blindfold the audience so they don’t have to watch horse racing.

12. Replace the thoroughbreds with two person horse costumes.

13. Why only have betting for who wins the race? There should be betting for which horse will be euthanized first. But why stop there? Place your bets for what the horse will become after their death. Glue? Dog Food? Fertilizer?

14. What if we replaced the actual horses and used gymnastics horses? We could put these horses on wheels and have actual US Gymnasts do gymnastics on these horses while they race around the track?

15. Since the word horse sounds like the name Horace, why not have a Horace Grant look alike contest and race them around a track. But the racers will be disqualified if they take off the rec-specs.

Austin

Austin hosts a country music morning radio show in Chicago after nearly a decade in sports talk radio (The Jim Rome Show, Steve Gorman SPORTS!) Colin Cowherd and Smash Mouth follow him on Twitter (which he apparently thought was important enough to share here). He also wears pants everyday.

Austin

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